Xentales

<center>nos vobis lacrimat, filius patris</center>

It's freezing outside. It's warm and comfortable inside. But we cannot stay inside forever, although we could, we have a need to go out into the cold, if for no other reason than the cold itself. When we step outside, we immediately feel the temperature drop and instantly know we've stepped out. We know we should have stayed inside, but we walk further out, further into the cold. The cold felt different, but it doesn't bother us at first, we're still warm from being inside. But the cold slowly seeps to our core. Once it mobilizes our insides, we begin to shiver. The shiver reminds us of why we shouldn't have left shelter, we fear our departure. But we continue deeper into the cold any way. After a short time of shivering, we grow used to the cold and stabilize. We're still cold, but we're growing accustom. We continue walking, and become colder the farther we walk. Eventually we'll become as cold as the company we keep. Part at a time, we go numb. We stop feeling the cold all together. There is no wind, the cold is stale, we forget we're in the cold at all. They say when you go numb, when you stop feeling the cold, when you become silent, when you stop defending yourself -- when you stop trying -- that's where death lurks.

<center>dragging my face through broken glass,
I won't go without a trace</center>

I was talking to a friend at work today, and I realized something about myself that I didn't know before. I guess I always knew it, but it sort of sunk in after something he said. I guess it's one of those subconscious things where you see it every day and you know it's there, but you just don't trust yourself. You think you're eyes are tainted, and you don't really know what you're talking about. But then somebody else says something and it dawns on you, and you realize exactly what you've been trying so hard to not believe. Hell, even now, I can't say aloud or even type out what I'm talking about, be it because I'm afraid saying it aloud somehow makes it worse, or more likely I'm still don't really believe it, and by writing it here I'd be making it true. It's not even anything important, but still it's been eating at me all day. It'll pass though, it always passes. I'll be very busy next week, so it'll pass quickly. Everything passes.

<center>f- it all and no regrets</center>

God damn pissed off, tired, and wanna just rip somebody's spleen out. The workday just doesn't end sometimes. Last week there was an ice storm so we missed the first 2 and a half days of classes. I've been trying to catch up ever since. Yesterday was studying, working, or in class from 7am-6:30pm, had to wake up at 5:30 to get to campus at 7. Today, 7am-5:40, just got home. Have a shitload of stuff to do still, gotta prepare for stuff thursday, but tomorrow is another 7-6:30 day, so not much time. I had to stop by the grocery store to get bread, mustard, and milk on my way home, they had candy bars on sale 4/88 cents so I got 4 of those. f- clerk put the milk on top of the candy bars and the bread. f- idiot. Then after he scanned and bagged it all he asked me if I needed razor blades? WHAT THE f-?! I'M JUST TIRED YOU STUPID f-. Ugh, I dunno, I need to shave maybe thats why he asked. Thats still a weird thing to ask....ya know, he did scan everything funny, gathered everything together first, then scanned it really fast like he was racing....himself or something....I wonder if he was retarded...oh f- that, retarded or not he's still a f- asshole.

<center>he who trips most,
Falls least</center>

Had a bad day at work. Something happened that really shouldn't have happened, and I just can't believe it. I always use my best judgement, and I wouldn't change a thing I did today if I could go back and do it over again, but I can't stand the outcome. I still can't believe it unfolded like it did, just don't know...maybe I should have done something a little different, I just don't know for sure sometimes. It's not really a big deal what happened, I was shown a small fault of mine which I can easily correct now that I've identified the problem, but I guess it's just the shock of it all. Sometimes you see the clouds overhead and know there's a storm coming, but sometimes you look straight into the headlights and don't expect a thing. I'm refraining from any details because I fear the possibility that my students see this and somehow know who I am. Some things just aren't for their eyes to see.

On a lighter note, my roommate decided to join the marines. He spoke of this before but I thought he was joking around, found out yesterday that he dropped all of his classes, about 3 weeks ago at that. He's left for home to "self-train" for 6 months before he goes into boot camp. Self-train sounds like bullshit to me, speaking of which (bullshit that is), he also thinks he's going to self-study while in Iraq and that our university is going to give him a degree for it in a few years. Don't know where he got that crap from, but it sure as hell isn't gonna happen. Oh well, he's gone, that's good enough for me, for the time being. So now I have this whole 2 bedroom, 1400 sq ft house to myself, all alone.

<center> </center>

They just cancelled my car insurance. They haven't been sending me my bill, but they've been sending notice of cancellations every month because of nonpayment. It's hard for me to pay my bill when they don't bill me. They're really good about sending me the notice of cancellations, but never the bill. I did make the payments though, immediately every time I got those notices, and the reps I talked to all insured me everything was ok, but now I get a letter saying they're cancelled my insurance because of too many late payments. I can't believe it. My older brother didn't pay his car insurance for 4 months and when he called and talked to them about it, they ended up lowering his monthly bill by about 40%. They don't even send me my bill, and then they cancel me, the same people. I just wanna crawl into a corner in my closet and cry for a few weeks.

<center>CAN'T LOSE CONTROL</center>

I got Lucky today. I'm excited. I'm going to wait until the weekend though. Busy lately, although I can always make time, I prefer to enjoy the excitement while I can. I figure it'll be much worse than I'd care to believe, so this way I'll have a few days of anticipation. I figure that's the best part any way, everything else is mostly disappointment, be it because it wasn't as good as we hoped, or because once it's over...there's nothing.

<center>So much Blood
for such a tiny little hole...</center>

My computer stops working. Starts making weird noises and beeping and what not. Can't figure out whats wrong. I get frustrated, drop my pants, and take a huge dump on it. A nasty one, all over the top. Looks disgusting. I box it up, covered in crap, and drive to this computer repair shop near my house. I take in the box, plop it on the counter, and tell the guy I need it fixed. With a look of discomfort on his face, he asks "What seems to be the problem?" With a straight face, as I open the box, I say "I just can't figure out what's wrong with it."

"Oh...that? That was there when I bought it..."

Sometimes you only realize what an asshole you are when you go back and read your f- up thoughts from years ago.

I may never get to post again, so if anybody still looks at this: Hank's dead. He died about 6 years before I was born.

I think we all hit that in our Xenimus lives. Many of us have been at it for close to 2 decades and we've all changed drastically.

Are you okay?