Talk about stuff, and if you must, about Xenimus
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 Post subject: i'm gay
PostPosted: 20 Aug 2005 23:54 
Venue change reversed. Blogs suck.

Last edited by Ashlar on 12 Aug 2007 20:41, edited 3 times in total.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 21 Aug 2005 22:32 
I had an idea. Every entry i will change the title of my journal. I have never been one for a boring or stable title such as "ashlar's journal" but i have never been one for some weird off the wall title such as "blinking with fists" (billy corgan's book). I do love such titles but i believe art is a changing and adaptative process. Things should sway in the wind, its the natural process of the world. Nothing should ever remain the same, so the title will change on my mood. I may feel like divulging a reason why i did a title or not, also depending on my mood. I chose todays title from lyrics from "plush" by the stone temple pilots. i am just starting to listen to them, mainly thanks to velvet revolver. I am a huge VR fan, Slash is f- awesome. I never did like scott weiland, but i have grown into a big weiland fan now as i get where he is coming from. The guitar work is mediocre on most songs, but his voice is intoxicating.

Today i did have to work. I love working sundays as you get just shy of $10 an hour thanks to the union. They have to compensate us as sunday is the "day of rest". Half way through my shift some guy that works there spazed on me. Some lady bought a big bottle of water, i have a code for it that i used. It was $3 more expensive as she confused me saying it was a brand new bottle, yet it was a refill. It was one of the bottles you would use in a freestanding water cooler. There is a station to refill the bottle and its only $2, she said it was a brand new bottle. A new bottle is $10 plus like $4.99 for water. Apparently there are empty bottles there you can fill yourself for $10 for the bottle, and $1.99 for the refill. She didn't fight with me much and she left. She ran to some guy she knows that works there and complained instead of coming to me. He came over and spazed on me, so i got snarky right back with him. I hate when people get the idea that because i am a student they can boss me around. I think its much more respectable to see a student with a job like mine, then this guy who is like 35 and works in cosmetics.

College gets closer every day, i get more nervous every day. I am really looking forward to getting started though. I am nervous about the first week mainly. The orientation sounds cool (boat cruise, trip to a local island) but the whole thing is with 250 people i don't know. Around the 29th i have to go and buy my books. The cost is insane. Its about $320 for the 1st semester only. Thats only 3 books. One of them is a huge math book. I will never touch the book again and im still spending $120 bucks! Rolling Eyes

I don't have any more hours this week which is nice. I havn't wanted to work that much this summer. I have only been saving to pay back some debts to there isn't much motivation to accept the call ins i get constantly. I need a new guitar amp but i still have along way to go until i can justify not putting every cent into my savings account. Right now i have $350 saved towards paying him back and $400 saved for what ever.

My identity post has had some consequences. Most of the friends i had are now gone, but i had expected that. I can't say i blame most people. Having to switch from one train of thought to another can be difficult. The 4-5 people who have been really cool about it have proven they are good friends. Most people didn't stop to think that i am still the same guy. I wasn't making up boatloads of stuff. I potrayed an older guy in every way, but i applied my events and excursions to his life. When my cat died, i told everyone about it. It did happen. Same with when i got another job. I had said i worked at staples, then was put on suspended leave. I worked at another grocery store, had a big fight with the managment and i quit (with severence). I just recently got this new job and things are great. I get full benefits, better pay (not to mention a raise for every couple hundred hours worked). Once i am there for a while it will work into an average of a $1.45 raise per year. My mom doesn't even get that.

I get sick of talking with my family anymore about future plans. My one uncle thinks i am way to timid to do anything. He is one of the people who has never been able to see me for what i am. He keeps saying if i do really where i am it could work into a career (in groceries!?!? i don't be thinking so). He thinks i would never have the guts to move away to where i could get an awesome job in something like game development (my dream is to be a game designer, possibly in lighting and shadows, or character modeling). In a small town like this there is no jobs along that line, so i know i would have to move. Dreams are all about sacrificing. I would never be satisfied with myself just taking the easy route and managing a grocery store. There is nothing wrong with the job at all, and the man doing it is still very successful. Its just the fact he never took a huge risk and stepped out there, seen what was around.

My plan is to take this program, it will take 3yrs to complete. I hope i can walk into a job through my work placement (there is a 1yr work placement, 14 hours a week.) The starting wage is over $47,000. I plan on saving all i can, then taking my bachelors and masters in something like computer science or graphical design. From there i would be looking at canadian companies like Ubi Soft or BioWare. I think it would be an amazing job to be able to infuse a digital medium with your own personal ideas and philosophies. I have put way to much thoughts into such dreams. I might even found a studio someday if i do have the "knack". Well thats it for today.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 23 Aug 2005 00:13 
Today was rather typical and uneventfull. I kinda sat around all day. I did go and buy a couple CDs (even though i can't afford it). I played guild wars most of the day. I am quite close to completing the game. I managed to make a bucketful of money today which was a nice bonus today.

Tonight my grandpa lectured me on how i should apply for student loans so i have the chance of getting this $3000 bursary they are giving out. He doesn't seem to get the fact i would have to accept a student loan to get it, the last thing i want is a $10,000 debt. I also don't see how i would qualify for it. I have already paid for half of the year, not to mention that the loans are due to be paid out in 3 weeks. I might do it to see if i do happen to qualify for free money, then invest the entire sum i get. The only thing that sucks is it would automatically pay for my tuition, so i would only get a portion of it. One annoying thing is it takes forever to apply, form after form. My mom needs to fill out a boatload of forms pertaining to her income. The process is rather rediculous. They take my moms income into consideration if i should get the loan or not. If she made too much i would be declined, and they would tell me to get $20,000 from her so i could move away to go to school. They also expect her to make a contribution of about 25% of my tuition, if she doesn't they tell me to ask her for that money as they can't help me. I wonder who actually makes these rules and stipulations. I would rather go to the bank and take out a loan, atleast they actually WANT to give it to you. The bank charges interest while you are still in school, while the government loan does not. The bank loan is about 5% interest, the government charges over 10% the last i checked. With oweing $15,000 you are paying about $300 a month for 15 years. Bank loan its about $150 for 7 years, huge difference.

I am debating if i should go get my drivers licence this week. A friend mentioned that we should go togeather, and it sounds like a good idea to me. The reason i am not in a big rush is that im not 100% sure what to do. My mom doesn't drive so i can't get much practice on a car. My grandpa has a car but its brand new (2 weeks old, he changes cars like he changes clothes). I could take driving lessons but its like $500 and 40 hours of lessons, which i won't have time for. If i don't take lessons i risk blowing $125 on my 2nd test, which is a road test.

Tomorrow my mom has to go write her food safety test. She is a personal chef and works at several places (a private home and a top of the line daycare). She is a complete basket case when it comes to such tests. She always psyches herself up thinking she can't do it. Nothing i can say really makes a difference which gets frusterating to say the least. I try to give her confidence and credit but she just discredits what ever i say as being of a different situation.

I took my current title from a velvet revolver song. Its not the best song in the world, and those lyrics didn't catch my ear either. I loved the way they were displayed in the linear notes of the CD, gives them a different feeling. It almost sounds like the title of the biography of Axl Rose or something.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 24 Aug 2005 02:05 
Today was ok. My mom was off doing her little test thing, she passed with flying colors. I sat around all day doing NOTHING like normal. I practiced the guitar quite a bit while i was downloading the WoW patches. I got a chance to finally play it today, its an awesome game. I had been playing the game using a free client, but it doesn't even compare.

Well in honor of my favorite tv show i named my journal mind freak. Basically i did it because i can't get enough of this show. Its a guy who is into modern day mysticism and does all these crazy illusions, feats and magic tricks. He puts a modern spin on magic, which i loved growing up. Short entry for today, boring day and its 2am.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 25 Aug 2005 01:13 
Today was a pretty neat day. It was the first time i had an extended chance to play WoW, and ive realized what i have been missing. I quit DAOC after the $ from my last job was gone. I got a new job in June but i didn't bother getting WoW, i bought guild wars. I love guild wars and all, but the game play is entirely different. WoW is more of a true RPG. I love the fact it takes along time to build and develop your character. You have to think about its development, what you want out of it, what your goals are and put your plan into action. Guild Wars does have RPG elements, but the character development aspect is quite short, maybe 50 hours or so. Your skills define your character, which is cool. GW plays alot more like a console RPG, giving about 75-100 hours of game play and an infinite number of hours of extended gameplay, revolving around acquiring items and PvP. There seems to be much more dynamic gameplay in WoW, which impresses me. Standing out side the main town players will be dueling, people racing by on horses, giant cats, people flying around on griffins etc. I love details like those, and those elements are what i believe defines a great game. You need solid gameplay, but when it comes to a genre such as RPGs everything has been done. You need to make the world feel alive and thriving. You need to make the player feel like he has his finger on the pulse of the world, he can affect something that will always be such.

Beyond playing WoW i didn't do much. I walked downtown and checked out a few stores, bought a few things i wanted and came home. Was a good 1:30 walk so i got my exercise for the day. I applied for the student loan online. Judging by my info i could get about 6k in loans, hard to say how much of that would be a grant. It wasn't a huge pain. It took about 25 minutes or so to complete. I just hope i can get the grant and deny taking the loan. Free money is great, i don't need 6k in loans kicking around. If i do have to take it, ill invest it for 3 years and give it back to them, pocket the change i made. It could be over $500 so its not too shabby.

Most people know i am a huge Guns n Roses fan, i thought i would dedicate part of my journal to Chinese Democracy. Slash, Duff and Matt (guitars, bass and drums respectivly) left Guns n Roses in 1997. Axl Rose owned the name so he continued on, hiring various other people and working on an album called Chinese Democracy... nothing has ever come out. One track called "Oh my God" was on the End of Days soundtrack in 1999, but nothing official since then. In 2001-2002 new GNR did a tour performing new material, but many changes to the album have continued. Its been 7 years the CD has been in production, and about $15-17 million dollars have been spent. Members have left..alot. Buckethead was doing lead guitar, he is a good technical player but an absoloute maniac (see pic below). He left a year and a half ago or so. He believes he has to build some themepark called Buckethead land so he can be with the chickens, or something like that. He demanded a Chicken Coupe be built in the studio inorder for him to record anything. I want to believe these incidents have contributed to the album being pushed back, but a part of me wonders if Axl is just a maniac wannabe perfectionist. He thinks he can make the perfect the album by perfecting and having control over EVERYTHING. He is going for more of an industrial music sound, although i have loved the little bit of leaks from the album i have heard. Today Slash and Duff Mckagen have sued Axl Rose for signing a deal with Sanctuary. Basically, Sanctuary paid big money to Axl to be able to sell the rights to Guns n Roses music so it can be in commercials, TV etc. Through this deal Slash and Duff have had their royalty payments cut off, about $90,000 per quarter of the year. Im not particularily interested in the suit, as i am in the 90k. Slash and Duff are both multi millionaires, its not like they are starving. That 90k they would each get shows how relevant GNR still is. People want real rock music back in the mainstream. That money is generated through continous album sales and radio play that the band is still getting. The recent Greatest Hits CD had no new songs on it, and it still sold over 2 million copies in the US alone. For a band that has never toured or released a CD since 1994 thats amazing. I do have faith that chinese democracy will see the light of day, but the light of what day? I can't see Axl spending so much time and money to just stop the project. He can sell a ton of copies if he would just say "its a f- rock CD, its never going to be perfect." Darn i typed alot. Thus my name for today is Chinese Democracy. I could blab on why the cd is called that, but i bet your eyes are burning by now. Buckethead picture:


 Post subject:
PostPosted: 26 Aug 2005 02:11 
Today was a decent day. I played WoW quite a bit, level 10! I went downtown to buy some groceries and the such we needed. I need to get a new PC. I wish this crappy laptop would die, or call me names so i would be forced to kill it. I have a hard time justifying spending $1700 i don't exactly have. I did figure out a plan though. If i qualify for a bursary due to my good marks i would get a decent chunk of free money. I need a new pc for my course anyway, so i could go for it. I hope i hear back by next wednesday if i qualify or not. They base it on your parents income and your marks.

While i was downtown i was in a drug store. I got my mouthwash and went to the cash and a little girl didn't have enough money for the gum she wanted and the cashier wasn't going to let her off. I decided that since i hardly ever do something nice for random people i would buy it for her. It picked up my entire day and made it feel less insignificant. I found out my grandpa decided he will buy my books for school which will be a major help. We are going on monday to get them, along with my student id card so i can use public transportation free to get there. I am extremely nervous for some reason, i think its because i am not familiar with the school at all.

One thing i find i really miss, music videos. I watch todays current videos and i find them so bland and boring. Every rap video is so typical. Its always the barthelago with their knockers sticking out getting groped by some creepy guy with a rag on his head. Rock videos are generally live performance, or performance oriented. There is no art style or direction anymore. Its really cool when there is something like the White Stripes that have a really wicked art style but it still doesn't make me want to watch the video channels. I love retro video channels but i don't get any channel that has constant old videos. Even some 80s one hit wonder hair metal has a better art style then all of todays videos.

Well this wekeend i am going out to my grandparents, last chance i will get to spend some time with them. I will probably have to work sunday, i hope not. Would be nice to be able to focus on back to school only, getting prepared mentally and getting all the stuff ill need. One thing i don't get it how some people will spend $200 on supplies alone. They need a new graphing calculator every year, a new $50 backpack, a $30 binder etc. I don't know why people buy into that moneygrab. I have used the same binder for 3 years now. It was pricy but i don't need a new one every year. I will spend $30 max, generally thats just expensive pens (i eat the cheap plastic ones, don't ask)

A report surfaced online today claiming that the president of GNR's record label said Chinese Democracy is done. I hope its true but i won't hold my breath.

I made up my name today from some Stone temple pilots lyrics. They have a song called tripping on a paper heart. I thought about it a little bit and with Weiland's drug problem and such i came up with Snort Cocaine off a Paper Doll. It seems a dichotomy as i have this insane image in my head of a little girl cutting out a paper doll chain and her parents using the dolls to snort cocaine. Seems really weird yet an odd dichotomy at the same time.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 28 Aug 2005 23:49 
Prepare for a long entry, i have alot to say.

Today was a major shitty day. I had to work which pretty much ruins any day, but i was in a particularily bad mood. I felt hopeless all day and felt like i had no control over what i wanted to happen. I got about 4 hours sleep last night, not to mention my weekend was aweful. My current goal is to get a new computer and pay for 2nd semester tuition. While in school i will only get 16 hours a week or so, with full time studies any more then that is detracting from time i should be working on stuff. I will need about $1400-1700 for a new computer too. My laptop isn't doing the greatest and it wouldn't be worth repairing it. The hard drive is having problems spinning up, several diagnostic programs have shown its lost about 25% of the speed it should have. If the laptop did go i could get the new computer much sooner as i would have to. I am crossing my fingers i get this grant. The $3000 would go along ways to paying for semester 2 and then getting a better computer then i was even intending.

Work was quite boring today. I didn't meet anyone who seemed interesting. They all seemed quite typical and drab. Students moving back to start college in 2 weeks (heaven forbid they even respond to me when i say Hi, it could be a crime!). It was a 5 hour shift which is worse then any other shift you get. Normally every 2 hours you will get a 15 minute break, but you only get 2 breaks when you work 6 hours. Its not bad when you are working 2.5 hours with a break, but generally those people who are doing breaks get wrapped up in something and it ends up being over 3 hours.

All weekend all i did was fight. My uncle is the type who loves to go toe-to-toe with someone. He is quite like my grandfather except my grandfather is an increadably smart man. My uncle isn't dynamic and open at all. We ended up talking about videogames and he has never got into the newer systems. I could care less but he has to do a big speech about how he likes the old platforming games because you couldn't save half way through bla bla. He then fights with me about the games i like are too indepth and have an actual storyline. He was trying to convince me that games don't need a storyline and that its just a trick to make the game to seem better. I went back at him talking about why i play games. I love games that have a pulse beneith the surface. You can tell the developers have put a lot of heart into the title. They fuse their emotions with the art they are crafting, making the player feel towards a specific character. Videogames now span out like books, having twists and turns. Some games have majorly affected me (sounds silly i know). Fable for example made me question my morality, i grew to despise my actions. I felt guilty for edulging in temptation, i felt what my character was going through. I was able to live vicariously through my character to see what i could grow to aspire and define in this world. After a 2 hour long discussion he made a comment that alot of games are like movies (have fun explaining cinematics to him) and how he isn't a huge fan of movies. I then came up with the golden question, What is your favorite movie? His response was some sylvester stallone movie. The reason i asked him that is that simple question can show alot into a person. I had presumed he had the capacity to be able to understand what i was saying, but anything that would make him feel anything would be shit in his eyes. He wants visual eye candy, not dynamically created worlds that attempt to get you as involved as possible. To me thats what gaming is all about. Being able to live through your character. This is the main element Xenimus lacks. It doesn't try to make you imbue your character with morality, living upto your actions like life makes you. In xen you can be the biggest asshole and yet people will still fall over you. I would predict Xenimus has a bigger population of complete dickheads mainly due to the fact that Xenimus doesn't make you feel anything. Its drawing point is the addictive game play, but it doesn't go anymore beyond that.

Tomorrow i am supposed to go and buy my schoolbooks. Im not sure i am going to do it or not. I remember where the book store is within the school and quite frankly tomorrow is sleep day. This attitude of mine would carry over into tomorrow if i had to get up early. Im thinking of going and getting my books on tuesday. Hard to believe one week from tuesday is the first day. I am majorly nervous, but i am trying to keep my focus. One good thing is the 1st week there is no classes what so ever. Its all orientation. They are hosting a big boat cruise one night, a concert another night and even a big party on a local island. It should be alot of fun. I hope i can meet some cool people while attending these events, i know no one that is going there. I knew one guy that was going there but i think he would have graduated last june, but i could be wrong. One major thing i am looking forward to is my bus card. Part of the tuition cost is $100 for a bus card. It allows you to get on any bus at any time for no cost. If i went to the bus station to get one of those cards its $60 or so per month, i will be using the card every day to get to school but it will be handy when i feel like just getting the f- out of the house for a day. The only thing i hate is the smelly f- that ride the bus. It drives me nuts as i end up unable to breathe. Not to mention just the random disgusting people, eating a yogurt with their hands etc.

I just read today that the Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess has been pushed back til atleast April 1st of 2006. The developers want more time to work on the game and add more depth to the game. I really wanted to see the game come out this November but i can wait as i know the game will be that much more amazing. I am glad to see the developers are willing to speak up and say that the current content isn't cutting it, and it needs to be more epic. Lionhead didn't speak up to Microsoft and when Fable was released it wasn't the game that peter molyneaux has intended. There is a new Fable coming out for the PC and the same version will be on the Xbox as a "platinum hit". I am really looking forward to picking up the new Fable. It had a major impact me the 1st play through and this version is what was exactly intended when it came out over a year and a half ago.

I wanted to mention my distaste for credit cards. I had always said that i could never fall into the game of not paying off your bill unless you had the money. I was kinda wrong. I ended up forgetting about a few things i had charged, so i had spent the money that was intended to pay the bill a few times. I still had the money to pay off my bill but i made a decision today. When i charge something over $20 i will pay the exact amount imidately. It saves me from having to think if the money in the bank is already spent, and it does show the bank that i am responsable (i want a higher limit when i go to buy the new pc). So from now on i will pay my bill as soon as i charge something, that way i can't spend money that i don't have. When you have a large disposable income its not a huge deal as if you spend $60 you hadn't intended you have way more then enough to cover it. In my case i am trying to budget my money out to save for my computer and pay my grandpa back. I will have close to $430 or so saved towards paying him back which is getting close to half way. I asked for next week off for orientation, but i could work the weekends. Any extra shifts help, its money i wouldn't otherwise have.

I can imagine people have been reading my journal for some talk about the whole "identity crisis" (literally, lol) that went on. I will be making a large entry in here within the next couple days. The whole thing isn't 100% over yet as some things are still playing out. Once that is complete i will make a journal entry to end the entire thing.

Now that this gigantic entry has come to an end i will talk a bit about why i choose f- Off, You oughta know. It is a rip from an alanis morissette song, but it does describe my mood i am in today. I wanted to tell so many random people to f- off today its not funny.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 30 Aug 2005 02:00 
Here it goes for today.

My mood is resolved and it was quite a good day. I was going to be up bright and early to go get my text books, but i ended up staying up til close to 4AM. I called my grandpa's place and said lets not bother getting my books, i want to sleep in. He called and said how about we go around 12 oclock, which was fine. We get there and find the store, ended up being $350 for 4 books. He bought them for me which was a major help. I then had to go get my student card so i can use public transportation. I get to the right place and stand in line.. for close to an hour. I get upto the table and i get the piece of paper i need... then go to the back of the next line to have your picture taken. I waited there for close to another 1:30. It was really slow due to the fact they would take your picture then a machine would make the card. I got my card and got out of there (picture came out horrible, i look grumpy as hell. ill post it sometime). I got home for 5 minutes and right back out the door and i walked my mom to her 2nd job then came home. Its a good hour walk to and from, so i got alot of exercise today.

Right now my mom is talking to people online through a dating site. I can't say i am really pleased with the idea either. She is being cautious and everything, but i wish she would just be able to be happy with the current situation. She is talking to a guy and now they are "exclusive" but its hard to say exactly what that means, she isn't even sure what she agreed to. I don't like the sounds of this guy. He has 3 teenage boys from 13-18. Don't get what i say wrong, but i am a majorly greedy mofo. Im not an attention barthelago or anything. I like everything to benefit me and i am always trying to further my own agenda, i am a compassionate person but i like my privacy and my space. If other people are around me personally its because i want them there. In this situation i have no control over it. Luckily i am 18 now, so within 4 years ill be out on my own anyway. I do want her to be happy but i feel everything we have will be sacrificed in the process. If things were to go further for me to be part of it i would have to have my own room, my own TV and PC and the such. Ive been used to things a specific way my entire life and i want things to continue as such. I am an indepent person as i don't like to give up control over anything unless i greatly trust you. Chances are things won't go anywhere like normal but i still hate these situations. Every so often things like this happen, if she met a nice single guy i wouldn't have a problem. Back to the part about being a private person. I would find it really difficult having to deal with step siblings due to my nature. Ive never really had to share anything, although generosity is in my nature. I have always been one to benefit the unit collectivly (me and my mom) and i can't see redefining that unit. It seems such a weird idea i don't even want to think about it. It brings me back to a memory i have of being about 8 or so. I was at a public pool and in the change room. I was sitting on this bench and in walks this group of 12 kids or so. Next thing i know they are all ripping off their clothes to change into their swimming gear, i remember that day so vividly for some reason. It reminds me how i could NEVER ever do something like that, now or then. If i have to use a public lockeroom (i will avoid such situations at all cost) i will change in the washroom stalls. To me being in a state of having nothing on is being at your most vulnerable point. I never want to seem vulnerable as i am not really a vulnerable person. I am really strong and opinionated so being in such a state reduces me to my weakest point. That whole speal is also point of the fact i could never share my room with another male. Something about it seems slightly odd to me. I don't view it as homosexual or anything, but after all you have to change somewhere, it should be your room. I can vaguely remember being 8 or so (again) and i had to share a room with a cousin. In the morning he gets up and changes right at the side of the bed, no caution at all. I remember thinking how uncomfortable it made me. It seemed disrespectful as harmless it was. I didn't even know the guy and there he is changing right infront of me. I kinda told myself i am never going to be like that, and here i am.

Just recently a friend named Lisa came back into my life. I have known her for about 5 years now. She is awesome. We have alot of fun when we do hang out, for some reason we lost touch for about 6 months. I hope we can go see a movie or something within the next few weeks. We get along really well, although there is alot of flirting going on. She has been going out with a guy for 2 years now but she doesn't seem that serious about him. He is off somewhere doing a course at some college. She talks to him on the phone but has little contact besides a visit here and there. She has told me before she finds me attractive (dead hint) yet things remain as they are. I hope something will come of it someday, but i don't want to spoil our friendship as we do have alot of fun. One of those things : /

Well tomorrow and its 7 days til i start school. I am really nervous but visiting it today has got me exicted. This should take my knowledge of computers through the roof. People are shocked at my diversity as it is. I was looking at some costs to go to a place like DigiPen for CG design. It was $69,000 in tuition alone for a bachelors degree. Thats really high considering the best university in canada will run you 7k a year in tuition. Our system is setup so that tuition can only increase by 10% a year and every so often it is frozen for a year or two. My tuition is about $4500 per year. In the end you do what you have to do. If it costs me $70,000 thats pretty cheap considering this is my dream. I could be in debt the rest of my life and still be happy considering i did something worth while on my terms, which is all i really want for myself. One school in toronto has a good program for CG design, but again its not a degree program. I am looking towards getting my degree as by the time i am done i would have a couple years experience, which would make for an extremely impressive resume.

Does anyone have any indepth tutorials for newbies to 3d modeling? i don't really care what program, it would be nice to start building a portfolio now and i feel the need to communicate some thoughts into an art form. Feel free to PM any links to me. Smile

Im still working on leveling up in WoW so i can get into PVP action and the Battlegrounds. I am about 25% to level 14. I wish i had of got into the game earlier, but its almost nessicary to try before you buy with this PC. I have a stack of games i can't play or they are unbearable due to this pc.

I wanted to mention a project a friend told me about. 3 developers are working on a game titled Project Offset. Its a FPS based in an epic fantasy world. The main draw to the game is its engine. Its created using a typical cinematic engine. I had ALWAYS wanted to see a game created using a cinematics engine, even though i never knew if it was possible. I had always had a hard time with the parallel a cinematic creates in a game. Lets take FF7 for example. The cinematics are amazing, i can remember being 10 yrs old seeing commercials on TV for the game and being awed. Looking at the actual graphics its an entire different story, it creates a major gap between the cinematic and the game itself. Ingame cut scenes leave you wanting full amazing cinematics even though you know the standard parallel. Its quite funny. Some games address it quite differently and use anime animation clips which fits in much better, aslong as the art style represents the exadurated look of anime.

More news out of GNR. Axl claims that the royalty cheques were not affected by the deal he made, but a clerical error was made and thats why there was the delay. Needless to say there is a November court date, maybe there will be some Axl pictures! Havn't seen any sign of him in a couple years now.

Well i decided to name the journal Beggers and Hangers On. I ripped it directly from an awesome Slash song, the blues slides at the begining are amazing. The vocals aren't that great though. People who like rock music should listen to Slash's Snakepit, but the year 2000 version. The album is amazing (Serial Killer and Something about your Love being my favorites). The vocalist is amazing, i wish he would do a solo CD or something!

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 31 Aug 2005 03:14 
It goes on and on..

Well today was typical, yet again. I woke up around 12, lazed around for a bit. Walked downtown like norm, came back home. Played WoW for awhile, getting my new char a decent level. My lv14 wasn't cutting it, i had made some mistakes spending $ so he was lagging behind too much. Not much beyond that to talk about, not to mention its 3am.. ill make up for it with a bigger entry tomorrow.

Just ripped my name from some lyrics, i usually do.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 01 Sep 2005 02:40 
Well today was quite the interesting day, expect a long entry.

I woke up around 11 (typical time, i have a habit of going to bed around 3:30-4AM for some reason). My mom showed me an email she got from the guy she is dating. It basically called off seeing her tonight, as he has done the past couple days. He just said he had to possibly work late and he has been so busy etc. My mom has a major habit of setting herself up. She is now thinking he isn't interested in her, or has lost interest. She is thinking so many different thoughts and i have to hear it all. She talked about it from the moment i got up til about 1:00 or so, and then on and off again until she went to sleep. It really bothers me when she gets like this as she will chew my ear off all night long, when all i can really do is smile and nod. I try to help by telling her not to read so much into what he said and just roll with the punches, but then she comes up with something else that he could be thinking. She will literally mull over a 1-2 paragraph email for 30 mins to an hour easily. She has been hurt many times in the past and will read into everything you say or don't say depending on the case. She has been right before but she is always analyzing everything looking for something to convince herself because she hit it off with someone it must be too good to be true. He has called her things like hottie and sexy a few times in emails and the such (he seems to talk like his 15yr old or something). She convinces herself she is no good so he must be lying, he is trying to play her. There is nothing wrong with her what-so-ever but she has still had this negative thing in her ear all the time telling her she isn't good looking, she isn't a good person. I will give a breif background why i think she thinks the way she does. As a little girl she would ask stuff like "daddy, am i pretty?" He would say something like don't ask me such questions. That can only have a majorly negative impact on a 5yr old. It still sticks with her this day. I want to have the magic words to help calm her thoughts, but it rarely happens.

Im trying to suprise my mom as i have placed a bid on a watch at work. They are having a silent auction for charity. There is a Bulova diamond watch going for like 5% of what its worth. All the stuff is donated so they really don't care. Everyone is bidding the Gucci watch up, so i have my fingers crossed! She definatly deserves it. Her watch she wears now i gave her about 12 years ago or so. I can even remember the day, i think it was for mothers day or her birthday. My dad took me to a local catalogue store and we got it. Cost something like $27.00, Its weird the detail i remember.

From now in in my journal the structure will be slightly different. It generally was a big blob of random thoughts linked togeather through vaguely similar paragraphs. Now everything will be slightly flushed out more to make it transition better. I didn't realize i was doing it til i was reading through and i would talk about music, videogames and college all within one paragraph. I hope people will enjoy it more (feel free to PM me)

Some people had asked me about my dad, so i thought i would talk about that for awhile. My mom and dad divorced when i was 4 or so. There was a joint custody order so he had me on weekends and every tuesday. He had a revolving door of women due to his inability to be alone. When i was 9 he met a woman named Sue. Within a week they were living out of her apartment. She seemed ok at first until things went sour. She was always harassing me with comments and saying garbage. She acted like a 5yr old. Telling me i was not welcome as part of her family unless i was fat (she was quite hefty). Not to mention the fact she flashed me a couple times and denied it. I decided i wouldn't come over to his house while she was there, it was getting out of hand and i no longer even wanted to be there. I said my dad could come meet me at a restaurant or something, or just take a walk a few times a week. His response was he wasn't going to walk all over this city for me, so that relationship was ended. He called me on my 14th birthday and havn't heard from him since. He seemed convinced when i turned 18 i would realize my mom was manipulating me to cause problems at his house. Some information has come out since then. She was being treated at the psych ward for being suicidal. They did get married at one point.

Tomorrow is the day i go out and stock up for college. Im not sure yet what i am going to get. I am thinking of a new backpack and some sort of wallet for my bus pass. My current wallet was given to me by my Nana and its about 50 years old. It was the 1st thing my grandpa ever gave her and she put it away and never used it. I can't really bare to carry that around with my credit cards and student pass. I would be afraid of wearing it out. I will need some new pens definatly, i HATE cheap pens more then anything.

Im not really as nervous about college as i thought i would be. Part of the fact is that nothing happens the 1st day. You can find your classes so you know where they are, you meet new people. There is a concert going on the 1st day which should be fun. They are also doing a big event with blow up castles and the such, should be entertaining.

I've seen alot on the news about New Orleans being flooded. Its such a shame it had to happen to such an amazing city. Orleans is one of the few places i have been planning on traveling to at some point way down the road. I have wondered if Anne Rice's house was damaged. It sounds weird i know but she had a huge old mansion on 1st street. Its the focal point of her one series of books. Anne Rice is my favortie author. She has abadoned her characters and decided to write a book about Jesus, should come out this November. I would prefer one of her occult novels anyday but i will love anything she does, she just has that style.

Well i picked a random thought out of my head for the name of the journal, i found it slightly comical.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 05 Sep 2005 02:14 
I havn't been able to make an entry for a couple days so you can expect a long one, along with the address i said i will make, which i will start with.

I would like to thank people for generally being open to me. People have been alot better then i had presumed. Most of my friends have stuck around, but i won't be in Xenimus. If i am on Xenimus very few people will know about it. Countdown and his own company will be the people playing Blessed Warrior. I have spoken with him on the matter and we did both agree that me not playing is the best thing. I know most people wouldn't care, but those 2.5% would take the fun out of the game with their antics. Its also not fair for me to impact Countdown and everyone on his account because i made a personal decision. He had no real say in the matter so its not like he could have controlled if i spoke out or not. A select few people are no longer friends of mine but i don't have time to worry about those people. I will continue to be around the message board quite a bit and i will still work on Atlas. I can see myself ingame at some time in the future, if i could find an accout that is. I would not start over from scratch again. Ive done that so many times that i would simply not bother. I can't use the message board as an outlet to get an account as that would be to public, but it is possible someone would approach me in the future. Thanks again to those people who were decent about the whole thing. If anyone does have any questions as to the truth behind a certain thing or a statment feel free to PM me and i will address it.

Now that the statement is done i shall not speak of it publically again. Its over and done with.

I will start with yesterday. I did have to work, but i was in general merchandise. I had never done it before, so it was a new experience. Basically i fiddled with the shelves for 4 hours to try and look busy. It was kinda tiring standing around doing nothing, but there is nothing greater then getting paid for nothing. I ordered my new PC yesterday. It came to $1687 for everything (17" lcd, 1 gig dual channel DDR, 6600 GT, 3200+). I am really excited about it. Ive never had a gaming PC, so this will definatly rock. I went all out buying a 5pc speaker set, LCD etc (i was going CRT). My grandpa called them up to get the order processed faster as when the shipping address is different from the billing address. Saved a couple days and i should get it next friday. The videocard comes with Uru: Ages Beyond Mist, Prince of Persia and XXII. Because i spent an arm and a leg i got a free copy of HL2. Ive burned all the drivers and such i will need. One thing that concerns me is i could have to wait another week until i get my hard drive which would royally suck.

I worked over 18 hours the past 3 days, not fun. Friday i got there and went to check which cash i was put on. My name wasn't there. I ran up and checked to be sure i was working, and i was. I asked the supervisor and i was booked in general merchandise. I had never worked in a different department. There was nothing to it. I had to straighten up the shelves and organize things. I went REALLY slow and precise and i spent 2 hours organizing the towels, sheets, bedding and bathroom stuff. From there i spent 2 hours organizing the toy section, which is really small too. The manager said i did an amazing job which was nice, considering i didn't do much. Yesterday was crazy busy. All the students are coming back and mommy is stocking them up with food. It does make me sick the stuff these people are buying their kids, then the kid turns around and bitches that they didn't get enough. I wish i knew half of these people so i could leech off them, sometimes i swear people are too easy. Today was much the same thing except it was eight and a half hours. I was scheduled for 6 hours but was offered the extra 2 and a half. Considering on Sunday i get an extra $1.60 an hour i said sure. I was an express line at first but i wasn't that busy. One [i]barthelago[/i] that works there came by and stole the sign that says "1-8 items". So i had a huge lineup, i couldn't see the end of it. I went as fast as i could but i could make no progress. So i just slowed down to a decent pace. I am extremely quick when it comes to getting people cashed out. It does burn me down quicker so i only do it if its quite busy and i want to get those f- out of there. I got my 1-8 sign back at one point after that [i]barthelago[/i] left and it slowe down for me again Smile . Now im free to next satuday, horrah!

Wal-Mart is talking about moving in across the street, i really hope they do. It could threaten my job but i highly doubt it. Our store is CRAZY busy constantly. You need 5 minutes here and there to count your money out and sort credit slips. Then when they do a pickup you are ready and not counting out $3000 in front of people. Some of them make comments "why can't you do that after you get me out of here!?". If they do have to let some people go ill go find a better job at a quaint little book store where i sit there and read magazines all day.

Tomorrow is the last day before school! EEK! Im looking forward to it in a way, and dreading it in a way. ill have to leave the house at about 7:30 to be there for 8:30. Generally i am up til 2-4am so it shall be interesting. I have made no effort to switch schedules. One cool thing is my classes vary. Some classes ill only have once or twice a week (useless classes like image managment or the such). This means some days i won't have to be there til 12 or so. The 1st week is supposed to be laid back. One thing that will be really cool is to meet new friends that are actually like minded. At my last school no one there was even close to being along my lines. The people who were into technology and videogames were this group of fat assholes who i avoided at all cost. One of them is a complete nazi who drives around acting like a fat maniac. Weird how i insist on saying fat maniac instead of maniac, lol. It would be majorly cool to meet someone who thinks quite similar about Games in general, as i have talked about wanting to form a studio one day.

I have been doing some digging into what is going on with "Chinese Democracy" as i talked about in a previous entry. I find Axl Rose to be a fascinating individual, but he does have major problems. In one interview he admits he was raped by his biological father when he was 2 years old. He is in constant therapy and does alot of weird regression therapy. Some interviews he starts going on about knowing how he hated this person or that person before he was born. Reading some articles it looks like Geffen was trying to force Axl into completing the CD so he resisted. They were offering people millions of dollars if they could help push Axl towards completion. Some of the wastes of money are amazing. They would rent a piece of specialized equipment to use, and it would be used maybe 30 days. They would keep it for upto 2 years, paying like $100,000 for it in the process. Geffen got fed up and released "Greatest Hits" by GNR to get their money back and threw Axl out. He signed with Sanctuary records and the CEO claims the CD is completed. So does a prominant rock photographer. We will have to see as Axl has said you will see the CD within 2 years, that was 1999 lmao.

The MDA telethon is on now. I hope people will donate to this worthy cause. If someone pledges $20 i will do the same, drop me a PM.

Well im out for now. Ill do an entry before college tomorrow or maybe before school starts.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 06 Sep 2005 00:10 
Well the last day of summer has come and gone. It was rather uneventfull. Mom made lemon chicken for supper (one of my favorites) i got some what organized for tomorrow. I played around on Wow for a bit. I talked to Lisa on MSN (i mentioned her before) which was really nice. She got back from Oakville, i hope we can go out to a movie or something soon. We have alot of catching up to do. As for tomorrow i am not that nervous. I do feel somewhat nervous which is understandable, but i feel suprisingly relaxed. I think part of it is the fact going to High School was more annoying then anything as nothing was really my choice. I had to take Gym and Math (i f- hate gym, the physical aspect is ok. Its when you have homosexual teachers that it gets a little too much. Needless to say i never changed at school anyway, nor would i EVER). Now everything is tailored to my interest in technology. Some courses i have NO interest in like image maintanence and some business stuff (elementary to say the least). I see this as a major transition and i am not going to settle for less then the best as i have for in the past. I will turn some heads at college, people will see how electric i can be. I always dubbed myself down to prevent people thinking this or that, or getting offended. Tomorrow will be the transition past that. I am not the type of person to aproach people as i do get nervous and whatever, but i am strong of mind so i can simply push past that. To me thats what it is all about. Things that make you nervous need to be tackled. I could avoid talking to people like i did in high school, next to the few really good friends i had. I can't say i want to be like that anymore. I don't need to have 52 friends, but having these people as acquaintences is nice. There is always someone to do stuff with. Like i said tomorrow is just an average day. People will show me where my classes are, ill go to the concert thing. Its $15 for tickets for the 3 afterhours events, ill pay it but only go to 2. They are doing a thing at a local run down amusment park that is really expensive. I would blow my $40 budget for this week by double if i went.

Recently i have been meditating some. People have sworn on the effects it has. It always sounded crazy to me so i gave it a shot, why not. What i did was sit stationary in one spot, and focus on my breathing. I would inhale deep then exhale, repeat. After 5 minutes i would start to pace my breathing out so i exhale, then don't inhale for 5 seconds. After that becomes rhythmic i push it to 10 seconds etc. After 30 minutes or so i came out of it, and wow. My energy had shot through the roof (this was 3am). My mind was increadably sharp and i was more aware of things in my presence then i have ever been before. Well i better get to sleep, 7 hours 15 minutes before i need to be awake.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 06 Sep 2005 23:28 
Well today is over and done with. It went really well. I got there and went in this huge room and found the sign relating to my program. I met some cool new people there that are actually like me... seems odd for the 1st time in my life Razz. The one guy is really cool and we talked quite a bit. The faculty talked for a couple hours then we went and heard a motivational speaker. Some millionaire marketer that does motivational speaking now. He was really good but it was the typical rehearsed song and dance. After that i came home. I have 3 full days this week then i get into my regular routine next week. My computer FINALLY shipped! I so hope i get it friday. It would be awesome to get it before i have to work again, as having to work makes one day seem like 5. If i don't get it Friday i PRAY i don't work sunday. If i had of thought of it i would have put in to get it off. I have 0 interest in working all weekend.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 07 Sep 2005 12:32 
Well im at school currently. I got a 2hr lunch and didn't have much to do. So far its been a great day. I seen an old friend from high school named tiffany. I was hoping i would see her again sometime, i forgot all about her going here til she passed my class today. I've known her since grade 9. She went out of her way to talk to me and didn't hold anything against me at all. She hangs out with the more popular people and she is really popular herself, even through that she has remained a friend. We talked for a good 30 minutes, she mentioned about going swimming or something within the next couple weeks. We are polar oposites but we do have great conversations. She is in the nursing degree program through this college. I really wish i could check how far along my computer is, but i forgot to forward the tracking info to my other email. For some reason the site doesn't post the info. Last i checked it was in BC, but it had left on its way to me. British Columbia is the other end of the country from me. I hope it will cross 2 provinces and end up in Manitoba by tonight. Manitoba is the province directly east from ontario, if it did make it that far i would be sure to get it friday. Im starting to ease into the new school. This morning i made the effort to talk to a guy and he turned out to be a complete tard. It ended up being akward as he spoke way to quietly and half way through he just got up and left. I can't really see him lasting beyond the 1st semester with that kind of attitude. It does amaze me how many people are doing these programs and spending $15,000 yet don't really have any drive. You ask them about their ambitions and they say "well, i hope to get a job in the field when i am done", wtf kind of passion is that? Talking to some people you realize what seperates the driven and successful from the underachievers: passion. I have an amazing amount of goals, i thirst to go out there and get dirty. I don't want to spend 10 years at the same job doing the same thing. I want to get multiple diplomas and or degrees under my belt. As i have stated i am building a resume towards going into game design. I intend to complete this course which mainly gives me a background in practical programming, web development, networking, hardware etc. I want to know the hardware i am working on. I find it funny how some of my professors are. They just say "we are programmers, don't worry about the hardware aspect. Thats the techs job to get the hardware and make it work, you job is to make programs." I don't really see if that way myself. I think i should understand the inns and outs of the hardware i am working with. I could become a better programmer by knowing how to take better advantage of the hardware i have to work with. This course is 3yrs long, after i am done i have couple options. I could take 1 more year and get my computer programmer analyst and hardware and technical support diplomas. Im not sure if i will go that route or not. The CPA course (as i will refer to now on). Well class is going back in, au revoir.


Day went great. The afternoon was relaxing. I got to talk to the guy from yesterday again, he seems really cool. I also met one of the girls in the course and she seems really nice aswell. Its kinda funny all these people are asking me questions about my lame little hometown as they are all from toronto or further. I am looking forward to when this is over and done with as the first week is quite boring. Tomorrow is an intro to email and the website control panel Shocked. I don't think its a 100% intro to email as more of a way to verify that everyones accounts work and that we know all the addresses, but its still annoying. Package is on its way, still not sure when ill get it. Looks like 2 of the packages are coming from "Lachine Quebec" and 2 from british columbia.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 08 Sep 2005 12:05 
Well so far today has been uneventful. 1st period was quite boring. They are trying to come up with games that get everyone to know everyone. Its a good idea but the approach is quite weird. Yesterday they said talk to the person next to you for 2 minutes, and then you have to introduce them to the class and say something interesting. The guy i talked to was barely audible and so easily forgetable. I had to ask what his name was 5x. His name is randy, the only way i remembered it was to think of that dumbass american idol judge randy jackson, boink i remember. We had a lecture on attendance which was basically a 30 minute sleep session for me. I rarely miss school for any reason, especially when i am paying for it. After that period we were scheduled to have some sports guy talk us into joining the various teams but he didn't show up, in my mind i was screaming thank god. Ive never been into sports unless its playing with a couple friends or something. I would never join a sports team to save my life. The next period we had an intro on the school's email system, quite complicated. Took me 20 minutes to get the email forwarder to work, im not sure it is even working now. One thing thats cool is i can access all of the schools network drives from home. I can submit assignments by simply droping them into the right folder on the network. My old school was far to cheap to have anything like that. Next period we had a conversation with the visual basic teacher. She talked about how the work placement is 12-16 hours a week and it is paid placement. $15-25 per hour! I can't wait til i can quit the shitty job at the grocery store now! Placement isn't until the end of year 2, leading all the way through year 3. Once i get going if i can prove i can hold my average above a b+ (no problemo) i can become a peer tutor for $9.00 an hour. It would be better then the grocery store definatly. I might also explore what other job options are here. I am not really happy where i am. Its a paycheque (yes, i did spell that right *canadian*) but its just to rush rush go go for me. The other groecery store i worked at was busy too, but it was alot slower as the night went on. There are a few benefits to this store as you don't have to close out and generally you have $400~ ish in change so your not hollering for $5 bills and loonies all the time. I want something where i can just sit there and serve a few people an hour, read a book etc. Its not exactly fun but i wouldn't dread having to work. It takes away from everything as its always hanging over my head. Back to the placement thing, alot of these places will take you on fulltime in the summer. I could be earning upwards of $17,000 in the summertime alone. That would be WICKED if it did work out that way. She mentioned that alot of people blow their work placement as it isn't graded. Some people sit there and chat on MSN all day, look at porn even. Im not really the type to sign on MSN or be reading the forums at work unless its my own time. It does reflect badly on me if they walked by and said "wtf is that?". If i am productive and work my ass off i can walk into an awesome job when i am done. From there work 5 years, have $250k to my name. Sign up for MIT or Digipen or something and boink im living my dream Wink. I signed up to go in abd pick up my loan documentation. I am REALLYYYYYY sick of Photo ID being a requirement. Im not going to go and write a $125 test just for Photo Id that would expire if i didn't go and write my 2nd test within a year. Sure i could go and write the 2nd test, but its a road test. I can't afford driving school and my mom doesn't have a car. My Grandpa does but i don't think i need to be driving his brand new $30,000 vehicle to practice with. Hopefully they will just take my credit cards, social insurance card and student ID as being enough. I won't be able to get in til next wednesday-thursday. I forgot my schedule so i don't know what time will be best. I am looking forward to learning VB indepth the most. Its not the most useful language but it is a good place to start. I took VB back in highschool and i loved it. I found it was flexable enough to do alot of things with it, plus it can look cool if you want it to.

No sign of my computer. It still said it was in transport this morning. Not sure if thats a good sign or not. It came to me that considering it is a large package it could be stuck on a transport truck so the package isn't scanned at every step of the way like normal. I have a feeling UPS will get it to me by tomorrow. They have until monday but i have always got packages early next to stuff around christmas time. I can't see this time of the year being that busy. I wish i could track it now but i decided i wouldn't forward myself the tracking info. It would be best to wait til i went home, give me something to look forward to.

I picked a random name out of my head that makes aboloutly no sense. I like stuff like that for some reason. I could sit here all day and make up titles for autobiographies that make no sense "cottonballs and whisky: the goldie hawn story". Billy Corgan had a really dumbass name for his poetry book "blinking with fists". Somehow its the dumbest thing ive heard but its still cool, go figure.

Im out.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 09 Sep 2005 11:34 
I like doing these entries at school. Its something to look forward to after the morning classses. The only thing that sucks is half of the time i don't get lunch period as ill only have a couple courses. Each course i have is 3 hrs per week pretty much. The morning was kinda boring. I couldn't find my first class as the numbers were really confusing. Yesterday i had a class in 00170, so i knew where that was. I seen i was in 00140 so i thought aha, right down the hall. I went down the hall and the only classroom missing in the order was 00140. There was a 00140 and a 00120, but no 00140. Turns out the class was in 0140, which is way down the other end. Luckily i wasn't that late. We had an intro to what the technical writing course was about. After that we had an intro on using the online notes and assignments feature of the college website. After that they informed us of a poker contest that was going on, you have to go to 5 locations and pick up a card, the top5 hands win :#1 1gig flash drive #2 256 meg flash drive #3 webcam #4 webcam #5128 meg flash drive. I hope i do win the 1 gig or 256 meg flash drive. I am so glad it requires no skill as i don't even know how to play poker. Looks like my computer won't get here til monday. UPS has it sitting in Quebec waiting to ship out. It went from Richmond, BC to Lachine, Quebec by air. I don't really understand why they couldn't have had it to me by now. Its said Quebec for 3 days now, and Lachine is just like 3 hours north of here. Ill be patient anyway. I don't have alot else to talk about, so ill talk about random things. Yesterday i was shocked when Kaz willingly asked to be banned. I was actually rather delited. He never bothered me much until he accused everyone that would me a negative response to one of his posts a stalker or along that line. Every frickin' post he was whining about being bashed when he was the culprit. I am amazed how many people he did fool. People did actually like the guy alot. I was never "omg i hate you, your gay!" but i did see right through his bs. He would always word his responses and post to garner a response. He could't just say "where can i buy cellphone minutes?" he would say "where can i buy my boyfriend cellphone minutes?" even though the boyfriend part was irrelevant. He got a reaction out of it, which is what he wanted. A simple post then turns into a huge fight and he gets to whine and cry to the admirals or even just out in general. In general he probably got a major need from it. I presume he has been pretty neglected in life so he will seek attention, positive or negative. People tend to do that when they are shut out and ignored. They just want to feel something instead of silence. You could take it a step further and presume he is a homosexual based on the fact he got no positive male attention, so he would go craving that. It just happened to manifest itself in lust for other males. I said could as quite frankly i don't care. It is somewhat interesting and worthy of thought but he is the one that has to live with that. If i can be of assistance in anyway i will be, but at the end of the day all that matters to me is #1) me and #2) My family/kitty. Well imma surf around a little bit and go see if i can find where those cards are hidden, wish me luck!

Random name yet again, it might have a further meaning....Razz

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 12 Sep 2005 01:31 
Well i havn't done an entry in a couple days as ive been fairly busy. Yesterday i had to work 5 hours, shift sucked. It wasn't too busy but i can't really be happy while im there. The environment itself drags you down. I had to work again today. They called me twice before my shift, useless phone calls "hi, is brian there?" "this is" "hi brian, could you come in this afternoon?" "uhh.. i work 3-7..." "oh, sorry. bye!"- "hi, is brian there?" "this is" "hi brian, could you come in for 3?" "uhh... i work at 3.." "oh, sorry. bye!". I went in and did the shift. wall to wall people like always. Its always madness and it was over 2 and a half hours before i got my break, then i stood inline for 20 minutes for a salad and a pop. I ended up taking close to a 30 minute break when i am only entitled to a 15, if they had said anything i would have told them what i really think. I have filled out an app for employment at colllege, i sure hope i get this job. I will apply to work in the library, doing computer stuff, putting books back, checking books out etc. Not a hard job by any means and i like books. Nice and quiet and fairly solitary work. Not to mention i get paid a full $1 more per hour. I can only get 12 hours and its guaranteed to be outside school and not invasive on your time. I could still get assignments done etc, i could even work during my lunch hours.

My mom has been fighting in her head with feelings with that guy all week. He had a relative die and he went to the funeral etc. He sent her an email saying how f- up he was right now and be patient. She over reacted thinking he met some ex girlfriend there or something. It was his brother inlaw or something that died. He hadn't seen the guy in years so they weren't exactly close. She got to talk to him today and it helped calm her down. I always ask what was said about me. I don't really want her saying stuff thats exadurated or simply untrue as i can be sarcastic and she doesn't really know it, plus I love to know everything that has to do with me Razz . She said he wanted my opinion on something but she was hesitant to ask as she knew the answer. I am a fairly open person and didn't understand what she was saying. She said "after all thats gone on this week we have talked about it and we went to spend the night in the same bed togeather. Nothing sexual at all but we want to snuggle and be close the entire night, we both want that closeness and intimacy without being sexual". My reaction was wtf!?!? I don't know if i just don't have the capacity to understand but it seems so strage to me. She has seen him face to face 3 times and only one time was for a couple hours. She talks about how deep the connection is and all these feelings she has, but she says the same thing about any relationship that gets past the intial stages. I had a really hard time responding to her. I was brutally honest without trying to hurt her and i just said i am not comfortable with other people i don't know nor trust sleeping in my house. I have a thing with privacy as i talked about before. I need my own space and that is my house. I don't want some man i don't know sleeping in my house in my mom's bed. I don't care how much she trusts him, i would rather be out of the house and not know any details what-so-ever. If they did the snuggle thing thats upto them, i don't need to be included in the decision making. The thing is i would have to be home. He has his kids on the weekend and i have no way of leaving during the week. Im not 100% sure what i can do. I will probably just end up staying up all night on WoW or something, but i will not sleep. Part of it is my space being violated and being asleep i am the most vulnerable i can be. Im not willing to do that with strangers around.

Well to switch topics my PC should be here tomorrow. I am really excited about it, just hoping all the parts are in perfect shape and i don't have to ship anything back. I don't have to go to college til noon tomorrow so i hope it will be here before then. All my bases are covered and someone will be home all day.

The other day i was reading through some older posts and i came across one user commenting that he could never do a journal based on actual life because he doesn't want other people's crap talked about, so he won't talk about his own. I was going to respond to that post but i thought i would make more of a statement. I wanted to say how you don't really know the format then. A journal isn't a place to air ones problems rather then discuss the goings-on and whats new. It could include some life issues but alas thats what life is about in the end. Bashing the format is being disrespectful and really just shows you don't really know what its about. I don't have any real need to discuss the problems i have and i try to keep that to a minimum, if thats all that stands out you need to get some glasses.

Well the title for today was a random thought. Au revoir. Hopefully new pc this time tomorrow, making another post!

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 13 Sep 2005 00:26 
Well i am posting from my shiny new pc, what a huge difference. I didn't have much problems assembling it. I got it all running except for some reason it wouldn't boot up and the display didn't work. I forgot the silly CPU power cord, i never even knew such a thing existed. i figured it was a connector for arcaic mobos Razz Learn something new evryday. I started around 5 oclock and was done by 7:15. Took about an hour to get windows installed and to get the guy over the phone to validate it. I was forwarded to india but the guy was nice enough. Ill post some screenshots of WoW and GW on the 2 different PCs in the just talk forum. Well WoW is still installing so i figured i would make a more detailed post. A huge amount of boxes came with the PC, tomorrow i am going to have to organize them. I can't see the floor of my room. The pc is kinda floating in the middle of the living room floor right now. I need to tidy my room up and move things around to make room for the desk. That will be my project tomorrow and i can get some real playtime in and see what i think. Right now i am just getting my games and updates put in. I have yet to do sp2. Its wicked clicking the power button and 5 seconds later you can use the computer, the laptop is atleast a minute or more.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 13 Sep 2005 11:02 
Well i have an hour break at school so i figured i would make a detailed post. I ended up being up til 2AM working on the new computer. It didn't go too well. I burnt all WoW ISOs and everyone but the final file worked. I figured it wouldn't as the ISO was 670+ megs. Adding the lead in and lead out it left some data out on me. So i got my home network working and i transfered all ISOs from my laptop to my desktop, took about 75 minutes. I started downloading SP2 aswell and i went to bed. I figured i would get up around 6 and get SP2 in, didn't happen. I looked at the alarm clock and it was 7:50, i had 20 minutes to catch the bus. I rushed my ass off and got SP2 installing and got out the door. Ran 30% of the way and when i got there the bus was still there, i started running and it pulled out on me. It figures it made my 20 minutes late for my 1st class. Luckily i seen a guy ahead of me in my program that was late too. I stuck behind him so he couldn't see me, gave him a 5 second headstart into class so the teacher bitched at him. He just got me to write my name down saying i was there so i got out unscathed. It was as boring as hell. The class it networking concepts so there is alot of talking about various services and protocols and types of networks etc. Running on 5 hours sleep didn't help me concentrate either. Tonight is going to be busy aswell as ive got to tidy up the boxes and get them out of my room, move my stereo to god knows where, drill a hole in the floor and split cable up into my room for internet etc. I don't exactly have a powerbar either so i have no idea how i will get everything plugged in. I could stop at canadian tire on my way home and buy one. I figure ill buy a cheap one and swap it with the fancy surge protector my grandpa bought me for my original computer. It works really well and i never had a problem with it, plus you want something of decent quality for an expensive computer. I would rather be home setting it all up and giving it a whirl, but i am stuck here til 2:30. Next class is MS comp aps which is just using access, excel, powerpoint etc so that will be quite boring. Damn i am tired, i could see myself asleep on the couch before 6. I did apply for that student job, i hope to god i get it. My resume is fairly impressive but there will be someone else better most likely. Ill just have to shine in the interview. At college the cafeteria has alot of healthy stuff (which rocks) and i happen to be addicted to the cinnamon raisen bagels. Toasted for about 25 seconds with some butter, holy crap. I never thought i liked toasted bagels, i changed my mind Razz Anyway i better think about heading off to class. After this 2 hr class i have a 1hr, i hope to god he lets us go early. Its mainly a work period and we did the assignment yesterday.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Sep 2005 00:18 
well its been quite awhile since my last post. The past few days have been tumultous to say the least (i know i mispelt that). Ill start with last week and build into it. School was long. We started all our classes and the fun stopped. I got an assignment from every class and some of them were quite long. I have to do this huge data sheet in excel that i have no idea how to do. Ive never really used excel to be honest. I think he is going over it tomorrow but i have to do a VB assignment first, so it will be a challenge. Another assignment i got was doing a pamphlet on surviving 1st year in the program. It seems odd to get us to do this assignment when we are brand new and can't really speak from experience. Im not sure if he is really bright and is trying to engage us more in preparation and discussing how we can ultimatly survive our first year, or if he just needed something for us to do. We were put into groups and i got stuck with an old skinny bald guy and some 30~ish why has such a mute voice you can barely hear what he says. I volunteered to find links, thats it. Ill leave the work to them as i have NO interest in collaborating with them. They don't seem to get anything and have to always ask questions. Being assured is good but they want to know EVERYTHING. "Do we have to produce a hard copy of the assignment?". Well duh, of course you f- do. You have to hand the assignment in to get marks after all.

I had to work saturday/sunday like normal. f- i can't wait til i can get out of there. Tomorrow will be a week that i applied at the college, it said give 2 weeks to get an interview call. This week i am going to hit the pavement and hit ever f- bookstore in the city. Maybe i can get lucky and get a job where you sit there all day, ring a few people through and read funny magazines about jesus being found in a crack den.

My new PC is great, i am really happy with it. It took some work to iron the bugs out of it though. The videocard would turn the monitor off after any strenous 3d gfx, driver update fixed that. I am using a pirate copy of windows, i ordered a proper version off ebay for cheap. The current version i can't use any microsoft online service which is a major pain.

Well here comes the real juice. This week the guy my mom is seeing didn't talk to her much. I had to listen to her ponder over him al friggin week. She would talk about he could have met an old girlfriend at work and now he is ignoing her etc. She always comes up with these highly improbable ideas and frets over them. He called yesterday and she was talking to him when i left for work. I came home and knocked on the door... and knocked... and knocked.. i realized his truck was outside. Her window was right there and i stuck my ear to it, i heard belts being done up. I ran around back and came in the house and mom was coming out of her room. She claims he had spilt some change on the floor and was picking it up, it does kinda make sense as the sound was a little off. Turns out they were "snuggling" in my moms bed. That REALLY pisses me off. She keeps saying she wants to be "intimate without having sex" and how all the shit going on they had to be close bla bla bla. He came out later and i was not friendly to him. I would speak but i did not have a friendly tone nor did i smile. He ended up staying the night in my moms room so they could "snuggle" some more. That pissed me off even more. I wasn't even considered in that situation and it was really unfair. I am a very private person, especially when it comes to strange people. There is no f- way i want him in my house while i am asleep. I barely slept as i had to be onguard and couldn't be comfortable. This relationship is really starting to scare me as its shaking at the foundation of everything i have known. Thinking about it makes me sick. I have always wanted to graduate college and work to get my mom and i a better life. I was planning to get us a nice house and she could do the minor tasks at home and take care of things like she does now. I want nothing more then that. I could meet someone, which is true but i still highly doubt it. Im not big into dating at all and i don't really drink or go out to bars so ill never meet someone at this rate. That thought doesn't bother me so much as what ever will be will be. Anyway back to the topic. I feel like an asshole but i am going to start countering the relationship. She goes off with these wild thoughts and you can make her think they are actually founded and it contributes to her negativity until she gives up and has had enough. I have asked her to be happy with our situation and she is happy right now. She does want someone but this guy isn't right. The 3 kids things REALLY bothers me as its merging two families. I am a very greedy person and i do things to further things for me and my mom. Thats my goal and thats my intention. I will help people out but generally i do things for benefit. He would be more favorable to his kids and my mom towards me, which causes tension etc etc. If she found a guy with no kids i could adjust fairly easy enough. It would be hard but it wouldn't be impossible. The way its going this could be really serious. I know i sound like a greedy asshole and it might be true. If people knew me in life they could really see why i do think this way. If it was to go much further i would probably get a solo dorm room. I would hate living on my own but i think i would like it better then having a 12 13 and 17yr old around constantly. My mom said it would break her heart if i did move out because she moved in with him. That could be the ticket why it won't work out as she knows it would be impossible for us. Anyway enough rambling, its 12:30 on a school night. I hope he doesn't show up at all this week, feed the seeds of doubt!

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Sep 2005 10:46 
Well i am feeling better about the situation today. Ive decided i won't be a pain in the neck and try to sabotage the relationship, but i won't be positive about it. I will call things as i see it. If she is having doubts, if they are founded i will confirm them. I just pray this doesn't work out. She says there is a spark there she has never had before, but she has had that spark with other people aswell. There have been about 4 guys that she has been serious with within the past 6 years or so. They always end up getting busy or whatever and she thinks they just don't want to see her so she pulls away. If he puts in the effort this is going to go places and make things really complicated. I honestly can't see my mom being happy having 3 step kids around all the time. The whole dynamic there of merging families wouldn't work well in the case and i would be the one majorly impacted. I don't want to be living in a dorm room. It would be better then this situation, but it still sounds like hell. It did cross my mind i could live with my grandparents as i do have a bedroom out there, but i would need to get a car so i could get to school. Its a thought anyway... maybe i should go write my license so i can move things along as a backup plan. Im not really sure what to think or what i can do. Ive expressed my feelings to my mom and she seems to think i could deal with it for the most part. When we get into it she will say something like "don't you want me to be happy?" i want to say something like "yes i do, but not at the cost of sacrificing my life aswell. don't you want me to be happy?" but i could never say something like that.

Anyway i got most of this crappy assignment done for Excel. I hate Excel as i have no real use for it. I can see its a handy tool but i want to be a game programmer, not an accountant Rolling Eyes. Ive got a short VB project i need to finish but there is no open labs that have VB on them. The teacher will probably point me out as having it not done. There is a slight chance there is an open one from 11:30-12:30. I am crossing my fingers there is. Otherwise ill show up 10 minutes early for class and work my ass off. Any luck she will yack for a few minutes into class. Anyway im off for now.

Edit: got the VB project done a few minutes ago. I realized there is a huge lab that always has open computers and they do have VB installed. Kinda funny as sitting across from me is a girl i used to work with. She hasn't recognized me yet and i hope she doesn't. I find it mildly funny i am typing about her when she is less then 2 feet away. Anyway au revoir for today.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 24 Sep 2005 01:22 
Havn't made a post in awhile, figured i would do an update. Alot has gone on. Not much has changed with the situation between me and my mom. She thinks the relationship with the guy is so great and how wonderful he is. I wish she could see right through him like i do. I pick up on the way he talks. He does have a magnetic persnality which my mom fell for. He tried it on me but i won't give in as i am not really that weak and meager. Another reason i will resist is the last thing i want is some guy pretending to be my dad. I have never had a dad so i don't need to start now. It doesn't bother me at all that i am not involved with my dad at all.

Money is starting to become a big issue now. My mom only gets a few hours a day at her current job, the money is great but not enough hours. She has a job lined up to be the personal chef for a high end organic daycare, but the opening date keeps getting pushed back. Waiting for this job to open up has drained most of our reserve money. We are left with about $700 for oil this winter. We do have $13,300 or so invested but touching that is a scary thought, when thats gone then what? One main conflict is the fact i am not taking shifts i have been getting from work. When i started i said i could help out more and i would take every extra hour i could. I never anticipated the job being bad enough i never want to be there, so i have turned down every single shift for along time. Lucikly they always seem to call when she is not home so i just shut the answering machine off and wait til they hang up. If she was home there would be a big fight over if i should take it or not. So we are going into the hole by about $100 every month. I am currently contributing $70 a month or so. I am going to step that up to $170 or so and the rest will be mine. Right now money is REALLY tight as i had to buy a $85 thumb drive for school and another $130 textbook. My student loan comes in next week so thats an option if we get into some trouble. I hope people will put out the positive energy that this job will happen for my mom soon. It sounds silly to wait around but it is a really good job and she was lucky to land it.

School has been going alright. This week i am feeling more comfortable at school and i have been alot more social with everyone. It takes me time to get to the point where i just don't give a f-. One guy i got the chance to talk to seemed really cool. I can definatly see hanging out with him sometime. He has similar interests as me but is not a f- nerd like everyone else in the class. The project i had to do with the old guy went alright. He did a rough copy and presented it. I told him to rearrange everything and actully give it some format but i am confident i will get an A in the class. I got my first HTML assignment back, 100%. I was plesently suprised. It wasn't a difficult exercise but it was tricky. Networking concepts is by far the worst class. My teacher was born in the Czech republic and has a really bad accent. I have a hard time understanding wtf he is saying. He seems to presume we know all this stuff and just says stuff like " a switch is better then a hub". I don't know anything about networking so i am going, well why is a switch better then a hub? Maybe he would be better off doing more advanced networking. I want a teacher that is somewhat approachable and just doesn't confuse you more with their jargon talk.

On the job front i think i will try getting into a local call centre that activates cellphones. It sounds like an amazing job to me. Dealers call up and report the details of people who signed up and i put the activation through. I can get upto 60 hours a week, its my choice. That flexability allows me to work 20-25 hours during school then get into a full 40-60 during the summer. The call center is contracted by T-Mobile and business is booming. This job sounds right up my alley, $10 an hour (amazing rate for a student job, you won't find anything better around here.. well its quite a step above the student job) Cross your fingers for me!

Well i am out for tonight. I wanted to talk about more but my eyelids are heavy. I have to work tomorrow night and probably sunday, scheduling runs from sat-sun so i never have any idea.

Before i go i noticed readership of the journal forum has droped alot. I am quite dissapointed as i loved getting an average of 30 reads per entry, its motivation to want to post as it will be seen. (Refresh this page 4 or 5x and ill post more often Razz)

Au Revoir

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 27 Sep 2005 15:55 
Alot of people were interested in the GNR stuff i posted awhile back, so i thought i would give out some more info.

Chinese Democracy is starting to come to light slowly. For the past month there has been alot of rumbeling around interscope/geffen and some meetings have been held (this is alleged, it could be extreme circumstance). There is a rumor that looks quite credible that there will be a GNR song on the soundtrack to "The Davinci Code". GNR's manager has said it may or may not be true. He has always been quick to shoot false stuff down so there is atleast talks going on around the idea.

Back to Geffen. The record label has been in talks and from the slight bit of info i have says the following:

A) The album is done, the little things that need to fall in place are being worked on. The CD has been mixed, mastered and the linear notes and artwork are done.

B) There will be a date set within the next couple weeks, weither we will hear it or not is hard to say.

C) The label is excited about the release, they were not a year ago.

D) The search for a single that could be best for radio is being looked at. They are asking people in the loop to mention GNR a fair bit, do a slight bit of promo without leaking much info.

Again this is somewhat speculation, but i believe my source to be reliable as their words have panned out in the past. Hard to believe 11yrs of waiting will culminate within the next couple months.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 01 Oct 2005 00:59 
Well i guess im due.

Long week. School was boring and drab. Leading upto the 5th week all the tests and assignments start to roll in. I have to do a 3pg technical writeup on a specific piece of hardware or software and plan a tutorial presentation for one class. I have to work friday, saturday, sunday. Tomorrow is a f- 8 hour shift. I changed my availability so i am only sat/sun. I feel like a f- drone i am so tired. My ram has been f- up on me which isn't fun. I bought a dual channel memory kit and put it in slots 3/4. Turns out it has to be in 1/3 or 2/4. I change it and get a bios error. 2/4 same thing. I am talking with tech support online to see if we can fix the problem. Well its a short entry.

This is out of reach and its...drone.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 06 Oct 2005 18:43 
Sleep is for the weak. Everyday i raise from a soft place to deal with the daily grind when all i would love to do is lie in bed until my arms quiver. The lack of sleep shows me i do have limits, the electricity isn't always there. I need to be made to feel stuff rather then being perceptive and electric in general. I realize now that i am not superhuman unless i want myself to be. Each day i make a choice to push my physical limits further and further, even though i don't know how high the cost is.

Do you ever wonder how come people are not motivated? I am the only person who has ever existed that has motivation. I am sorounded by slugs and people who don't give a f-. Talking with the plebian masses i hear "Well i can make good money programming!" which is all they care about. I now know i am of a special breed that has never exited and will never exited again. I burn to get out there and work my ass off to reflect what is the essence of me. That is the point in life isn't it? How can people stand to be 45 and not change anything? I have relatives who are in decent jobs and miserable, but don't care enough to change things. They dismiss themselves as incoherent and unable to learn or adapt. I must always remember the only thing that matters to me in the end, is me. My time is finite so i must do what i can with it. Not letting a single day waste because i feel meagre or weak. Pushing oneself is what its all about.

The reason i am the most motivated person of all time is because i am the only person who has ever existed. After i am dead and gone there will never be any other person that will exist. It starts with me and ends with me. You are the only person that will ever exist. It started with you and it will end with you. Beyond you there is no other individual. Around us there are humans but humans are plain simple and assholes like every other human. The only person that matters is me. The only person that matters is you.

This fire is burning and its out of control, its not a problem you can stop its rock n roll.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 29 Oct 2005 01:57 
Well its been quite some time since my last entry, i really havn't had much time. School has been going ok. I am starting to realize its not like highschool. I used to be able to walk into any test without any notes or studying and pull an 84-100% easy. With the same approach im hitting 60-70%. i am going to start and study and the such as i want to get honors just to make my resume more impressive. The situation with my mom and that guy is solved, he is out of the picture now. I am glad he is gone but i hate seeing her the way she is. She is upset over it and all. She started picking up some things with him, and my intuition was going nuts. I knew he was trying to turn us against each other and get me out of the picture. He was always trying to get her to leave me alone and go spend nights with him and his kids, not bothering to even include me. He is the type of guy that everyone always falls all over him because he is so funny and great. I picked that up on the very first night i met him, and i took the oposite approach. I projected that 1) i dont buy into it 2) i see what your doing. He picked up on that loud and clear, but he still made his attempt. I was supporting her ideas she had about him, as she was right. Then she got so suspicious that she looked on the dating site where she met him. He had just added new images when he asked my mom not to go there as they would be "exclusive". That was his way of keeping her off the site, he even had a 2nd username we found. She called him and said "we agreed to be open and honest did we not?" "yeah.. what are you saying?" "well i noticed you added new pictures on the dating site" "oh, my son taylor did that a month ago" "well, what did happen to the honest thing?" "well, if you ever want to talk about this give me a call *click*" and he hung up on her.

Enough of that. I am really looking forward to the gaming season coming up with lots of RPGs coming out. Oblivion is out in a month. I hope the developers focused on making the weak physics and combat system of morrowind. The visuals are stunning, so it should be great. Civilization 4 is out aswell, downloading as i type this.

Its the time of year where i start getting lots of projects and the such. One project i have is actually pretty cool. We have to design the technical details around a videogame and produce a manual. Ive taken control of most everything in the project and i divy up the work etc. So far its going quite well, hopefully that continues as the group is 4 people. The professor had a discussion with me today about how he wants to see a game development course implemented to combat the drop out rate. He was talking about how alot of 16yr olds drop out as they can't see going anywhere as the town i live in doesn't have alot of opourtunity to explore more advanced interest. He said if the college had a game development program alot of students would second guess dropping out. The funny thing is that he mentioned about me being an instructor in such a program once i am done college, and to keep my options open. I live seeing that my proffs have that level of confidence in my abilities. I do truly feel I have the it factor to propel myself beyond where most people end up. I thirst to always be going towards a goal. Being stuck in a dead end job would be my fault and only I could do something about it.

I still have yet to find a new job. I had an interview at the cellphone activation center. They asked me to fill out an application when i droped off a resume, i said sure. they then asked me to do a test as they liked my app, i did the test. It was a simple logic and typing test. I passed that with flying colors then had an interview. He was impressed and offered me a job on the spot. The training was 3 weeks long and required me to be there 8-5, so i would miss school. Also it was 40h/week and i would be working til about 1-2am, could get 1-6am sometimes aswell. I declined and walked out of there really dissapointed.

It seems like i am finally almost out of debt. My PC is paid for, my creditcard balances are at 0 and my grandpa is paid up for little loans i had got here and there. He was nice enough to cover an additional textbook i needed so that was a major help. I really do appriciate all that he does for me financally. Me and my mom are afloat thanks to my grandparents. They are not rich by any means but they have done well for themselves with the circumstances. They do buy most of my clothes, cover glasses and dentist etc as those costs out of no where is what we can't handle at the moment. Its getting pathetic as the daycare job has yet to come through for my mom. The daycare has 2 part time kids and one of them will build into fulltime. Its at that point she will need my mom, but that kid isn't fulltime til january. The lady will do upto 8 fulltime at once so she is always looking. Thinking about it, it is quite neat how i have

Today for the first time i picked up photoshop and started working on various things and it went really well. I picked up alot of tricks and started getting familiar with the program. I figure its best i get these skills now so i can apply them to game design in the future. The best manager is someone who can do every single aspect of every job they manage. It may be slightly impossible but its a good standard to strive towards. I have 3D studiomax downloaded, so i figure late next week ill get start working on that. I want to start off slow so i can firmly grasp things and not get in bad habits. Here are the first two images i created without using any original image from google or anything.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 10 Nov 2005 16:59 
Things are seperating at the seams these days. My mom and i have been fighting like nuts and i can't really see why. She seems really angry, agressive and frusterated and she isn't 100% open enough to let me know what exactly is bothering her. Today i mentioned the place i work and she said "speaking of work, things are going to change". I look at her with a kinda "huh?" look and we then spent the next 2 hours fighting. First she tells me i am going to go in and change my availability and be available for 4 shifts a week and start and contribute more financially. I then said i don't see that as being fair by dictating to me that I am going to change my availability to what she wants, but tell me how much to contribute. She then said $300 and my jaw hit the floor. We then talked about it and i realized she is basically forcing me to take the availability she wants. Its not a huge deal if i actually made that much in a month. The way it stands she makes about $1000 a month total. She works 2 hours a day for $14.50 an hour as a personal chef. The daycare job is still up in the air, she needs ONE more kid to need my mom for 4 hours a day. She then proceded to release all her frusterations about everything. She said she is sick of me being on the computer so much and doing a shitty job of typical chores she asks me to do. When she asks me to clean something I tend to wait to the last minute, give it a quick wipe and im done. When she asks me to do something like make her a cup of tea while she gets ready for bed ill sigh and get up, plug the kettle in and come back in and continue what i was doing. Minor little things like that gets to her. When i bought my computer i didn't have the money for a desk. I had planned to put it in my room but i knew if i did i would be in there constantly and she and I would tend to just disconnect until she snapped one day. Its been on the floor for quite some time now and she spazed at me about that. "You havn't even changed your availability so you can buy a god damn desk! I am sick of that thing being in the middle of the floor!". To me it seems quite a minor issue, but secretly its something of great importance to her. In response i have to go out tomorrow and apply at a bajillion places. Im not going to be able to handle taking lots of hours at my current job for an extended period of time. The thing is that $300 is going to be a majority of my paycheques and i have to come up with money for school tuition, pay back debts and more. To do this i will have to continue looking elsewhere for work. Ive applied to the canadian version of Bestbuy online. All i really need is something i can slightly enjoy so i will be willing to take the extra shifts and work 20-30 hours a week. As it stands 12 hours is pissing me off majorly. My previous job i did 25 hours a week and wanted more. She has also said i need to pitch in alot more around the house and not whine and bitch about the minor things. She said the computer needs to be put in its proper priority, what ever that means. She seems to think vaccuming or having the dishes done at 7 oclock seems to have some great priority over everything else. Thats the main thing about her i don't understand. It seems like ALL she cares about. It does seem slightly odd to me as i get up at 7:10 am, leave for school at 7:40. Get home around 12-4PM depending on the day, work on school work, do the menial chores and rinse and repeat. She does some menial work around the house til 3PM, leaves and is home around 5:15. She makes supper etc but thats about it. I just pray to god i can find a job where i am happy, thats all i really care about now. Its all stuff that i need to do along the way to get to where i am going. After all, i am the most motivated person that has ever existed. If i want something to happen or work, it will. If it doesn't, i will find a way. In the end it all boils down to my simple quote.

Just as every cop is a criminal, and all the sinners saints. As heads is tails just call me lucifer as i am in need of some restraint. So if you meet me, have some courtesy. Have some sympathy, have some taste. Use all your well learned politisse, or ill lay your soul to waste.

That line means alot to me as i see everything i am and everything i can do in those words. At first glance it seems something demonic admitting some slight weakness, but its not like that at all. The line is realizing the power of your own mind and using it to combat that which makes me human. The only thing holding anyone back is the fact they are human. Humans are built to have internal struggle and it plays out constantly. There is no real way to kill that next to just becoming so numb you can hear nor feel nothing. This situation is about ME, and how i can make the best of it and twist it to greatly benefit me. The situation: Im being forced to work more hours at a horrible job. What can i do to improve the situation? Find a better job. I can work at some place i enjoy and do a large amount of hours, having extra money for what ever i want. Sure my mom might not make 100% sense, but in the end its only the two of us. We have to fill in the gaps and be part of a team. My mind and body are strong enough to do what needs to be done. I can fight the typical thoughts and reluctencies i have.

Do me a favor. If you read this, put the energy out there that I need to find a job that i can enjoy. If your into praying do that. Putting out the energy and thoughts is the only way things will change for the better. The greater the energy the greater the results. Thanks!

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 11 Nov 2005 18:06 
Today was an amazing day. Started out and i felt 75% asleep. Got to the bus stop and talked with a friend for a bit then we went to school. Got there and we have a 2hr lab class which basically means hang out for a bit. We did work on the project for quite a bit. There are four of us that hang out in every class and even after class. John is a really cool guy. We are really good friends and hang out alot. He does live about an hour out of town which sucks. Ross is quite a character. He is really charismatic and is a technology guru like myself. He is quite a bit older, he has 6 years on me. You can tell he has done alot of shit in his life. Even though he is still wicked to hang around with and funny as hell. Jason is also a good friend but I am still not 100% what to make of him. He does seem to have his own agenda and doesn't seem to interested in hanging around with any of us.

After school we all went to wendys (john drove). We had a good meal and some laughs. After that Jason and Ross went their own way and John and i went out to bestbuy. We must have spent a good hour in there hanging around. We checked out alot of the new gadgets and things, talked with a cool guy that worked there and picked up some DVDRWs. He then brought be back to my house and went on his way. I had a great afternoon hanging around and I hope it can become a frequent thing.

From there i went downtown and put in some resumes. I normally hate doing that but this was quite fun for some reason, and then it happened. I went to staples and got an application for there. I went down to a pet shop and applied there, found out they are looking for help coming up (score). Droped by a CD store and left a resume there. Went into a small bookstore and applied there. Then i went onto indigo books which is a huge bookstore with a coffee shop, a music section and a huge amount of books. I LOVED the feeling i got from the bookstore. It was decorated for the season and just looked great. I just got that feeling while there. I then went on to a local coffee shop and got a nice doughnut and a coffee. I just sat there and enjoyed my coffee and doughnut while working on my staples application. I also contemplated some thoughts i often had. The setting i was in and the entire day seemed to put me in that perfect mood.

I contemplated this image that has always stuck with me. God and Satan sitting in a cafe in paris, the snow is coming down outside. They are both comtemplating issues they have with each other. I picture a picturesque cafe on a wealthy street in paris. The snow is coming down outside and shoppers are walking by. Christmas lights are raidiating their multi faceted lights all around the setting, each fighting for their own space. In the window is God and Satan, both mulling over a hot cup of tea. They are discussing their therories of creation and chuckling over their omniscent knowledge. Its as if the entire history of everything is culminating at a paris cafe, over a cup of tea. A stiring image.

You are probably asking, wtf happened? I did casually mention something happened today. I did, thats what. During the day, i am not sure when. I broke through. I have felt it for the last while, but i was never sure when it was going to happen. Ive always had perverbial chains binding me to something. Ive never understood what was holding me back or why. I felt the power under the surface and have always known it was there. Today doing the resume thing i came in contact with the perfect combination of people. I had the chance at the pet store to just stand around and talk for a bit. I fed off the energy this girl was putting off. She was extremly friendly and had this air about her. Hitting the CD store the girl behind the counter was electric. I felt the surge just handing her my resume and the smile and thank you she gave me. Sitting in the coffee shop over my hot drink i could feel it releasing. I have no inhibitons any more. Over the months i have felt it coming to fruition but i never knew when it was going to break. I can feel the energy all though my body. It is unlike any feeling i have ever had before. I can't describe the feeling but it is pure bliss. Everything there has ever been culminated today and shot through me with a buring fire. Just thinking about it makes me laugh. I know what i am now for the first time. Hell, even know i can not stop talking about it.

Just as every....

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 21 Nov 2005 17:10 
Well i figured i would do another entry. I went outside to catch the bus and missed it so ive got some time to wait. Everything has been going kinda better. My mom is asking for $250 now and it looks like her job at the daycare is finally coming through. It will work into fulltime by january as she has a fair number of kids booked. Once that happens i won't need to give much at all, just enough to show "responsability", her words not mine. This weekend i was out at my grandparents place for bit. I did nothing what so ever. He had a free preview for G4 Tech TV so i spent much of the weekend watching that. It seemed like a cool channel but i think it would get old fast. Call for Help is an awesome show, i actually learned quite bit from that. Attack of the Show is just plain dumb as hell. Filter was alright, kinda a dumb idea. Some of the profile and making of.. shows were quite good, i love watching stuff like that as you always pick something up in relation to game development. One show talked about the rise of the splinter cell games, the technology behind the latest title is quite cool.

School is going ok, but its alot of f- work. Within the next 2 weeks ive got to do a complete HTML/JS/css website, incorporating elements of almost everything we have covered. Then i have to do an audio/video presentation on a game concept developed around a next-gen engine. Ive got lots of inengine footage, ive just got to edit it and create the audio in the style i want. Then there is big VB project. Its not too hard, just alot of forms and shit.

The situation with my mom has picked up slightly. I always have a certain power over someone and i managed to make her back down from her demands and garbage. Well the bus should be here soon, im out.

As for my name, all original.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 30 Nov 2005 00:58 
Well guess an update is due. The main big thing going on is tomorrow ive got a job interview at computer depot. It happened mistakingly that i even applied. Ill go through the story, its kinda comical. I was at work and this bitch comes through my checkout with $500 worth of organic food. She is on welfare and has a $250 voucher, so half of it had to go back. My supervisor rang in the order while i was running some of the cold stuff back to the freezer. I came back and my supervisor had finished and said take those 2 carts and leave them in organics. I did that and about 5 minutes later this chick comes over and asks me if it was me that left the carts in organics. I said yeah and she started bitching there was cold stuff left out and how it could go bad etc. I explained it to her and she kept on bitching and bitching despite explaining it multiple times. I then said you can talk to someone else about it, ive explained it multiple times. She then calls the assistant manager over and starts screaming this at the top of her lungs, this is a direct quote "This f- asshole is giving me f- atttitude. I told him to f- go and put the f- shit back but then he tells me its not his f- job. Ive worked here f- longer then you have been f- alive." I just stood there mocking her, saying crap like "gosh, cant even treat people like they are human can we?". The assistant manager just tried to calm her down and that was that. We ended up putting the crap back and I kept pissing her off when I could. I got home and decided enough is f- enough, its time to get a new job where I am happy. So i checked the paper and seen computer depot. I filed and got a call monday, interview at 2pm tomorrow. This position will be killer if i can land it. Ive heard speculation about ill get about $8.00 an hour to start plus a decent comission for any sales i get. This can be the ticket to everything and I can finally fulfill my excessive wants. If i get this i could afford my own place and bills, get a car etc. But i wont speculate too much. Im just going to save up to get that car first. Friends keep telling me i should finance something brand new thats worth like 20,000. I am a fair bit apprehensive to go for that much when I am still a student with lots of bills. As it stands i get $7.45 an hour throughout the week and $9.05 an hour on sunday. Most of the times its really short shifts, 4-6 hours. So $20 is a fair bit when i dont make very much, but i generally spend a good $40 a week if not alot more.

School is going ok. In Technical Writing im doing a huge audio/video presentation. I finished the audio up for the most part now i just need to create credits and remove some clips. Networking ive got tests and the such coming up. Access is a bitch, doing custom forms and reports. VB we have a big project due within a week. Math im not doing that great in, ive got a test this thursday too. Ive got to pay 2nd semseters tuition this friday, i figure ill just pay the deferral and take out of my scholarship in january. Me and my friends have been playing WoW quite a bit. We are all 15 shamans and rocking socks all over azeroth. Well, tis late. Should hit the sack.

As for the title, it always changes like normal.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 30 Nov 2005 16:39 
Well i had 15 minutes so i thought i would do an update. Just got back from the interview and it went quite well. I got there and had to fill out a quick synopsis of what i knew, asking what NIC, DDR, FDD, HDD, AGP etc stood for. I got 23/25 on that, not 100% what i screwed up. He asked about my personal experience with computers and i talked about my motivations, ambitions and the such. We talked about my system for a bit, he asked me some specific hardware questions. Talked about my background and different relative courses ive done. It sounds like it would just be a fair number of hours up til christmas then it would just be saturday and possibly another day. I hate when they ask you the rate of pay as there is no right or wrong answer. If i said $7.45 (minimum wage) he might think my impression of the store is its cheap garbage, if i said more he might think i am too big for my britches. I just said $7.85-$8.50 as thats what i see as reasonable. Had to wait a good 2 hours for the interview. Sucked as we went out to taco bell for lunch and i was quite close to the store so i waited around. My intial impression of the store was "wow". It had a real cool design to it, had a really nice feeling plus it was big. This is the only store they own yet they have their own warehouse in brampton along with a huge backroom with about 50 systems stacked to the roof. I am just going to think positive and hope i get it. He said he will let me know either way which is great, i wont be wondering in two weeks time if ill ever get a call. Almost bus time, au revoir.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Dec 2005 01:12 
ive decided to switch it up a bit, this journal has become to bland. I won't talk much about my life unless its exciting. It will mainly be different things that have provoked thoughts.

I always love this time of year but things are a changin'. Back when i was younger christmas was always a huge deal. I would think of it when I started going back to school. I was always plotting what I would get and how I would spend any christmas money. For some reason things seem to have changed, I seem to be getting older at last. No I am not loosing my greed or need, that shall never leave me. I seem to be actually getting older and wiser. Those slight little things are gone now.

I love to wonder. I think life is a great platform to just wonder and think. Approach is everything. When going after a situation there is nothing greater then having an approach. Weither its a date or a job interview, strategy is everything. It gives the edge over the plain people who don't care. Approach a situation sometime and just see. The next job interview you have, plan how it should go. Think of the style of questions, check up on what the company is about. Its where to really find the edge you strive for. Ive got mine, where is yours?

A new feature will be a set of lyrics from a song I find to be kickass. There is no quality beyond these besides they rock socks. Some of these might even be my own lyrics I made up, but I shall not divulge it either way.

Loving the Mystery- Monsieur Ash

I've seen the houses of the holy
Felt the power of the mother church
I've seen the light from the one and only
Touched the voodoo and I kicked the curse
I've felt the power of the power of the people in the palace of pain
I've seen the young men in the killing fields
Been the victims of the politics of centuries
Will make damn sure it doesn't happen again
After the Fall Your not my teacher
After the fall Your not my Leader

I am my own, Deadly Sin

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 21 Dec 2005 00:51 
Jesus is the one on the mainline. He does all the women and takes the drug. No one dares question Jesus. Jesus is the one you pray to for forgivness, alas you don't realize. Jesus is out getting high. Passed out in the backroom. f- up so no one knows him. Jesus is on the mainline again.

Jesus died for your sins, who died for Jesus? Jesus feels the mainline to feel something. What makes a man? So what if he walked on water and cured the sick? Everyone is weak, there lies Jesus. Died from the addiction to the mainline. No one even knows, Jesus died on the mainline.

Yes, that did come out of no where. I just started typing and 5 seconds later that was on my screen. It does start off what I was going to talk about. I love the song Sympathy for the Devil by the rollingstones. The instrumentals and vocals are shit, so why do I like it? To me it has some of the greatest lines ever written down. The entire song plays out like the Devil admitting his weakness and asking for forgivness, while still having that acidic and overbearing edge.

For a long time I used those words to my advantage. I havn't talked about it much, so now is the time. Its a little deeper then what it seems. When i came back to this game after having run my course the first time I realized I had to do something drastic. I created a character everyone wanted to believe in and love. Thats all there was to it. I inflated my age and acted like it for the most part. I was always helpful and trust worthy. It amazes me how the people of this game are looking to cling to something and someone. I seen the need and I fed it. It was a good social experament while it lasted. The song plays into the whole thing as the moto I used. "Just as every cop is a criminal and all the sinners saints, as heads is tails just call me lucifer as i am in need of some restraint." Why was i so helpful and nice? Because i wanted something. There is motivation behind everything and everyone. Next time someone is really nice to you ask 'why?'. There is a reason. No one suspected me and look how that ended.

On the Mainline=heroin addiciton for those that didn't know.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 22 Dec 2005 16:31 
Well tis the good news time. That job came through for my mom, she starts as their personal chef january 3rd. This will be awesome as she will be home even less! Not to mention im going to fight tooth and nail so i don't contribute much beyond maybe $25 a week. Im trying to get across saying im working my ass off at school and work and should be able to keep that unless we have a dire need for it. Ive got no problem helping out, its just $250 is WAY to much when my income isn't much beyond $400 depending on the month.

I always love this time of year. It gives me an excuse to be happy without any reason. That sensation is in the air as you walk down the street, everything seems quite clear for once. Everyone seems in elevated spirits for the most part, makes my job alot easier. Hell, last week a lady wrote into the store saying how great I was. I know what she means, I love me too.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 31 Dec 2005 01:49 
Time for a tale. It might be something your expecting, it might be a huge revalation. It might be the very thing to shock you out of the why me mood. Thats right, im talking to you. You know who you are. Confuzed? Then move on. This is not aimed at you.

Ive got my gun loaded. Ive got two bullets remaining. Ive got two people to shoot. I never miss. Two people who wonder "why me?". Two people who insist that the only way they feel ok is looking at the stack of broken bottles. These two people need to realize that they are worth more then what they require. You only get at the most what you ask for. Think of the people going through similar situations that don't try to drink themselves into oblivion.

You need to try something. Put down that f- bottle and listen for once. Don't let it clog your ears and memory. Life is WAY to damn short to go through it in a fog and stupor. You drank yesterday away, thats enough of a waste. Stop that, drop that. Turn it around again. Now, why? Ask yourself that. don't go "omg, my life is so crappy." Don't go there. I don't care if your dad is a prick, your job is garbage or what not. Why? If all you can come up with is a lame reason like "My dad is a prick", Then drop the f- bottle. If all you can come up with is a lame reason like "My job is shitty", drop the f- bottle.

I will tell what you know despite the fact no one will. You are worth more then that. You hate your father, so are you going to let him control your life? Are you going to let him destroy you? You hate your job? Are you going to let that control your life?

Ive got two bullets. Its your choice. I can shoot that bottle from your hand or I can shoot you in the face. End it now or go on. Its your choice. Down the path you choose will lead to being a pathetic loser. Only you can decide what this bullet does. You only get at the most what you ask for. If your not happy only you can change it. Step out there and see what happens. Life is about risk. Going through the bottom of a bottle nothing will change.

This is intended to curb one who has his own appetite for destruction. The other intention is one who shakes the skies. If you wonder if this is you PM me for clarification. I am always here for help and motivation. Nothing is easy.

I dedicate Crash Diet to you. I shall play this song in your memory then forget about you. Its your choice now. Im always willing to help if I can.

Crash diet of reds n' ludes
A shot of vitamin C and a bottle of booze
Too stupid to live with nothin' to lose
In your one track mind now
Where's that leave you
Drink n' drive white lightning faster baby
Take your last ride
Now better be so careful or you'll be
Dead before your time
Sorry you took mother's car now

Tears in my eyes, baby please don't go
You've had one too many, havin' one for the road
Fresh from detox, fresh from jail
Took your rehabilitation and you drove me to hell

Drink n' drive white lightning faster
Take your last ride, yeah
Better be so careful or you'll be
Dead before your time
Sorry you took mother's car now

Too soon, you thought you didn't need it
Too late for the pressure and pain
Too bad for those who don't believe it
Ruby street still calls your name

Itchy trigger finger and the race to be alive
Smokin' a cig while you drink n' drive
With no control in your life ahead
You're never gonna see if you wind up dead

Drink n' drive white lightning faster
Take your last ride
Better be so careful or you'll be
Dead before your time
Drink n' drive white lightning baby
It's always on your mind
Push it to the limits baby
Do it one more time

Break it down
Break it down

Somethin's changin'
Somethin's breakin'

You gotta be a brother
For your family
Give it one more time, you'll make it
Sweet mystery

If you don't care about yourself
Won't you please leave me alive

You gonna
You gonna drink n' drive

You gonna drink'n'drive
Oooohhhhh, Yeeaaah!

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 02 Jan 2006 04:50 
A theme. A story. A book. A magazine. All words. Words that have meaning, have substance. Drip.. Drip.. Drip.. ink blots the page. Flipping, writing, wondering, understanding. Silly daddy, crutches are for sick people. Really? It's me after all? I guess ill take it. I don't understand you but it must be me. You said so, right? Drip.. Drip.. Drip.. that blasted noise continues. Ink continues to fall on the page. Is that the way you thought it would end? This is the way things worked out after all. Mom was right. You never would see the light. After all, it's me right? You always did wonder why everything is against you. Its me, right? The addicition, the binging, the purging. All my fault. The days, the nights. All my fault. Drip.. Drip.. Drip.. Will it ever stop? I do remember those days. Those days were all my fault. The comments, all me. The harrasment, all me. The placement, all me. I forced you to look.

Drip.. Drip.. Drip.. It's driving me mad, but its my fault.

Your there, like always. You have been there for lets see, 22 minutes 34 seconds? Do you feel different now? Do you feel a release? It's down to you know. It's not me. You grabbed the instrument. Thats always the first step. There always has to be that action. Your actions gave me a gift. Drip.. Drip.. Drip.. are you still there? In the end it's your fault. You seeked the ending. I was the means. The means was my fault, The ending was yours. Wait, what am I saying? It can't be my fault. You wanted it. It's your fault. The shining pierced my eyes. My brain screamed lies at the light. The light.. is the end. Did you see that light? I picked up the light. The end black as midnight, the steel cold and inspired. It came down slowly. I seen the look. That look.. was your fault. Midnight came down. Steel came down. It parted the white and the red. The white casted aside. The red brought forth. The crust had been scared, The red was free. Pouring down, the red ran away as fast as it could. The noise stopped. I was alone. Your fault had came to fruition. You just sat there. Drip.. Drip.. Drip.. Gone. My faults were gone. You were gone. So was I. Make sure your connected.

That was interesting. First time something like that has come out. Sometimes i just sit down and type. See what happens. These things just take shape without me having any conception at the begining. I find it fascinating to see what it turns into from conception to the end.

those wondering what its about, i picked a general character and a concept. mostly based off me. i wondered what it would be like if i had of been insane, or just a different person. I havn't talked to my father in 10 years now. He always used me as the blame for everything. He had relationship problems and blamed me (to my face) that it was my fault he took up smoking and drinking again. To prove my point about him, i have had contact with him once. At work he came through my line. I felt the energy before i even looked up, i knew it was him. His wife was there too. I could hardly recognize them. The voices were the same, but they had put on alot of weight. They did not recognize me one bit, despite i look quite the same. I like the result of just sitting down and writing, but it doesn't work that way for me. I can't say, lets write! It has to be at the perfect timing for it to be any good.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 03 Jan 2006 04:08 
I had no idea what the following would be, but alas a character developed himself. you don't know much about him, but you will. The story will play out in 12 one hour chunks. Yes, it will be shocking. It will embody alot of the things im thinking. I will be adding a few hours each day. I will hook you.

12 hours, tick tick. Boading the bus was the easiest part of the night. Suitcase and $100, ah my worldly posessions. Frantic glances dart in my direction. It works that way being me. Its one of the hardest things at first, but you get used to it. The aura we put off always gives us away. Ever feel the twinge on the back of your neck? Chances are I was around. I creep around at dusk. I frequently just follow someone. Half of the time they never see me. Transparency is my love. Being able to watch someone from an angle, know everything about them. Learn their likes, dislikes, loves, hates. Its all in my average day. I look for the evil. I crave the evil. How do you think I can morally sleep at night? I only take from the evil.

11 hours, tick tick. The bus is getting near the stop. People are still uncomfortable around me. I honestly don't blame them. Someone of my calibre can turn out your lights instantly. I've been guilty of many things in the past. I've had many transgressions worthy of history. Ive met many people in history. One day ill tell my story. That is, if the world can handle it.

10 hours, tick tick. My bus journey has finally come to an end. People are relieved I am leaving at this point. I hear there thoughts. Constant noise is my existance. I've learned to block it out, but many can not. Those are no longer here. Taken by their own actions. The streets are dark and cold. I move along the sidewalk at my own pace. The spot is getting closer, I can feel it. The sign glows with electric sex. Inviting those in. Those who come in don't always go out. I stand at the door for a second. Bracing for the pulse, the heat, the electricity. I know my destination, I just need focus. I fling the door back and start the trek directly to the back. The room is packed. Heat, Sex, Electric. I feel it in my bones. The smell is so inviting, so nausiating. Its hard to resist the temptation. Lights pulse from all angles. I feel the heat on my skin. Pulse, Pulse. I must focus on my goal. I move a little quicker. Gently pushing people aside I see my destination. The room I know so well. The door is massive. Wrought of oak centuries old. The weight alone prevents entry. I embrace the door. Putting my weight into it. It gives way and opens.

9 Hours, tick tick.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 04 Jan 2006 04:24 
9 Hours, tick tick. Ah, this is the room. So many memories here. So many bad memories. The flashbacks haunt me daily. The walls could tell so many tales. Many of us stalk these halls and rooms. Looking for the next fix. The need is worse then a heroin junkie. The voice is always there. Nothing is ever enough. The room feels cold and dark. A silence sweeps this room. The outside noise is unable to get in. You would call it peaceful. I would call it maddening. I return to the mainroom and jesture at the bouncer. He knows what to do. I make a simple jesture to a specific woman. I feel her hatred. Her sins are worn on her sleeve. I return to the room. Leaving the door ajar so she may enter. Just as commanded the bouncer comes to the room, woman in toe. I invite her in for a drink. I pull the mammoth door shut behind me. Her alcohol breath fills the room. Ah, the sweet smell of bourben. Having that thick quality that can fill your nostrils, yet its sweet in nature. I ask her some questions. About the past, about the present, about the future. I can feel it. She knows not answering my questions would be a mistake. I scanned her mind, body and soul.

8 hours, tick tick. My how the time has passed. I love hearing ones tale. After an hour of such talks I decide its time. Leaning over I grab her wrist and place it infront of me. Gently I raise it to my mouth. Swift and hot. Piercing pleasure. The intital gust is always the best. The heat fills the entire body. Each cell getting a jolt. She does not fight me, she knows. Slowly the fount is begining to dry, she is drifing off. I pull back just before her death. My energy has returned full force. However the tug is still there. I want more. I can never get enough. It tugs at my sanity, my thin fibres of sanity. I push the body aside. The bouncer knows what to do. She will never be seen again. Harlots tend to vanish. Nothing will be suspected. I rise and head to another seperate part of my dark little secret. Perfect. Dark. I always wear dark clothing. The darkness accentuates everything that is great about me. Deep blue eyes, blonde hair That is what defines me. Devilish good looks, Darkness.

Hour 7, tick tick..

Im starting to realize what this is turning into. If you havn't guessed, the main character is a vampire. Based off several concepts ive had in the past. Its kinda Anne Rice meets final fantasy 7. The main character bears a resemblance to cloud slightly. His style is defined in that dark, mysterious way. Ive got a few suprises instore coming up. Im exploring what exact theme ive got flowing. Ive pretty much pinned it down and boy does it rock. If this comes out as intended it will be wicked.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 05 Jan 2006 03:51 
7 Hours, tick tick. In the usual fashion I embrace the mammoth oak door. I can feel the heat all around my body. The sex thrusting into my nose, making me drowsy. The blood helps. I want to be myself. I observe. I watch. I walk over to the bar and plunk a $10 bill down. Asking for something cold and hard. I retrieve the drink and walk away. Spotting a table in the corner I quickly make my way towards it. Smacking my glass down on the table I slowly lower myself into the chair. Taking my sweet, limited time. I just sit there, observing. Drinking in the atmosphere through my eyes. Vampire bars are unique places. The faithful flock here. Sporting their fake dental fangs and built tolerances for blood. The club is immensly hot. People are packed wall to wall. Grinding against each other. Loud techno music is blaring, strobe lights galore. Wall to wall drugs. Cocaine, Ecstacy you name it. No such drugs affect me. I just sit in my dark corner, observing, waiting.

6 Hours, tick tick. Time is getting near. I decide to withdraw myself from the table. I hurry towards the exit, shoving the pathetic worms aside. My loft shall be the best place to seek refuge, won't you join me? We have so many things to talk about before the hour dawns. You probably wan't to know my story. Ive got so many things to tell and so little time. Follow me. Its not far from here.

My loft is a large place. Full of treasures ive acquired over the centuries. Where to begin? Its always hard choosing a point to discuss first. Lets be logical and start at the begining. I was born in Etruia, which is now italy. The year would have been about 2500 years ago. Before most of civilization existed. Before your jesus and your gods, I was there. I was born to a small peasant family. We never had much but we got by. My father was an artist. Always fashioning a new pot or sculpture. My childhood was uneventful. Quite typical. I was set to follow in my father's footsteps. Inhereting the family business and carrying on his work. Around the age of 21, plans changed. On my way home from the shop a strange cloaked figure followed me. Staying far behind me, slinking through the trees. I had no idea who this fellow was but i just ignored him. This happened on and off for a few months. I never knew what to make of it. One night I got tired of it and approached the man, demanding him to remove his hood. He just stood there until I gripped his arm to reaffirm my point. He felt stiff, cold. Something wasn't right. Within an instant he had risen his other hand and struck me in the chest. I flew back cracking into a tree and tumbling to the ground. He was then right by my side in an instant. He said he had a choice for me. Life or death. I choose life. He then picked me up above his head, drew me close and clamped down on my neck. My mind spun. My energy diminished. My limbs drained and became weaker. Just before the point where I would have slipped into unconciousness, he dropped me.

Where has the time gone?

5 hours, tick tick

This is coming out quite interestingly. Im actually putting alot of thought behind this. However after the countdown is done i don't think ill continue this short story format. I prefer to explore things without nessicarily a character, or atleast developing the character. I like the concept to be front and foremost. The characters are there to tell a story. With a character of this magnitude i almost need to go on for thousands of words to fully explore the background, then tackle what im trying to convey. This is exciting though. Ive got alot planned for the conclusion, look back here frequently. This will end on friday.

 Post subject:
PostPosted: 06 Jan 2006 05:11 
got hooked into ff7, almost 4:30.. no chapter tonight.

i will say i am extremely looking forward to monday, back to school. we have had a 3 week break and it drives me f- nuts. what did i do? nothing productive. i changed my clock around so i sleep during half the day and am awake half the night, i downloaded a ton of games, i played playstation constantly, i hung out with a few friends. sounds fine and dandy, except i always like that pressure. something is always due, something is always going on, i get to hang out with my friends daily. although its been fun playing wow with my friends.

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