Xentales

I thought i'd try this because to be honest, i have absolutely nothing else to do, so i'm just gona type to amuse myself, feel free to read...it's just basically gonna be exactly whats in my head..written in a journal..sounds fun to me!!

Hmmm A LOT has been going on in the love life lately! I've been with my girl for 6months but I told her last night that I want a break and I wont get back with her until she sets her priorities straight and she decides what she wants..

She was away for two weeks, and in those two weeks a lot happened to make me question my relationship and stuff. I got to know a few girls, i'm not the cheating type, far from it, but the feeling of being single again made things tempting, but I wouldn't lower myself to cheating.

One girl, Hope, is pretty damn hot, funny, good personality and all of that stuff, but girls always seem like that when you first meet them, I want to see how things go when the novelty of knowing her wears off! She lives three hours away from me but was crying the other day because she couldn't see me and stuff, I don't even know how I made this impact on her. The next day I get a text saying that she has booked a hotel and is coming down to see me, damn thats gona be interesting.

Next comes "Beff" as she is known. Met up with her on friday, again hot and funny, where can I go wrong there? Oh yeah, theres already two other girls in my life, I don't need another, but she seems to have just walked on in and taken her place in my love life...Damn..stuff is so f-, but meh, im just 16, name me another 16 year old boy apart from Kaz who wouldn't want three hot girls in love with him..

While I was out with Beff, another girl I know, Georgia, comes up to me saying we need to talk. I go off with her quickly, and it ends up with her trying to kiss me..I backed off, she started crying and stuff, what makes it worse is that my best friend is in love with her!! She then went and told her boyfriend that i tried it with her, but meh..it's all fun and games.

Thats the current situation on the love front, pretty boring imo..

Damn, I just typed out another load of stuff, then accidently clicked back..I can't even remember what I put! Basically, it was about me going back to school on wednesday..It should be alright, it's better than me either going out and being bored, or sitting on my arse being bored, so no complaints I guess. I get to see some people I haven't seen in the past two months too. I need to go and see one of my old teachers (my form tutor infact) he is 37 years old, has two little girls, and had a heart attack while we were on holiday..How unexpected..It's not like he's fat or anything, or unhealthy, he used to play a lot of football and stuff...I was shocked to say the least. It proves, life is too short and it does bring a lot of unexpected stuff, but if I was to say, live every day as your last and then take my own advice, it wouldn't happen. My last day, I don't have a clue what i'd do, hang with friends or family..or my girl? It just wouldn't happen, i'd rather just enjoy my life and not wake up worrying about death. But having diabetes kinda makes me think about death, and consequence of actions more than others. I hate people reminding me I have it.."Should you be doing this? Should you be eating it?" SHUT UP, if I couldn't be doing it I f- wouldn't be! And if I couldn't eat it, do you think I would have just munched it? Some people just don't make sense, but I guess they are just worried..

Bored of typing now, and if anybody just read all of that, you have too much time on your hands, peace out.

Added after 27 minutes:

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of seeing me before:

Some of this is absolutely cringe worthy but the memories are brilliant! Being 16 and wanting to f- everything like an excited dog was the best time of my life! Things change so much. "Beff" as I called her, turned out to be a girl I eventually ended up being with for 4 years and still love to this day. Lisa and I broke up in 2008 and she went on to move to Turkey to work with children. Most of the friends I had then are gone, with the last couple either now getting married or leaving for university.

For anybody who has actually read this, or will read it, Georgia (who tried to kiss me) is now engaged to my best friend who I mentioned back in one of my posts! He finally managed to convince her he was the one, they are getting married next year and i've been asked to be the best man. Can't wait!

As for me, college was ok, I passed it all but it was a waste of time with the career path I chose. A big thing i've taken from this post is ultimately - people don't change. I was 16 when I wrote these posts, i'm now 23. As much as the posts were written badly and with huge amounts of immaturity, the way I act and think are pretty much the same now as they were then. Most important of all, memories are the best! Writing these things aren't only a way to vent for me, but a way for me to look back in a couple of years and say "f- yes, that was so fun!" or even take some advice from my previous self.

I'll look to throw in some more entries here every so often. I don't expect anybody to actually read this or care about it, but it's more an investment for my future self!

Peace.

The massive traffic on the forum makes this totally worthwhile...NAAAAAAAT. Since my last post, and realising I was a massive douche, I have had the news that I am going to be a father. Thats right, I am going to be in charge of a little person. Wow. "Beff" is still ruler. I am going to be a Dad, i'm in the process of buying a house, but ultimately that is where my heart lies, and it kills me every day. I have a duty now and that is what I will forfil, but it's shit. I know barely anybody reads this, but if you are going through shit as I did through this journal...just be careful. I have so many regrets. I've had good times, but regret a lot. Stuff has a way of working itself out, but make sure you are in control of your decisions, not somebody else.

I know it's not what you wanted mate, but I promise, the first time you hold that kid your heart will melt.

I always look at what people write on the internet about their lives and say to myself... Would I want my kids to see this? If not don't put it there. How would you feel if your father was writing that about you when your mom was pregnant. Think about it... Sure this is basically a dead forum but you never know. It blows me away what I see on Facebook etc.. I just don't get it.

_________________

I've been able to write on this journal since 2006, I was 16. I am now 25 years old. For me, this place was somewhere to write and then go back and read. Each time I come back and read I smile. Even if I cringe, think "WTF was I thinking?!", whatever, I smile. I miss being 16, I miss being 18, I miss not having to pay a mortgage, f- I even miss times before I was a Dad. That's only half the story, however. Since my daughter was born it has changed shit completely. She is by far the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love being a Dad. She is now over 8 months old and there is not a day goes by that I am not thankful for how my stars aligned. My daughter is THE BEST thing to ever happen to me, Kiel will back this up (if he ever reads XT anymore).

These posts aren't made for my child (who, you know as well as I, will never read a XT post). They were written for me. So I could go back at random times in my life and go...wow I miss 2006!

And, to answer your question on if i'd want my daughter to see this. I honestly wouldn't mind. Try and find another 24 year old who didn't shit theirself when they found out they were going to be a Dad. Try and find another 16 year old (me in 06) who didn't have girl troubles. If my daughter read all this i'd hope she would learn from stuff I did. But, as you said, you don't get it, and I highly suspect you ever will.

Until next time!

My daughter has my heart mate! You've seen that. Also, i'm not going to post this on FB but your recent post on there took me by surprise to say the least but I have to say I admire you hugely, I don't think I need to say much else than that!

A random post for others who have read over the years (how weird is that?) "Beff" still messages me from time to time to meet up and so on, but I've realllllly moved on since then. I'm genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time. Same goes for Lisa who I've posted about previously. People seem to be stuck in the past. As much as I care for them both, time waits for nobody.

I lost my first family member recently. My Dad's mum. I wasn't as close to her as i'd like to be, and it was both of our fault. Since having my daughter we saw her a lot more and I started to really learn a lot about her. I last saw her 26th December. Late January she was diagnosed with cancer and around the start of February she died. I was having an eye test in the hospital and I received a call to say she had passed away. It was strange for me because, not only was it fast, she was only one ward away from me and I was seeing her after my eye test. I'm very bitter. Bitter I couldn't make the most of her and ultimately bitter that my daughter won't remember her. She was northern Irish and full of stories. She was a good woman and I know a lot of her is in me right now. How I act and how I view things is how she views things, and I'm thankful for that.

As long as this site is accessible I will read this journal. It has been something i've thrown pieces of myself into for almost TEN years! Unbelievable.

So, my last post touched on my Grandmother's death. It's still slightly a touchy subject for me. I was just talking about her today! I always speak positively of her, but one thing that will always get me is that my Daughter won't get the opportunity to remember her. I wouldn't mind what the memory was, but if my daughter could remember her it would mean the world! I guess that's just how life goes, it's cruel, and it's often short.

On a brighter note, but still on my daughter, she is almost 11 months old now. I said in an earlier post that time waits for no one, and that statement is certainly true. She is almost walking, she's saying a few words, and SHE IS MY WORLD! I absolutely love being a Dad, especially her Dad! It's so weird reading back almost 10 years, seeing the dilemmas I had then, compared to now. It makes me happy that I was so naive, and i'm sure to some people, I probably still am naive.

I had a weird case of nostalgia tonight. I checked out the forums again, as well as xenimus.com forums. I really miss the old Xen. The sense of community. There was no other game where I knew most people on a first name basis. Shit, even at work I don't think I know everyone's first name! Xenimus was introduced to me back at the end of December, 2002. 13 years ago almost. That's a scary thought.

Hopefully I'll post here again

As long as this site is accessible I will read this journal. It has been something i've thrown pieces of myself into for almost TEN years! Unbelievable.

So, my last post touched on my Grandmother's death. It's still slightly a touchy subject for me. I was just talking about her today! I always speak positively of her, but one thing that will always get me is that my Daughter won't get the opportunity to remember her. I wouldn't mind what the memory was, but if my daughter could remember her it would mean the world! I guess that's just how life goes, it's cruel, and it's often short.

On a brighter note, but still on my daughter, she is almost 11 months old now. I said in an earlier post that time waits for no one, and that statement is certainly true. She is almost walking, she's saying a few words, and SHE IS MY WORLD! I absolutely love being a Dad, especially her Dad! It's so weird reading back almost 10 years, seeing the dilemmas I had then, compared to now. It makes me happy that I was so naive, and i'm sure to some people, I probably still am naive.

I had a weird case of nostalgia tonight. I checked out the forums again, as well as xenimus.com forums. I really miss the old Xen. The sense of community. There was no other game where I knew most people on a first name basis. Shit, even at work I don't think I know everyone's first name! Xenimus was introduced to me back at the end of December, 2002. 13 years ago almost. That's a scary thought.

Hopefully I'll post here again

Happy 2016! Yep, we are almost into March already...WTF?!

Anyway, i'm back, for at least one more post. As always, not only for you guys, but for the future me. I look at the traffic on the forum and I assume that I'm the only one reading this!

So, my last post commented about my Grandmother passing away and my little girl. Well, this week marked 1 year since my Nan passed away. We all met up for a family dinner..Sounds OK, right? Wrong. My family do NOT get on. Swiftly the subject turned to whether or not there is an afterlife. With my Uncle, literally, sticking his middle fingers up the the sky and screaming "f- GOD", and my Aunt slamming her fists on the table in protest, and claiming she had spoken to my Grandmother since she had died, I was out of there. It was all too much for me! People are crazy, especially my own family.

Anyway, I have some news. In September I got engaged to my soon to be Wife. Planning is going well. We are due to marry in June, this year. I'm looking forward to the day! Though, in my head, things day to day won't change just because i'm married. We have our daughter, we have a house we've bought, our car, our pets, nothing material changes. I guess with her name change, it makes us "more of a family" on paper. We will all have the same last name, so that will be sweet.

I guess the next time I post, I'll be a married man! After everything i've posted previously, this is the full circle. Strange, eh? Feels like the end, but not in a bad way! 2003 I first posted here. Life doesn't stop. If anything, it seems to be speeding up!

I'm a Dad, a soon to be Husband, and I'm happy!

Take care folks

I'm reading

Sounds like your family is oldschool xentales with that kind of argument lol

Congratulations to you and the future Mrs. You

It's always odd for me to look at the people i've known since we were kids, they're all working, jobs, families...and here's me with a facebook full of pictures of my dog.

Totally worth it!

Well, at least someone other than me is reading! This place feels dead..which, when I think too much about it, is quite sad.

Anyway, dog pictures aside, you have your own achievements and accomplishments. You've won tougher battles than many of us will ever face

My family is exactly like the oldschool Xentales! They can be an absolute chore at times..it's always been the way unfortunately.

I'm a married man. My daughter is 2. Where the f- has the time gone? I'm 27 in January! Time is a scary thing.

My prediction was right, nothing at all has changed since being married. That is absolutely fine by me! Why should it change? We had our family unit, nothing needed to change.

I've experienced big nostalgia with Pokemon Go recently haha! It's also got me thinking about Xen..that is definitely not good! I'm half tempted to check out 2.0....someone save me?

Yooo.

So we are at the end of 2016. This has been a wicked year for me. My daughter has blossomed..I got married and I also found out I am going to be a Dad AGAIN! This time we are told we are due to have a boy. I really, really can't wait. He will complete our family. My daughter makes me proud beyond belief and she is really excited about becoming a big sister.

Looking back at some old posts, I guess I have some updates. My friend, Joel, who I was best man for... Is now divorced! Turns out Georgia, his wife (or ex), from alllll those years ago really wasn't the one. It lasted a year and a half or so..it's a bit of a shame really, i'm friends with them both! I guess that's the way it goes sometimes.

Anyway, shit for me is going well. The little one is good, one on the way, married life is the same as unmarried life! I have the opportunity to move to Northern Ireland with work. It's very, very tempting. I'll let you know what happens. By you, I mean Kay. Nobody else reads!

Still here, still reading. Your daughter is beautiful. Happy new year buddy.

Still here, still reading, for how long now? Are you still playing Xen?! Or looking to download 2.0? Happy new year

My boy is due in like 5 weeks time. Absolutely can not wait! Honestly, he can't come soon enough. I love being a Dad and if he is anything like his sister then he is going to do me proud. I'll obviously keep you..Kay..updated with how stuff goes!

I turned 27 a few days back. It's a bit weird..It feels like.....22-27 has absolutely flown by. Funnily enough, I met my wife when I was 22. It seems like I met her yesterday. I always think about the past...Before her, and when I met her. That's why this journal has always served a purpose to me over the years. It's nice to see what I was thinking in different stages of my life...I'm sure i've written something very similar before. During the 4.5 years since I met my wife I got a new job, bought a new house, had a kid and another on the way, got married, traveled to multiple destinations around Europe. It's been a good few years. Without divulging too much, there will always be a small part of me that is...black? dead? I'm not sure. There comes a time when you give someone everything and then they exit your life..that part of you is gone. It's sad, and something i've thought a lot about lately. But...Overall I am genuinely so happy with how everything has turned out.

Some pretty sad news reached me recently, however. My Mum's Mum received the news that she had cancer..Pretty much everywhere, namely brain/spine/lungs. I have a lot of memories of her between the ages of 4 or 5-13. After that, we weren't close at all. No particular reason, that's just how it went. My Grandad is pretty much a recluse and this holds her back..She cares for him more than herself. It's a weird one for me..I always get angry about these sort of things. I lost my Dad's Mum a couple of years ago with the exact same thing, and I posted my frustrations. I made a point to have a drink with my Nan this Christmas, and i'll be honest, it made things worse for me. When shes alone and I speak to her one on one she is so down to earth and level headed. I'll be sure to make the most of the time we have left. Shes a good woman. It makes it harder that my Mum is extremely close to her Mum..so she is struggling. Let's see what happens. It's a case of when, not if. I know when I read this post back in the future, she won't be here..Weird feeling..

Also, 2017 marks 14 years since I first tried Xenimus. 1...4...14....years...f-!!

So, at the end of the last post I noted that the next time I read this post, my Nan would no longer be alive. That, unfortunately, is the case. She passed away in March. Luckily, if there is any luck in such a situation, she met my son. My son was safely delivered on Feb 17th and he has managed to bring so much light to our lives, especially around such a dark time. In my Nan's own words "one in, one out". She was strangely accepting of death. I believe everybody stepped on egg shells around her. Not me, though. I didn't want her to pass away with me not having been open and honest with her. I sat and spoke to her about her life, her cancer, and what was impending. She appreciated it. She made a point of saying so. When she met my son she was approaching end of life, but was still mentally in control of everything. Physically, maybe not so. Within a few days of meeting my son she passed away. I think she was ready. I asked her what she thought of the situation.. I'm not sure why I asked it, I don't even know how I could expect somebody to answer the question. She was so calm in her answer.."That's life.. I've lived a great life..I have children, grandchildren, I have few regrets, i'm happy". I don't know if that was what she totally felt about the situation, but I hope it was. She was 69 when she was diagnosed, and 70 when she passed away. In my opinion she was robbed, in hers she had led a good life.

I obviously think about her fairly frequently, and as with most things, I look back with regret. Arguably my best times with my Nan were from when she was diagnosed. I guess we both realized how short life was..I really wish I had made more of our relationship in the years we had previously. As with most things, hind sight is a bitch. As common as something as cancer is, you never expect it to hit you so close to home. Unfortunately for me it's hit my family twice in just a few years. If anybody ever reads this, and takes anything from my rambling, just try to appreciate a loved one. Life is fragile.

As I mentioned earlier in the post, my Wife delivered our son. He's now 4 months old and I couldn't be happier. My Daughter is great with him and they both give me a purpose. My daughter turns 3 on Tuesday, time has absolutely flown. I remember the fear when I first found out I was going to be a Dad. I am so proud of how we all turned out. My wife, my daughter, and especially me. I am besotted with my children and they have helped turn me into the man I am today.

I hope you're all well and enjoying life, and I really hope even one person takes something from my posts. I imagine the person who most takes something from my posts will be me! And i'm ok with that.

Isn't it weird how you always seem to have an urge to play Xenimus again? I've not played a PC game for years, but lately i'm tempted to try X2. Someone help me? I must be mentally unstable! I remember growing up, seeing people say Xenimus is a drug. I guess this is testament to that!

So today we bought a new car, that's pretty cool I guess! It's a car i've wanted for the past few years. It's nice to work hard, and achieve a goal. Albeit a small one in the grand scheme of things. Progression is something I always keep a mental note of. Lately, i've been thinking about the "physical" me. My life, my health, so on. I play football (as I posted back in 2006 or 7, ball+foot=football) every single week competitively. I also try to work out during the week but it's difficult with two kids, as well as work. This is now something I am going to work on..I've made a promise to myself, I am going to work to achieve some physical goals. I run, but i'm inconsistent, I work out, but i'm inconsistent. See the pattern here? I need to get back in the habit of trying to keep as healthy as possible! I always seem to dip in and out of hobbies, so it's difficult for me to maintain being dedicated to exercise. Unfortunately, that's who I am. I feel lately like I need to force a change, and that's my plan from today. Hopefully I read this back in a few months and can say I've been a success.

Life is good. The kids are great. They change every day, they make me proud every day and they really keep me on my toes. I've been reading back my posts lately and funnily enough "Beff" has been on my mind a bit lately. Not sure why, I guess it's just the way the mind works. I'm not thinking anything of it, it's just a bit strange! It's just one of those things I can't control I suppose. What makes it weirder is that i'm in a great place, in every sense? There's literally no reason to even think of my past, but it's something I can't help. I don't really imagine it's something i'll ever stop thinking about. I've not been with her for 5 years. It's a long time. The mind and heart is a strange thing I suppose. Reading back on my past experiences, even going back to some of my first posts, it's fairly clear i'm over emotional and too involved with feelings when it comes to my love life. I'll take it with a pinch of salt, however it is nice to actually get it off of my chest in some form. Let's hope I can look back in the near future and laugh this post off!

Not sure there's much else to put in. I'm such a "normal" guy that, other than work/wife/kids, not a great deal happens. I dunno if that's a good thing or not, you tell me! (Kay, I don't think anyone else reads)

Anyway, i'm sure i'll update soon, why wouldn't I? I've been consistent for near on 11 years now. How crazy is that?

So.. Here's the first post in the journal forum this year.. It's July haha. Isn't it a shame how Xentales died out? Such a thriving community full of different people. I hope you are all doing great, although I suspect nobody reads (as I always suspect in every post I make!). I do appreciate the forums still being accessible. It's always great to read back things over the years.

There's really not much new to report for me. I'm pretty settled in my job. My kids are doing great. My daughter has just turned 4 and my son is basically 18 months old. It's f- tiring, but expenentionally rewarding.

It's funny. Other than the nativity, I'm pretty much exactly the same person I was back when I posted my first post. I'm grateful to myself for writing because we can just lose ourselves, can't we? I can barely remember last week, let alone 2006.

I do always wonder if the feeling of "there has to be something more" will ever subside. Its a weird feeling I've had for a long time. I probably seem super selfish as my life is great. I agree. I am probably selfish. It's just a feeling I can't control, however. I said in a previous post that I think a part of me will always be "dark" and I guess that's the best I can probably explain it. I don't ever wish I took a different path as my kids are my absolute world.. It's just hard to accept the way some things turned out, even after such a long time. I'm not sure it's something I'll ever accept, probably not. It's a shame, isn't it? We get one roll of the dice and people like me plod through life with regrets.. I think I've done my best over the years to just.. Forget? Mask things? I'm not sure.

It's funny. I seem really negative but I am so content. I hope that feeling continues.

Hope you are all doing great and if the site is still up I'll speak to you again soon!

Great.. I'm the last post here..... July 2018 haha.

Well, happy new year to the 2 people who look here. I hope 2019 is healthy and interesting.

Personally, for this year, I'd love to get shit straight. My last year in my 20s, you know? I still feel like a god damn kid at heart. Then you hear people talk about being 30 and I remember I'm old haha! I know I've said it multiple times here but I started here so young.. I was 13 when I picked up Xen. I now have an actual life, it's crazy.

So currently - an old friend of mine passed away in December. His name was Dan. 27 years old. Brain tumour. Makes you realise - right? Waste of a f- life.. Makes me want to live mine more, and I will. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure how this is going to pan out but it's time to change some stuff.