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|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 18 Jan 2007 22:59 ]|
<center>nos vobis lacrimat, filius patris</center>
It's freezing outside. It's warm and comfortable inside. But we cannot stay inside forever, although we could, we have a need to go out into the cold, if for no other reason than the cold itself. When we step outside, we immediately feel the temperature drop and instantly know we've stepped out. We know we should have stayed inside, but we walk further out, further into the cold. The cold felt different, but it doesn't bother us at first, we're still warm from being inside. But the cold slowly seeps to our core. Once it mobilizes our insides, we begin to shiver. The shiver reminds us of why we shouldn't have left shelter, we fear our departure. But we continue deeper into the cold any way. After a short time of shivering, we grow used to the cold and stabilize. We're still cold, but we're growing accustom. We continue walking, and become colder the farther we walk. Eventually we'll become as cold as the company we keep. Part at a time, we go numb. We stop feeling the cold all together. There is no wind, the cold is stale, we forget we're in the cold at all. They say when you go numb, when you stop feeling the cold, when you become silent, when you stop defending yourself -- when you stop trying -- that's where death lurks.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 20 Jan 2007 20:26 ]|
<center>dragging my face through broken glass,
I won't go without a trace</center>
I was talking to a friend at work today, and I realized something about myself that I didn't know before. I guess I always knew it, but it sort of sunk in after something he said. I guess it's one of those subconscious things where you see it every day and you know it's there, but you just don't trust yourself. You think you're eyes are tainted, and you don't really know what you're talking about. But then somebody else says something and it dawns on you, and you realize exactly what you've been trying so hard to not believe. Hell, even now, I can't say aloud or even type out what I'm talking about, be it because I'm afraid saying it aloud somehow makes it worse, or more likely I'm still don't really believe it, and by writing it here I'd be making it true. It's not even anything important, but still it's been eating at me all day. It'll pass though, it always passes. I'll be very busy next week, so it'll pass quickly. Everything passes.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 23 Jan 2007 19:44 ]|
|Post subject:||f- it all|
<center>f- it all and no regrets</center>
God damn pissed off, tired, and wanna just rip somebody's spleen out. The workday just doesn't end sometimes. Last week there was an ice storm so we missed the first 2 and a half days of classes. I've been trying to catch up ever since. Yesterday was studying, working, or in class from 7am-6:30pm, had to wake up at 5:30 to get to campus at 7. Today, 7am-5:40, just got home. Have a shitload of stuff to do still, gotta prepare for stuff thursday, but tomorrow is another 7-6:30 day, so not much time. I had to stop by the grocery store to get bread, mustard, and milk on my way home, they had candy bars on sale 4/88 cents so I got 4 of those. f- clerk put the milk on top of the candy bars and the bread. f- idiot. Then after he scanned and bagged it all he asked me if I needed razor blades? WHAT THE f-?! I'M JUST TIRED YOU STUPID f-. Ugh, I dunno, I need to shave maybe thats why he asked. Thats still a weird thing to ask....ya know, he did scan everything funny, gathered everything together first, then scanned it really fast like he was racing....himself or something....I wonder if he was retarded...oh f- that, retarded or not he's still a f- asshole.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 25 Jan 2007 23:13 ]|
|Post subject:||deeply confused|
I didn't care much for school when I was younger. I hated having to go, I hated having to do what they wanted me to, I hated being herded around all day for no reason, most of all, I hated having to sit in the cafeteria at lunch, during assemblies, and before class started. I didn't not hate many of the people there, and I didn't care for any of them. When I was in jr. high, they called it jr. high instead of middle school because we had an additional middle school for 5th/6th graders because the elementary school kids were getting beat up, so they had to move the 5/6ers away to save the kindergardeners. When I was in jr. high, I used to sit with some kids at lunch I didn't particularly like. They were stupid, but that didn't bug me, what bothered me was that they were perverted as hell. Every day they'd spend the entire time talking about how they're going to run a porn business with each other, and they'd talk about all the girls they'd f- and all these disgusting things they'd do. I've never liked to hear that stuff, and I sure as hell won't ever join in on it. But everybody was like this at that time, made it so I didn't want in...on anything. I just wanted stand in the background and disappear. I'd have rather stood outside in the cold during lunch, but the doors were always guarded. So I'd mostly be silent while they crapped from their mouths. But they couldn't let me be...never can...unless I didn't want them to. So since I didn't join in the conversation, they came up with my contribution for me. They decided my job would be to eat out all the fat chicks they kicked. I really grew to hate these guys.
I've been going to school here for about 2 years now. The building most of my good classes are held is also where I do all my studying, and I work there too, so it's like a second home to me...or a fourth or fifth, depending on how we wanna count homes. I use the restroom there a lot. Every day since I started school here I've used the same stall and seen written on the toilet paper dispenser "dEEPLy cONFusEd". I always read it with a grain of salt. Had no idea why it was written, didn't much care. I never really wondered what they meant, but now I wonder quite a bit. I was talking to a guy I work with who's come from India (not uncommon, there's probably 10x more of these guys here than there are of me, the 'majority'). He came to the US recently and was telling me about some of the things he was having trouble getting used to. He still has a really thick accent, so things came out a little weirder than he meant, but basically first he convinced me the water fountain in the hall is actually a toilet. Basically he's used to toilets that squirt water into your "ass" (a direct quote there). He said when he first used a bathroom here he couldn't find the button or whatever to clean his ass. He wasn't used to using toilet paper at all, said it was weird and that it just didn't feel as clean. I've never squirted water in my ass, and I don't care much for talking about cleaning the shit out of it, especially while we're at work and I'm trying to keep my dignity. But I realized that's probably why the guy was "dEEPLy cONFusEd". It makes me wonder how long that guy was sitting in that stall by himself there trying to figure out what to do. Searching all over for some way to fire water into his bum to clean up so he can get back to whatever the f- important stuff he was up to. Staring and staring at that roll of paper on the wall, no clue why it was there when he walked in. He realizes what it's probably for now, but he just can't figure out how to do it...how do you reach to clean it? What's the best way to go about it? Putting your hand in your ass is kind of disgusting, why do we do this? People walking in and out without a word, and the poor sap is still sitting there, just trying to figure out how to clean up. But why does he have so much trouble? I don't remember not knowing how to wipe -- I don't remember learning, that's for sure. Had I never learned, I wouldn't remember that even. For all I know, I could still not know how to do it right, perhaps I do it completely wrong, I'd never know.
I recently heard that one of the guys from that circle jerk ring was in a bad car accident about a year ago. He was run into a ditch or something by some asshole driver while on his way home from college for the weekend. His car flipped and totalled and the guy ended up in what was, from what I can tell from the pictures I saw, a nearly full body caste. Had to drop all his classes part way through the semester, lost the $ from tuition and set him back a full year. As much as I hated the guy, seems like I'd be happy, maybe not happy, but at least get a little satisfaction. But I don't, I want to, but I don't. I have a little sympathy for the guy -- he was in a rough situation already, having to take out loans right from the start to pay for school, now it's loads worse. I feel sorry for him, but I don't want to. I hate that. I wish I had better control of my thoughts...psh...wish I had any control.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 05 Feb 2007 21:54 ]|
|Post subject:||he who trips most,|
<center>he who trips most,
Had a bad day at work. Something happened that really shouldn't have happened, and I just can't believe it. I always use my best judgement, and I wouldn't change a thing I did today if I could go back and do it over again, but I can't stand the outcome. I still can't believe it unfolded like it did, just don't know...maybe I should have done something a little different, I just don't know for sure sometimes. It's not really a big deal what happened, I was shown a small fault of mine which I can easily correct now that I've identified the problem, but I guess it's just the shock of it all. Sometimes you see the clouds overhead and know there's a storm coming, but sometimes you look straight into the headlights and don't expect a thing. I'm refraining from any details because I fear the possibility that my students see this and somehow know who I am. Some things just aren't for their eyes to see.
On a lighter note, my roommate decided to join the marines. He spoke of this before but I thought he was joking around, found out yesterday that he dropped all of his classes, about 3 weeks ago at that. He's left for home to "self-train" for 6 months before he goes into boot camp. Self-train sounds like bullshit to me, speaking of which (bullshit that is), he also thinks he's going to self-study while in Iraq and that our university is going to give him a degree for it in a few years. Don't know where he got that crap from, but it sure as hell isn't gonna happen. Oh well, he's gone, that's good enough for me, for the time being. So now I have this whole 2 bedroom, 1400 sq ft house to myself, all alone.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 05 Feb 2007 22:04 ]|
They just cancelled my car insurance. They haven't been sending me my bill, but they've been sending notice of cancellations every month because of nonpayment. It's hard for me to pay my bill when they don't bill me. They're really good about sending me the notice of cancellations, but never the bill. I did make the payments though, immediately every time I got those notices, and the reps I talked to all insured me everything was ok, but now I get a letter saying they're cancelled my insurance because of too many late payments. I can't believe it. My older brother didn't pay his car insurance for 4 months and when he called and talked to them about it, they ended up lowering his monthly bill by about 40%. They don't even send me my bill, and then they cancel me, the same people. I just wanna crawl into a corner in my closet and cry for a few weeks.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 07 Feb 2007 23:11 ]|
|Post subject:||can't lose control|
<center>CAN'T LOSE CONTROL</center>
I got Lucky today. I'm excited. I'm going to wait until the weekend though. Busy lately, although I can always make time, I prefer to enjoy the excitement while I can. I figure it'll be much worse than I'd care to believe, so this way I'll have a few days of anticipation. I figure that's the best part any way, everything else is mostly disappointment, be it because it wasn't as good as we hoped, or because once it's over...there's nothing.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 12 Feb 2007 23:16 ]|
|Post subject:||So much blood|
<center>So much Blood
for such a tiny little hole...</center>
My computer stops working. Starts making weird noises and beeping and what not. Can't figure out whats wrong. I get frustrated, drop my pants, and take a huge dump on it. A nasty one, all over the top. Looks disgusting. I box it up, covered in crap, and drive to this computer repair shop near my house. I take in the box, plop it on the counter, and tell the guy I need it fixed. With a look of discomfort on his face, he asks "What seems to be the problem?" With a straight face, as I open the box, I say "I just can't figure out what's wrong with it."
"Oh...that? That was there when I bought it..."
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 27 May 2007 00:41 ]|
|Post subject:||Say Goodbye On A Night Like This|
It's nights like these I can't stand. They send me out here alone miles and miles away to represent us all. It's nights like these that make me wonder. Wonder what I'm doing. Wonder where I'm going. Wonder where I'm trying to go. Wonder where I'll be. I don't like to think about the future, but there's nothing here and I can't help it. Its nights like these that make me think. Think about all the dreams I never had. The dreams I wanted to have. I think about the dreams I could still have, and whether or not I should even bother. I can't even come up with a dream to strive for, what are the odds I would acheive it, if I could even build one? Building is easy, if only it was that easy. I can't dream because I think too much into things...I think. The way I see it, a dream is like a reflection in the water. It can be beautiful, but the smallest pebble can destroy it -- revealing the man behind the curtain. There isn't really anything there, just a hopeful image. Yes, the reflection is of something real, but I don't want that, I want the reflection. I know the image isn't real, it isn't obtain-able. But I want to believe otherwise, I want to believe there's more to it. I don't necessarily want there to be more....I just don't want to know there isn't. Alas, slitting is much greater than having slit.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 16 Jun 2007 01:21 ]|
|Post subject:||often the piece Fits best,|
where it Fits least
My classes have been more relaxed since the summer began, and work's been slow, so I've had a couple extra hours on my hands during the days. I began to read the newspaper, the free one my school puts together. It's basically crap, but then again, isn't all news? The comics are the worst, rediculously horrible. The ads in them from the guy that runs the comics pleading for people to submit decent comics are often more humorous than the comics. I've been reading one of the editor's(?) articles every day. He always has some big advice about life in his articles, about not living too fast and what not, some big picture at the end of them all. Every article I read left me wondering if he was homosexual, and how on earth does he not take loads of crap from everybody for writing such bullshit? Then I read one of his articles today, and it was so...not sure how to describe it...I guess emotional? It was so emotional I was sure the guy had to be a sick child molesting pedophile. As I neared the end of the article, he mentioned his picture with his dog printed above. So my eyes strayed to the picture to see what he looked like. Ironically, it was a picture of him as a child, and he was wearing a dress. I think I'll leave it at that.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 21 Jun 2007 20:10 ]|
So I get a letter in the mail today. My insurance company is threatening to cancel my insurance again. AGAIN. Due to non-payment, AGAIN. So right away I look at my automatic bill pay (my bank account is through the same company as my insurance). And it says the payment was sent, at the right time last month. So I look in my checking account, and see the money was withdrawn, so the payment was sent. Then a few lines up I noticed I had a deposit, for the same amount. Yea, they literally cut a check from my account, made out to me, and sent it to themselves. Then they received this check, the one sent from me to me by them, to them, and deposited it like nothing was odd. Now I've been using this automatic payment for about 4 months now, and haven't changed a thing on it. So how does it work 3-4x and then they just f- it up and want to cancel my insurance, AGAIN? I hope they all die. I hope they all get together for a christmas party one year and the whole place just blows up.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 12 Jul 2007 00:17 ]|
|Post subject:||Re: nws|
There was something really salty.
It was either the bologna or the mayo.
It had to have been the bologna or the mayo.
It couldn't have been the cheese, it must have been the bologna or the mayo.
It was definitely the bologna or the mayo.
I guess it's possible it was the cheese.
It was either the bologna or the mayo....maybe...possibly, not very likely the cheese.
It could have been the cheese.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 18 Jul 2007 19:34 ]|
|Post subject:||if i never saw you again|
I rode the bus home to my apartment after class today. During the summer there's less busses so I have to take the one across the street. It picks up right outside my complex, but the nearest cross walks are half a mile away, so it's not worth going to them, we always cross right in front of it -- there's no sidewalk on the apartment side any way, so it doesn't make much difference. It was somewhat busy, as it usually is when I get home at that time, so I waited for a chance to cross, it came eventually, so I crossed. There was a truck at the crosswalk in the lane farthest from me as I went to cross, so the last lane before I'm off the street. The driver was going too fast, I'm pretty sure, I shouldn't have had a problem crossing. I usually decide to cross or not, then once I do I just walk, I don't look at the traffic any more, and I never run across, maybe it's pride, or maybe I just don't care enough, but I refuse to run for that sort of thing. As I took my first step onto the entrance of my complex, I heard the truck pass behind me and the breeze from it as well. I looked down and the right and saw how close the truck was to me. I half expected to be hit, but I wasn't hit. The truck could have moved over a lane, it's two lanes on each side there, but it didn't. I wonder if I had walked a little slower, would I have been hit. I wonder if I'd have seen that the truck was going to collide with me, and I knew it was not going to slow down, would I have sped up, broken into a jog or a full run? Most of all, I wonder why I didn't pump any adreneline.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 21 Oct 2007 01:01 ]|
|Post subject:||Like we never met|
Occasionally, I have flashbacks. It's fairly rare, but they're usually good. Usually. I had one of those a couple hours ago.
It's not really just a flashback, but I always get a feeling, for half a second or so, I feel like I did at that time. It's sort of
nice, but feels more like a mean trick really. Today's was of a time when I was younger, maybe 8, or 10, perhaps 14, I'm
not that great with years. I was playing a zelda game, and my older brother was with me. This was before I could read,
and zelda had a lot of text boxes. My older brother would read them to me so I would know what to do, because it's hard
to figure that out when you can't read. I think I could read when I was 8, 10, and certainly 14, so this must have been
much sooner. Any way, it felt good. Being in that exact moment again. It was more of a freeze frame of it, not an entire
set or anything. It's always like this. That's why it's good. Everything was much less complicated back in that day. Hell,
my brother read to me even. The frame felt great, but I know I'd never want to go back. Moments were great, but life
then wasn't much different from now. I hate when people say they miss their childhood. They don't miss it, they just
always forget what it really was. Some things were nice about it of course. Back when I didn't have to read. Back when I
didn't know much. Back when I didn't drive, and I slept in the car. Back before the first time I saw Hank. Back when I
didn't have this birthday present all wrapped up not knowing it'll never see the light of day again.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 21 Oct 2007 12:48 ]|
|Post subject:||How high is the sky?|
Twice as far as halfway.
I saw an ad on the television the other day. I can't remember what it was for, some kind of food I think. Yea, it must have
been some sort of food. That's beside the point though. The tag line for it was "You're 3 minutes from heaven." Eh, those
may or may not be the exact words, probably not because my memory blows chickens for quarters, but that was the point
of it any way. All I can think of is, is this a threat?! I realize the intentions are that it's so good you're in heaven blah blah,
but that's not at all how it comes across...to me any way. Seriously, if somebody walked up to me and said "hey ____,
you're 3 minutes from heaven!", I'd probably kick him in the nuts and run. On a side note, I bought some handsoap today, and
just realized handsoap has an expiration date. Who's eating the soap?
I haven't seen any of Satan these past couple days or so -- I'm not sure how long it's been. I bought a pack of
yellow jacket bombs, perhaps they worked. They came in a 3 pack as well. Over one of these past nights, I placed 1 next
to the toilet and another in the shower. I figured they had to have been coming from one of the drains, the only drain I
missed was the sink. I was going to put one in the toilet, but common sense told me that may not be the best idea.
Occasionally, common sense makes a good point. When I got the bug bombs, I probably should have looked for a picture
of Satan on the packages, but that didn't occur to me -- neither of the 2 times I picked out bombs. Instead I read the box
for names of the bugs it would kill. I don't know the real name of Satan, so instead I was just reading the names to see if
it killed a lot of...strong insects? I guess I figured if it can kill a horse, it can kill Satan. I also considered the warnings, I
figured the more they warned humans not to consume it, the more likely it will kill Satan. Unfortunately, they all had
basically the same warning, so this didn't lead me anywhere constructive. I still expect Satan to pop up sometime in the
not too distant future, I figure I haven't done enough for this war to be over, it'd be too easy. Hmm, the bomb packages
warn to remove or tightly cover any food products before bombing. It was just the bathroom, but I guess I should put a
warning on all of my soap in case I have a hungry guest over.
|Author:||2 Left Eyes [ 16 Dec 2017 02:00 ]|
|Post subject:||Re: -1 unread messages|
Sometimes you only realize what an asshole you are when you go back and read your f- up thoughts from years ago.
I may never get to post again, so if anybody still looks at this: Hank's dead. He died about 6 years before I was born.
|Author:||Street Fighter [ 19 Dec 2017 11:15 ]|
|Post subject:||Re: -1 unread messages|
I think we all hit that in our Xenimus lives. Many of us have been at it for close to 2 decades and we've all changed drastically.
Are you okay?
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