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 Post subject: Eat my children
PostPosted: 30 Aug 2006 20:53 
<center>Eat my children
And sell their bones
For drugs

I returned from Alaska a few days ago. It was a nice break from everything else. There's lots of things I could write about from the past two weeks, and my memory is lacking and slow to remember -- I'll just write bits and pieces over the next few days.

My uncle picked me up from the airport and took me to his house. His house looks a little better than when I last saw it. His wife (my aunt) was at work. She works 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off normally, working 17 and 18 hour days for those 2 weeks (kills 'em with the overtime pay). She was supposed to be back home a couple days after I arrived, but the person taking over when she left was being a bastard and a son of a bitch, so she was not able to come home until the day before I boarded a plane leaving. It was strange when she was gone at work. She called my uncle every night at exactly 7:10 pm and talked with him for a while. Apparently he called her every morning at 5am or something, but I was never awake and at the house at that time. They were always happy to talk to each other on the phone and have this perfect relationship. I thought that was odd -- I couldn't believe this could be true. A few days before my aunt was to come home, she called and said she promised her daughter (from a previous marriage) that my uncle would watch her boyfriend's kid while she and her boyfriend went on a trip that my aunt and uncle were supposed to go on, but gave the tickets to my aunt's daughter since my aunt wouldn't be in town. My uncle hates the daughter's guts, hates the boyfriend even more, and hates the son a good deal as well, he's an obnoxious brat, I was lucky enough to meet him and I wanted to kill him even. My aunt got angry with my uncle because he wouldn't watch him that day and he didn't answer the phone that night when she called because of it. It may be a little sick, but I found relief from this. I guess the knowledge that nothing is perfect and nothing lasts is all I truly know about life, so the illusion of my ignorance broke me. When my aunt came back, she drank a good bit and I could tell she was upset and having a hard time. Not just because of the watching the brat thing, but just because my uncle hates both her children and tries to keep them from talking to each other because their little shits that stab his wife in the back over and over again. But on the other hand, they are her children, and it's sad that it has to be that way. On my hand though, I became even more relieved at her turmoil.

My uncle reminds me a lot of myself, except what I keep to myself he freely speaks aloud.

: (
I remember going to alaska...
but I cannot remember these events already...
where do my memories go...

PostPosted: 31 Aug 2006 23:25 
<center>Old hags and why I wear drag</center>

I came to the realization as I flew over the united states that the majority of people that visit Alaska are old farts. The plane consisted of about 95% old farts. Old, old, farts. The entire flight they were lined up at the "lavatory". Can't they hold their liquids (or solids...or a combination thereof...) for 5 minutes?! I had to take a piss about half way through the flight so I stood in line for about half an hour to arrive at the worst stench I've smelled in ages. That smell isn't one you should have to wait in line for. I cut my losses and held it until I arrived at the airport. Shortly after I sat down we hit some turbulence and the plane was shook like mad. The captain put on the seatbelt light and told us all to stay seated. About this time, the old woman sitting in front of the guy across the isle from where I sat turned around and scolded the guy for kicking her chair and started yelling making a scene about it. The dude just starred at her dumbfounded -- he didn't kick shit. A few minutes later her husband (I think) asked how she was doing and she started talking all loud saying it would be better if somebody wasn't kicking her seat. I did everything I could to keep from laughing, and I was doing a good job until the captain came on and reminded everybody that we were hitting turbulence, at which point, I lost it. Although she knew I was laughing at her, she didn't say shit to me, nor did she bitch about her seat being kicked the rest of the flight. About twenty minutes later (still in BAD turbulence), the line of old people at the shitter actually died down some. An old dude crawled out of the toilet (and by how long he was in there and that look on his face, he must have taken one major dump) and began walking toward his seat. The turbulence picked up even more and he damn near took a spill in the isle, at which point a stewardess came on the intercom and said that anybody in the isle (he was the only one) needs to sit down on the floor until it calms down. What's old bastard do? He starts running full speed for his seat, crashing into people left and right all the way. Surprisingly, I was able to hold my laughter at that, but I wanted to laugh soooooo bad! And the line for the can grew back to speed. The captain came on the intercom again telling us that we all need to sit down and put on our seatbelts and stop ignoring him! That warrented a chuckle.

A few days later while in Alaska, my uncle's dog started barking uniformly and my uncle informed me that meant there was a moose. Well I'm a stupid tourist so I wanted to see it so I went to look. Sure enough, there was a moose on the side of the neighbor's house eating off a tree. It didn't care about the dog's barking. So I took out my camera and started taking pictures, first of it's butt as I moved around for a better shot. Out of the front door popped the neighbor (another old hag, couldn't seem to get away from them!). She said "CAN I HELP YOU?!" I just said I'd never seen a moose and wanted to take a few pictures and she responded "THIS IS MY HOME PLEASE LEAVE!" and slammed the door. Eh, I got a picture so I left. A few minutes later, the dog came running with a baby moose chasing it. And following the baby was a pissed off momma. The dog, ignorant as they are at times, ran to my uncle for protection, who in turn ran away faster than the dog. Moose are huge, the baby was my height probably 200 pounds at least, and the momma was about 7 or 8 feet tall and probably weighed 600-800 pounds. So I ran around the out of ground pool figuring the dog might come to me and bring the herd as well, but she didn't. The moose stopped chasing her shortly thereafter and the dog ran inside the house to hide.

On a side note, it's been a long time since I've spoken to Hank and I'm regretting it more each day. I miss him and worry a little as to how he's doing...I'm sure he's still at home and doing as well as always...but I still can't stand this. It can't last much longer...

 Post subject: I see a Daisy
PostPosted: 02 Sep 2006 21:37 
<center>I see a Daisy
I'd kill to make it black

As a new semester approaches, I'm more than aware that I've overscheduled myself once again. I told myself in the midst of last spring that I wouldn't push it again. But alas, I can't not push it, it's just what I do. I haven't collapsed as of yet, and as far as I can see I never will. For the time being, I'm a bit overwhelmed. Next week I expect to be a little more overwhelmed. And the week after that, twice as overwhelmed. But then it will turn and fall the other way. It always does. Nothing can stop me, nothing.

For tonight, I have plans starting soon. I'll switch masks and be somebody else 'til dawn.

"Nothing can stop me" -- one of the few things we have in agreement.

 Post subject: Two Left Eyes
PostPosted: 04 Sep 2006 01:16 
Two Left Eyes

I'm f- pissed off.

Last edited by 2 Left Eyes on 07 Sep 2007 00:10, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Secrets of the World
PostPosted: 10 Oct 2006 22:29 
<center>Secrets of the World</center>

I found myself this morning staring at the gum I spit into the toilet as it spun 'round. I found joy in this action. I spent all day rushing to the bathroom every chance I got just to flush something down. A pen from my bag, a piece of paper, a marker, a bottle cap from the ground, a battery off a table, paper clips and staples from the desk at work. At first I thought it was the spin of the flush that excited me. At an elevenist look, I've decided it's that the mystery of the toilet is too intriguing for me. As the doll leg spins around and disappears, unknown to me where it went, I feel whole.

I forgot all about that flushing thing...man, I miss that. How do I forget these things so fast...
But even more curious, how many of these have I completely lost?

 Post subject: Encaged
PostPosted: 12 Oct 2006 22:07 
<center>Cage of Rage</center>

Long day. Awoke at 6am, 20 minutes for lunch, just finished at nearly 9pm. Busy all day. Most of it tedious and enraging. But it's only because I hate it so much that I love it. Nothing beats praying for the sun to go down.

Just now I heard a song on Pandora I found to be rather funny:

monkey see and monkey do
evolution was never true
all the lies they feed to you
what you see is what you do

I guess the message isn't what I found funny. It's not that I'm so pro evolution that I laugh because of it's stupidity. No, I can be convinced from time to time, but it's the way it was presented that brought laughter upon us. First, "monkey see and monkey do" is just funny in itself, which makes the artist's point fade away. Then there's the point itself, which poses a contradiction to itself. Basically it's saying we've been fed lies and shouldn't believe them, that we do whatever we're told. Yet this song is telling us what to believe, what to do. So do we listen to the song and not listen to the song, or do we just not listen to the song? Sometimes confusion creates the best conclusion.

 Post subject: How do I begin?
PostPosted: 13 Oct 2006 20:31 
<center>How do I begin
When I cannot see the End?

Another day down, another day to come. I hate when people lie. I hate when people lie to cover up their faults. I hate when people lie to make themselves look better. I hate when people blame anything to take the fire off themselves. I hate cowards. I hate people that can't hold their own. I hate people who give up. I hate people who stop trying. I hate careless people.

I pride myself on how great I am at lieing. How great I am at coveting. How great I am at manipulation. How great I am at deception. I pride myself on how well I can detect these traits in those around me. But can God create a rock so heavy that He cannot lift it? I believe I have, and now, I feel a sense of betrayal I can't hide.

PostPosted: 15 Oct 2006 22:18 
<center>maybe...it's all bullshit...</center>

Dreams. Nightmares in particular. I haven't had any in longer than I can remember. I miss them. The recollection of this upon my waking this morning brought me to think about dreams. Not these dreams, but more like MLK's I had a dream blah blah dream. Most people have dreams of some sort. This is generally why people put up with loads of bullshit over and over and over again. Because they hope that one day they can make their dream or dreams come true. I'm jelous of those with multiple dreams. I can't even seem to formulate one dream. Sometimes I wonder why I don't have any dreams. I figure it's probably either because I don't feel desire any more, or perhaps it's because I'm so damn pessimistic that I believe nothing worth acheiving is acheivable and I cannot get past that block to even consider what I dream for. Or maybe I do have dreams, but I just don't realize they are dreams. Or maybe I've lied to myself so much I can't see what's real. But then again isn't this the same as not having a dream? A mirror that doesn't reflect is just a useless slab of glass.

I forgot to answer another question which should arise -- if dreams are what keep people going, then what keeps me going? Right now I think what keeps me going is the dream of attaining a dream. Whether I want a dream or not, I do seem to seek one.

PostPosted: 19 Oct 2006 22:31 
<center>And the moon jumped over the cow</center>

I've recently created a massive habbit of flushing things down the toilet. I figured it wasn't that big of a deal, so long as I didn't try to flush anything (or body) big enough to back it up and flood a building. Honestly, that's the only problem I saw with my dirty little habbit. But apparently, flushing things down the toilet is as bad a habbit as taking drugs. Boss gave everybody on shift at closing a surprise drug test. Who closed today? Coincidentally, just me. Now, I realize I was making frequent trips to the bathroom, but it's not like I was frequently tripping. I only went to the bathroom when it wasn't busy, and I always left a co-worker to watch over the lab while I was gone. Now that I think back on it, I see another problem with the habbit -- they could have been mad at me for stealing, all of those pens and left-behind watches and such from the desk I flushed. Then again, there's a...lack of evidence. Any way, I made my boss accompany me to the restroom and watch me pee in the cup. He resisted, but I insisted. I don't want him coming back with negative results and saying I cheated. I had half a nerve to explain to him why I was going to the bathroom so often. Then my senses came to me, and I figure it's better off he think something that's not true and will prove himself wrong than that he knows I'm addicted to flushing. So the next question comes to mind: was it my boss that noticed I kept running out, or did somebody I worked with tell on me? Or perhaps a student noticed and told somebody. Kind of a prick thing to do. If I noticed somebody had a drug problem, I'd talk directly to them about it, not go off causing trouble. Bah, who the f- am I kidding, I don't care if people are doin drugs, overdosing, or flat out about to jump off a building; I'd just walk along. Oh well, I guess I had this one coming.

 Post subject: Piss on me
PostPosted: 22 Oct 2006 21:13 
<center>Piss on Me
And Light Us on Fire

I went to my hometown this weekend, briefly. Friday I finished work at 5:30pm, then had a meeting right after until 8pm. After that I went to a club to hear a band that played at 11, stuck around until about 2, at which point I decided to drive to my hometown. I arrived at my parents' house around 6am, crashed, and awoke at 10am. I went outside to find my car had been egged. Between the hours of 6am and 10am, my car was egged. Not only does nobody hate me in this city, but I do not even know anybody there, so it's not like a friend woulda done it as a joke even. And I drove home alone. So some piece of shit bastard threw eggs at my car for no fvcking reason. That neighborhood's gone to shit. Filled with a bunch of stupid little fvckers that think they're in gangs. They think everything's a war and we're life is about killing each other before the other kills you. It makes no fvcking sense at all. I don't even wish death on them, I wish much, much worse than death. As much as I hate them, though, I think what they create for themselves is worse than anything I could inflict upon them. It still kills me that they took over my neighborhood though. I guess that's why we flee.

When I drove home today, after getting off the highway, while driving down the street, I went to switch from the middle lane to the left lane, using my blinker as always. I checked my blind spot and began moving over, as my head turned back to the front, there was a person in the street trying to dart across. He had come out from behind a bush in the medean, waiting in the third lane for me to pass so he could dart across the other 2, not noticing my bright blinker. I had to slam on my brakes and swerve to the right. Lucky for my car, I didn't hit him. A cop was nearby and saw the incident. This was not near a crosswalk of any sort, but the office was kind enough to write me a ticket for wreckless driving. Couldn't have thought of a better endind for the weekend myself.

PostPosted: 24 Oct 2006 21:24 
<center>We may as well write it on our heads:
Come and Kill Us Please!

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed. Just seems I was born into the wrong world. Born in the wrong state, the wrong country, the wrong planet, the wrong time. I realize the world wasn't built for me, but it sure seems to be built against me. My kind just isn't welcome here. Or maybe it's not that everything is built against me, but rather I'm built against everything. If this is the case, I should conform to it's shape. Then again, even if it's the other, it sure as hell won't ever conform around me...we just can't win...
You're such a f- pansy sometimes. I hate that.

Last edited by 2 Left Eyes on 07 Sep 2007 00:12, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: 28 Oct 2006 01:33 
<center>Maybe We're the Reflection</center>

I realized something today. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Yes, it's a shitty cliche that I can't stand to hear, yet I realize it's true. Every time I heard it before I always thought about this dog from some movie I saw a long time who was old as shit and didn't ever move hardly. The dog was laying by the fireplace and it's tail caught fire. The dog just layed there. It's owner saw it and stomped all over the tail to put out the flames. The dog didn't move still, just let it's tail get trampled. But I'm rambling. The point is. The point is that this what I always thought of when I heard that phrase, but now it has real meaning. Aside from my dad who is too thickheaded for anybody to tell him anything, I've realized after so many years, people basically stop learning. The class I 'assist' for is primarily made up of students my age give or take 4 years or so. But there's a few who are older, around 35+, one guy is probably pushing 50, if not 50+ already. Besides the fact that it seems useless to try to earn a degree this late, since they won't be able to compete against the youths who can commit much longer term. But they just can't learn any more. Sure, lots of the students have trouble with the class because it covers a lot of material and is somewhat difficult to grasp, but the older people are always much worse. With the students my age, when they're having trouble I can easily explain to them so they are able to understand fairly quickly. But with the older students, it's almost like we don't speak the same language sometimes. I explain it just as well, better since I end up spending more time with them, and just as slowly. But they just don't get it.

But then again, maybe it isn't them, maybe it's me? Perhaps the older generations are just of a different mindset, and I'm unable to connect with them as easily as I am my own mindset. This is a possibility, but I really don't think it's so. A good amount of the younger students are able to do really well without any help, but I have yet to see one older student do well, period. It sucks though. Life really does end around 30 years. After that, you should be dead, and are only kept alive by modern living conditions. After 30, we basically drag out our death to avoid finishing. Most people procrastinate as much as possible, so I guess this suits us. It just kills me though, that after so many years, a person just can't do anything more. We get one shot and that's it. I guess the fact that we get a shot, what we do with the shot, and the lack of second are all as pointless as the other though. On a long enough time line, nothing is important.

 Post subject: When the Sky Falls
PostPosted: 29 Oct 2006 20:50 
<center>When the Sky Falls
One becomes caught in contemplation
Of which direction to run


I hate daylight savings.
I hate daylight savings.
I hate daylight savings.

Even in the fall.
Even in the fall.
Especially the fall.

I awoke this morning as ignorant as an old man wearing a toupe. I didn't realize it was that wretched weekend. I don't watch the news any more so this usually sneaks up on me as of late. However, today, it kicked my ass more than usual. As I checked emails and such I realized my computer's time was 'wrong' and didn't think another thought about it. Around noon, I was watching TV while I ate lunch, and saw the TV's time was wrong too. So I checked my cell phone, also wrong. Looked at my watch again, watch was right. So I put two and eight together and rolled my watch back an hour. Except, instead of rolling it back an hour, I didn't roll it back an hour. I rolled it forward by mistake. I then fell asleep watching some Stephen King mini series, some of his stuff is good, but some of it just flat bores me to death, this was one of the latter. When I woke up after what I thought was probably an hour, my watch showed it to be just after 5:30. I'm about as good at gauging time as I am distance, so I didn't think anything else about it. So I rose and got ready to pick somebody up for dinner at 6. I arrived about 10 minutes late, and they weren't home. I called but no answer, so I said f- it and left. Just a few minutes ago they called me asking where I was. I'm in La-La Land.

But I don't just has daylight savings because it throws me through loops, I hate it because it's the biggest, stupidest f- thing I've ever heard. What is the point of going back and forth twice a year!? Now, when I go to school in the morning, the sun will be up. That first stroke of sunlight that hits my face as I walk outside tomorrow is going to piss me the f- off. I hate sunlight as is, but when I wake up in the morning and the sun is already up, I just want to kill it. It's not morning if the sun is up, but unfortunately, the sun will be up, thanks to the Captain f- Up that put this plan into action.

Time is the one thing we should be able to count on. Nothing is dependable, Nothing.

 Post subject: Yours is not to ask why
PostPosted: 30 Oct 2006 22:29 
<center>Yours is not to ask why
Yours is to do or die

Can't keep up, can't wait longer. Time passes too fast yet not enough. Things pass me by yet I can't wait for the next day to come. Every hour passes too fast, I can't accomplish enough in the hour. Each day takes too long, I can't stand how slowly they pass. Wish tomorrow was now and next month tomorrow. Wish the hour was slower and much larger. Wish there was time and not. Feels like time ticks backwards as it jumps forward.

I haven't spoken to Hank in forever. I can't stand it. I miss him, but I know I shouldn't. I shouldn't talk to him, I shouldn't visit, I shouldn't see him, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't. But I want to. I need it. I can't, but I should. Should so I can. I should be fine but I don't want to be what I should. I know what I know and know it well but it doesn't matter up there. I hate Hank, but more than I hate Hank, I hate Hank'. I can't stand it, but what can I do. I can't do what I can do, I can't, I can't, I can't. Ask forgiveness not permission.

 Post subject: Clip my wings
PostPosted: 31 Oct 2006 22:30 
<center>Clip my wings
after my flight

It's Octember 31st. I haven't done anything halloween night (when it's during the week) in many years. I used to though, used to hand out candy and scare kids. My older brother and I had a cool setup we used to do. First year he dressed up in full cloths, long baggy jeans, combat boots, leather jacket, gloves, and a scary mask. He stuffed newpaper in his clothes and covered every inch of skin so he looked like a doll. He then sat right up against the front door in a chair with a bowl of candy on his lap and didn't move an inch. I dressed as a vampire (was always a vampire since my very first year). I remember hating the fake teeth because they were always too big and hurt my mouth, so I stopped wearing them, but it didn't matter because by the time I was 8 my teeth were so screwed up it actually looked like I had vampire teeth any way. I'd sit behind this huge bush just down the steps to the doorway. People would be freaked out trying to figure out if my brother was real or a stuffed doll to scare people into not taking more than one piece of candy. They'd always approach really slowly, waiting for him to flicker. When they passed me, I'd come out from behind the bush and stand right behind them. They never noticed me because they were mesmerized by my brother. While I stood still and stared at them intently, my brother would move finally, taking a piece of candy out of the bowl and offering it to them with quick movements. They would freak. Sometimes they'd turn around and see me and just fall over, sometimes they'd jump back, bump into me, turn to see me, then start running. Every time, it was great. I found it amazing how even the biggest of kids would get scared. I remember one guy in particular, he was probably 17 or 18 years old, weighed around 250 pounds in muscle. He was talking shit to his friend about how tough he was as they dared each other to grab the candy bowl. When they got closer, but not pass me, my brother set the bowl down, took a piece out, and stood up. They both backed up. My brother started walking to them to offer the candy and the big guy ran like a bat out of hell. His friend ran the other direction, and my brother chased the big guy all the way down the street, and god knows how far he ran after my brother got tired. I was amazed at how my older brother, just around 15 years old, probably weighed 120 pounds could scare off such a big guy so easy.

Those days are long gone though. Now my brother's a drunk, I haven't heard from him in months, he lives in a condemned apartment which I don't know it's location, he has no phone, no electricity, no water, and he probably wouldn't speak to me if I had some way of finding him. How it came to this, I honestly don't know. I never did anything to piss him off. Maybe that's why things are as they are. He never was much of a brother, but it sucks.

As much as I wouldn't believe it, I'm like my older brother so much I could hardly tell us apart sometimes.

 Post subject: Glory and Blame
PostPosted: 01 Nov 2006 17:46 
<center>Glory and Blame
It's all the same

Been doing a lot of listening and thinking.
I've decided against writing either down at this time.

PostPosted: 03 Nov 2006 21:51 
<center>i don't want your god protecting me
i don't need your savior saving me

I'm pissed off. Seems I've been pissed off a lot lately. It's probably in my definition now. My little brother was accepted into the same college I attend last year and he's now living in the same city as me, for school. I can't stand it. It's like I have to hold his hand all the time, he won't do anything by himself and I keep being dragged into helping him. I hate it. I narrowed my choices for which school to attend down to one of two, and I chose this one because my sister was attending the other. I didn't want to have any strings, I wanted to be by myself so I wouldn't have to take care of anybody else. Sometimes, we just can't win. My brother has a lot of friends I don't like. Every time I'm around him he's always with one or more of them, and I really can't much stand any of them. But I don't say anything, not even to my brother in private, because it's just not my place.

I was helping my brother find a place to park his car since parking is so f- up around campus, especially during events. We were alone and he was telling me all the shit one of his friends was saying about me yesterday, behind my back. Christ that pisses me the f- off. It was over the stupidest shit too. A few weeks ago my brother was re-wiring his car stereo, with this friend and another guy. I went into the garage to see how they were doing, and noticed this friend was wearing a suit jacket, on top of a wife beater and some shitty jeans. Thought it was odd so I asked what was with the jacket and he made a shitty comment about what I was wearing. I ignored it, as it's not unlike him to talk like a prick. I found out today that he was really pissed at me for asking about that, apparently he thinks I'm an asshole, but I've never been shitty with any of my brother's friends. It doesn't piss me off so much that somebody's talking about me behind my back, but what really pisses me off is that I find out. I don't care if people talk about me, I'd just perfer not to know about it. Although he said something sarcastic to me, it wasn't anything unusual and certainly not anything to let me know I had pissed him off, by mistake or not.

I don't like the guy any way and certainly wouldn't be friends with him myself, but I still can't help but to feel like I've been stabbed in the back. Seems like that's the only thing people are good for, seems like we can't trust anybody. I can't stand that. I can't stand not being able to trust. It just sucks not being able to speak honestly with anybody, because we know no matter what they are like now, everybody turns on us eventually. Hell, I can't even f-' trust myself.

I don't hate my little brother...I just hate how much he expects from me...

PostPosted: 05 Nov 2006 03:58 
<center>they hate you if you're clever
and despise a fool

I went to see Saw III tonight. It was good, as I expected. But, something went wrong. At the very beginning of the movie, when they were tearing flesh and what not, my stomach turned and I felt sick. This continued for the rest of the movie. It's gone now. It's gone now. I don't like that. I'm not squeemish. I'm not squeemish. I'm hoping it as just some bad chilli I'd eaten earlier tonight. But why did it go away, why did it go away? It should still be there. Should still be there now. Then again maybe I'm losing it. Maybe I'm getting weaker. It reminds me of the time about six, maybe seven years ago, when I passed out. I had gone a bit farther than I had in the past at that time and I became sick to my stomach, not like tonight, much, much worse than tonight. Tonight I just felt like it was churning, that day long ago, I felt like I was going to throw up. That day was the only time I've passed out and saw it coming. It was the first time I passed out, but still I knew I was going to. I remember staring into the mirror at myself and everything began to darken starting at the outer rim of my eyes and closing in. My head started to float off and I just knew I was going to pass out. With the intent of not falling and landing my head on something dangerous, I fell to a knee, then sat back against the door. My head fell back toward my shoulders and the darkness left. It was definitely more of the darkness leaving than the light returning. Neither my head made it all the way back nor the darkness completely left before they began the other direction. The darkness completely fell over my eyes, and I thought "Oh shit, oh shit" for just a second or two before I passed out only to wake an hour and a half later.

It was that day I learned that despite how strong one may be psychologically, sometimes the body acts against the brain. But even the body can be trained. I became much better about such things over the years, but tonight I feel like I've fallen back the other direction. I know I'm better off this way, but still it depresses me. For the past years, I've sat back and let the darkness return.

 Post subject: Death is all It sees
PostPosted: 06 Nov 2006 23:30 
<center>Death is all It sees</center>

Armistice Day approaches. All I can do is lay low and hope to fly under the radar, as per norm. It's that day every year which I regret it's being and hope it passes quickly. I generally try to work so as to pass through it without notice, but unfortunately it's on a Saturday this year which only makes things a little harder. But we'll get pass it, we always have. And surely even on a Saturday at some time before.

I was talking to an old friend, Ivan, on msn today. Met him in an online game probably eight, maybe 10 years ago. We played that game in beta, and it was probably my favorite of all the games I've played. It became overrun and was just too crowded, that's why we both quit. It's sad, I visited the webpage and followed links to it's forums today after speaking to my friend to find that it's dying. The posters in the forum were talking about how it feels like they're playing a single player game. I guess that's sort of how it was when we played. Except it was growing, small community but growing, now it's the opposite. I have half a nerve to shed a tear. Ivan is one of the best friends I've had. I don't think I've been closer or more trusting to/of anybody else. We have a lot in common, more than just interests, but we think the same about everything. Sometimes I'm not sure if he's real.

Something about seeing something else you were once a big part of dieing without you...makes us feel good, even though we know we had nothing to do with it's life or death, nor anything in between.

PostPosted: 08 Nov 2006 22:27 
<center>Otherwise it all comes down</center>

I stuck around after work yesterday to hear a seminar and worked on stuff afterwards, didn't get home until after midnight. Was tired as hell since I wake up at 6am every morning and stay busy every hour. Today I finished classes and then work at 1pm, my short day. I came home, ate lunch, and sat down to do some matrix studying. I began to feel dizzy; I ignored it at first. But it got worse and worse, I wondered, and still wonder, if it was something I'd eaten last night or perhaps fatigue. It didn't hit me when I was busy at work or in class, so I figure it was probably fatigue. Don't seem to feel those effects when you're focused on something intently enough. I try closing my eyes, but I feel like I'm going to fall over. Try laying on the bed but become even dizzier. I try laying flat on the floor but it feels like I'm about to fall off the bed. Then I felt sick in my stomach, like I was going to throw up. Began to wish I would just throw up until there was nothing left to throw up -- always feel better after I've thrown up. But I didn't. I just lay there for a few minutes until I pass out (fall asleep rather). Woke up about 4 hours later, around 7:30. My roommate was in the kitchen when I went to get something to eat. He asked when I was plannin on comin home on Friday. I usually go somewhere after work Friday, so I get home in the AM a lot, not that it's any of his f- business. He questions me all the time asking where I was and I usually just lie and say I went to my parents. He's a complete dumbass so he actually believes that I drove 4 hours after work to go home then another 4 hour drive to return before 10am the next day. This weekend I actually am going home, so I told him I was going to my hometown this weekend and he smiled really big and said "YES". What a f- jackass. If I had any bit of curiousity left as to why he doesn't seem to have any friends, it's all gone now. It's shit like that that makes me wanna cut off his balls and shove them up his ass. I pray he dies in a fire. Soon.

 Post subject: Justify the Vitals
PostPosted: 14 Nov 2006 23:25 
<center>Justify the Vitals
Grip 'em to the lonesome End

Driving down the highway and suddenly 80 mile/hr traffic comes to an abrupt stop. As I inch forward I notice a dual pair of thick skidmarks on the pavement. I see a short distance ahead 6 or 8 cars parked along the shoulder. As I pass the stains I see a car in the ditched, which has clearly flipped at least once, but is now on it's wheels. It's a convertable, and the top was likely down, although it's possible it was forced down. In a world so full of fear, dishonesty, betrayal, and doubt, I'm suddenly assured there is a God.

Every time somebody passes me like an asshole going over 100 miles an hour swerving through the cars wrecklessly without blinking, it comforts me to pretend they're going to crash and die in the fire. It's all just pretend though. But Sunday, when I saw this, I realized that God does exist, He is just not always around for me. This sight made my day, my week, hell, it made my whole year. I'll never win the superbowl, or discover a cure to cancer, or win a nobel prize, so this may very well have been the most glorious day of my life. And I have to say, it felt like I won the superbowl, like I discovered a cure to cancer, like I won every nobel prize.

After I returned to reality though, I wondered about the 6 or 8 cars surrounding the accident. They all stopped apparently to help. They stopped. They stopped to help. They, help, in the same sentence with no negations. I cannot even begin to comprehend why. As I drove along farther, I must have seen 15 police cruisers, fire trucks, and ambulances rushing to what I passed. At this point I figured the driver and/or passenger(s) in the convertable were dead. Immediately I hope those who stopped did so for pictures, but I fear I may be too optimistic -- they may have stopped to help. These people being the same people we live with every day -- the rats, the gutters, the slime, the decay. But why do they suddenly care about this asshole who had it coming? The way I see it, it's one less piece of shit to avoid stepping in.

Oh god, I'd kill for another day like this day.

PostPosted: 16 Nov 2006 22:54 
<center>You won't need a doctor when I'm done
you'll need a priest
...to pray over your body

Some days are shitty, most days are worse.
Today wasn't so bad. Something half decent happened
and it made me realize: I'm not completely retarded. After
that, I just feel like everything's going to turn out O-K.
Sometimes the little things have huge effects.

 Post subject: Tie the noose
PostPosted: 26 Nov 2006 21:33 
<center>Tie the noose
And I'll hang

I hate holidays.
I hate holidays.
I hate holidays.

I cannot say that enough. I hate holidays. I can't stand going home. I can't stand being with my family. I can't stand talking to them on the phone. We're all so f- up. Stupid thursday. Had to eat dinner with my parents, both brothers, sister, older brother's girlfriend, and both grandparents. Haven't spoken with older brother in forever. Come to find out he's been living out of other people's trash and taking food from churches. He makes more $ than I do, yet I don't live out of trash. Why? Because all his money goes to alcohol and cigarettes. It's pathetic. He came to dinner hadn't showered in probably a month. Same with his girlfriend, she's worse. Both disgusting. Some people are better off dead. My grandparents were pissed off about him and her the entire evening. Kept making shitty comments about them and starting arguments. Can't keep their damn mouths shut. Some people are better off dead. My sister is such a piece of shit, she's so full of herself. She finally got a job a few weeks ago and already quit because her manager wasn't treating her like a princess. She's such a bitch, always so focused on herself. I can't talk to her at all, she's always gotta complain about how bad she has it and how everybody doesn't do everything for her. Some people are better off dead. My little brother is currently attending the same university as I am. He's been slacking since he got here and now he just wants to quit. He'll probably follow older brother's lead and become a bum. Some people are better off dead. Dad's a senile, racist son of a bitch. He used to keep his jackass comments to himself, but the older he gets the less he cares about anybody really, just says whatever the f- he wants always pissing everybody off. Some people are better off dead. Mom's pissed me off too. My little brother was the last of us to move out, when I left with him at the beginning of the semester she was crying. She didn't cry when the rest of us left so I figured she just didn't want to be alone (or with dad). She's always asking me to come home every weekend, always has, but this year I felt like she was having trouble not having any of her children at home any more. Especially since older brother basically ran away and hasn't told any of us where he lives and rarely speaks to us. That tore her apart I thought. So I tried coming home as often as I could on weekends, probably went home every 3 weekends or so, and I busted my ass to be able to do that, as busy as I keep. And thursday, what happens? Somehow it came up during conversation that she had 1 weekend alone since we were all moved out, and how much she enjoyed it. My little brother has been home most every weekend, and my sister probably about as often as me, maybe a little less. But now she says this, that she doesn't want us to come home every weekend, that she wants to not have us around sometimes. I'm not mad that she wants this, I don't blame her, I don't wanna be around us, including myself. What pisses me off is that she doesn't tell us this. She just lies to us, says she wants me to come home over and over and over. I don't even necessarily want her to tell me the truth, if she doesn't want to say it that's FINE. What I'd like though is for her to not f- lie to me. Don't say you want me home. You can say nothing, you can always f- say nothing.

f-' A, seems like deception is what makes the world turn. Can't trust f- anybody, I hate it. I don't seek the truth, I just don't want to hear the lies. Silence is the only thing I can trust.

Wish I hadn't written this. I hate every word. Makes me feel weak. I pray I forget about these entries before a year's past.

That's because you are weak.

PostPosted: 08 Dec 2006 21:17 
<center>We sing the death song, kids,
'Cause we've got...no future...

Just been one of those days, feel like crap. Feel like everything's pointless, always has been, always will be. I've become very good over the years at repressing my desires, but every now and then I just can't. There's always Want and it just won't die. If I could kill it, he'd have died years ago. I feel like it's a weakness, and that's why I want to get rid of it, but this statement in itself just makes me sound even weaker. What's worse though is that I never want anything acheivable, it seems to be against my nature to want something I'm able to gain. Even now, this recent desire is something I could acheive, but the desire doesn't end at acheiving it. The desire is to both acheive it and never have it, at the same time. Thus even something I want which I can have, I seem to always alter the basics to use impossible parameters. I just have such a horrible feeling from it though -- I want to rip my insides out and smash them. I want to grab a hammer and just smash everything around me. So frustrating. My inability to crush the recent want is just causing more to form. I'm so very angry. It always passes in a few days time though, it always passes. I'll just cling to that hope for the next week to get me through. Always getting through, but never going anywhere...

PostPosted: 14 Dec 2006 21:38 
<center>Could you stop the meat from thinking...
before i swallow all of it

Well, it passed, whatever it was. Can't even remember any more...

I guess I only really write in my general when I'm ticked off about something. Or maybe it's just because I never have anything good to say. Nah, I'm not buying that, it's not because I have nothing good to write, it's because no matter what happens, I only see the bad. If I won the lottery, I'd definitely bitch about having to give over a third of it to Uncle Sam. But this view isn't what I see as my definition, no. What I see as my definition is my choosing this view. Manipulation is my virtue, and I can manipulate even myself into thinking what I want, but I choose not to, because this sight is truely what I want.

Today, I've been feeling like I've not accomplished as much as I should have by now. Feels like I'm having a mid-life crisis. The past few years it seems like I've been trying to find what I want to become, not working toward anything, but simply trying to find something to work toward. Now I genuinely feel like I've found that, but I can't help to feel that I've wasted these past years, that I should be 6, 8, maybe even 10 years farther along than I am. Feels like everything's downhill from here, that I should be reflecting back by now, not forward. But I don't know...

I guess having a midlife crisis at my age makes us wish we weren't so good at math.

You mean the midlife crisis in combination with your ability at math brings great relief.

Your definition? What you see as your definition? You sound like a f- queer.

 Post subject: Broken and Bleeding
PostPosted: 17 Dec 2006 00:39 
<center>Broken and Bleeding</center>

I'm driving home from my final about half an hour ago, and one of my favorite songs comes on. I don't much get excited so I don't sing along, but I mouth the words...sort of. Halfway through the song I realize that the song isn't playing -- in fact I have a different cd in all together.

...too much blood in my alcohol...

 Post subject: Dreams Die So Fast
PostPosted: 17 Dec 2006 02:14 
<center>Dreams Die So Fast</center>

This one's for you, Ry,

<center>You Were Meant to Bleed

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a frowning face
I don't like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause
Dreams die so fast
Even before they're born
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant to bleed
And I was meant to bleed too
I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee, but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Took off my coat in the pouring rain
Saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I am sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause
Dreams die so fast
Even before they're born
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant to bleed
And I was meant to bleed too
I go about my business, I'm doin' fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line?
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, every day
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up, turn the sheets down
Take a deep breath and a good luck around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight, 'cause
Dreams die so fast
Even before they're born
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant to bleed
And I was meant to bleed too

Yeah...You were meant to bleed, and I was meant to bleed too...</center>

Ironically, it's shaped just like a monster you once drew...

PostPosted: 18 Dec 2006 03:03 
<center>I have to turn my head
until my darkness goes

Had a problem with my jackass of a roommate this morning. Or should I say with my landlord? Yea, I'm a f- idiot and I've roomed with a friend from high school who is also my landlord. I did it because it was cheap, and it was only 1 roommate in a duplex as opposed to a more expensive apartment with 3 roommates. So when I talked with my roommate, David, about moving in last year, he told me I would pay a flat rate every month, except during the summers when he left (he goes home every summer) I would be responsible 100% for the utility bills (no shit), but when he was living there, he would take care of the bills 100%. This included basic utilities, direct tv, and internet access. We met a few weeks later after he got his mom's realty company to write a contract up. I read every word, partly as a precaution, but partly because he insisted I read it. Within it I noticed it said I would be paying half the utilities when we both lived there, and full utilities when alone. So I said to him, hey this isn't what we agreed on. He read it and was like no, that's not. He said the realty company f- it up and not to worry about it -- he's not going to screw me.

I moved in at the beginning of this past summer. Right off the bat, he had canceled the direct tv and the internet service. So I had to reactive the direct tv, which I did under his name and it was already being billed to his mom so I never saw another thing about it. Had to buy a new modem to set up a new internet service because the f- locked his room and had the modem in it, and wouldn't be back until the end of the summer. So I payed the bills while I was there as I should. When he moved back in, he has his f- mom call me and tell me I need to "just throw in half the cost of the bills into my rent check" from now on and they'll make sure it gets paid. So I'm like whatever and go talk to David. I told him he told me I wouldn't have to pay bills at all when he was living here. He was like yea, I guess I remember something like that. Bastard decided he didn't need internet, so I got stuck having to pay that bill in order to keep it.

But then this morning he wants to talk to me about something before I left. So he comes in my room with utility bills and starts telling me that he's having financial troubles and can't pay the bills. He told me he thought he paid the bill last month but APPRENTLY he forgot to so the bill this month was almost $300 instead of $80 like it usually is (when we're not using AC or anything). Does he ask me to loan him the money? f- no. He says "we're" in a bit of trouble -- like it's MY f- problem. So he brings up the fact that according to the contract I never should have signed, I should have been paying half the bills. So, in order that he's able to pay the bills, he wants to ignore our actual agreement for just the past 4 months, and get the money from me that I would have paid had we been following the contract. Need I remind you, I've only been living there WITH him for 4 months, so he's basically completely f- me over and will likely try this shit again, after all this is the second time he's tried to pull this shit on me already. And also, about 2 weeks ago, he had glass doors installed in front of the front doors to both sides of the duplex, plus he's getting rent from me each month that he didn't get ALL last year (he lived alone on his side all last year). Now if he can afford to pay some guys to install these doors on the f- house, then he can afford to PAY THE f- BILLS. I am not living there to take care of his ass, I'm there because I have shit to do in that city, and that's IT. So, naturally, I said f- that. I told him I'd give him next month's rent early so he can pay the bills, after all I don't want to be without water and electricity. And what does he do? He says I'M trying to SIDESTEP my way out of it. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO f- REACH DOWN HIS THROAT, RIP HIS LUNG OUT, AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS. But I keep my mask on, as always, and calmly tell him that I'm not sidestepping shit, I'm not paying for the utilities when we agreed I wouldn't have to -- that's the whole reason I moved here instead of an apartment. So he says fine, he'll just take the early rent to pay it off. I was pretty pissed off so I left to a friend's place, where I'm going to stay a few nights because I know his dumbass will try to f- "talk" to me about it again.

Last time I was living with a roommate that was pissing me off, I took my old stash of obituary picture clippings and hung them all around my room. He asked me what they were, I replied "nothin'" and he became much more manigable after that. I'm thinking about doing the same thing again, I still have all the pictures, just need to hang them.

I'm still f- pissed off though. I'll definitely move out, I was contemplating it already, just because he's been such a jackass since he became my landlord, but right now it's 100%. Shit, not to mention he's a f- minority with diagnosed dyslexia (though I don't believe it) so he's got scholarships for both which COMPLETELY cover 4 years of college for him. So all he has to pay is the f- bills, what A f- BASTARD. What do I get? I got a $250 scholarship (which bought ONE f- book) when they drew my name out of a f- hat in high school. But I'm white, I have two parents, and I'm not crippled, so all the scholarship people just turn their backs on me. So here I am, going to school full time for engineering which takes loads of time, and working 20 hours a week for an engineering class to pay as much of it as I can with as few loans as possible. And what do I get? A f- jackass roommate stabbing me in the back.

You know, he's my f- friend, my f- friend. I've known him for like 12 years. He's one of the few friends that didn't move away during gradeschool, we stuck together. And now he's trying to f- stab me in the back every chance he gets. Who in this world am I supposed to trust? I can't f- trust anybody. Why does everybody hide knives behind me?

 Post subject: light the fuse
PostPosted: 23 Dec 2006 02:07 
<center>light the fuse
and Relax
while it all goes away

I left something out earlier. I told david I'd give him half the rent early, since that's what he needed to keep the electricity from being shut off. But, I was going to be out of town when the next month's rent was due, and I knew that, so I wrote him a second check for the other half of the rent. I told him the second check was for the rest of the rent, but I didn't want to have to mail it to him so I'm giving it to him now (then), and to not deposit it until the first of the year. I told him I post dated the second check and to make sure he didn't lose it because it's a bitch to cancel a check. I used to be a salesman, so I know post-dating isn't real and the banks don't even look at the date, but post-dating is sort of like an agreement between you and the person you're paying. Well, f- my ass. Here I go again entering an agreement with the same dude that's already been trying to f- me for doing that. What did I expect would happen? I expected he would lose the check and I'd have to go through the hassle of canceling it and writing another one (which would for SURE get to him late). But what's he do? Deposits both checks, together, in the same deposit. f- asshole, f- asshole. It's not that I'm having financial problems or am tight on cash right now or anything, but it's the principle behind it all. Yea, sure, I can afford to help him, but you know what? I'm busting my ass here. I'm going to school full time and working in what little time I have around that. I'm having to earn everything. What's he doing? He's getting a free ride off everybody, he's not even taking enough classes to be considered full time, he doesn't work. I don't mind helping a friend, and if he'd asked me to help him out, I probably would have -- but that's not what he did. What he did was try to manipulate the situation so that I owed him. Not only do I find that to be wrong, but it's also sneaky and just a f- up thing to do to a friend, not to mention somebody you live with.

But that's ok, 'cause he miss spelled my name on the contract. It was a common miss spelling so even the person that validated our contract didn't notice the difference when she looked at my ID. I can't remember the title of this person...I've used this service a few times but just can't remember what it was called. I was searching google trying to figure out what it was and found a wiki article on contracts that mentioned oral contracts (like the agreement we had aside from the written one) are often mis-referred to as verbal contracts, when really verbal contracts refer to oral AND written contracts. Now, in our contract, at some point it reads that any verbal contracts between us are void. Unfortunately, I cannot at this time remember if it said verbal (as I wrote being hopeful) or oral. So if it does say verbal, then that would mean the contract we signed says to disregard itself even. If it says oral, then we're back where we started, but I knew about this ahead of time. david hasn't seemed to realize that it says oral agreements are void -- he surely would have brought this up during our little conversation, but he still might (or rather, probably will) in the future (or rather, as soon as I go home).

All I know is this, I've been a good roommate, but nowhere in the contract does it say I have to be a good roommate. I'm going to start being a f- asshole. I'm going to play loud music any time he falls asleep, invite friends over that smoke and drink, order pizzas under his name when I'm not home and I know he is, turn on the A/C during the winter when I leave for school and work, and the heat during the summer. I'm going to leave the freezer door open all night so his frozen foods rot and eat stuff that isn't mine. I'll keep minimum groceries as I always do, so he can't return the favor. I'll no longer use trash cans and, from time to time, use the carpet behind the sofa as a urinal. I'll hide his milk under his bed and when his mom calls for him (as she does at least twice a day) I'll answer and tell her he's at the titty bar. And that last month I'm there, I'm going to send him my check 3 weeks late, it'll have "f- You" written on the "For:" part, it'll bounce, and there won't be a damn thing he can do about it. You wanna play? Better get your f- glove on.

You're such a pansy, just kill him and his mom, they've got nobody else -- the house will be sold cheap after that and you can get it easy. Make it look like a car accident, you know as well as I do how easy it'll be to keep that quite.
Psh, who am I kidding. You should renew your contract with him -- you always have to have somebody to be pissed off at, why not this guy.

 Post subject: I had a title
PostPosted: 25 Dec 2006 21:15 
<center>I had a good title prepared
last Night
But I've forgotten what it was

Eh, christmas. They say depression is much more common around these holidays -- but it's ok here, the relatives left earlier. So many horrible things I want to write. But you know what, although my memory may be worse than a dead dog's, these thoughts will never leave me and there's no chance I'll forget. I'm satisfied with that, perhaps I'll elaborate on details of this year later.

Age, psh. I can't write unless I'm retarded.

 Post subject: Ford is Dead
PostPosted: 27 Dec 2006 02:09 
<center>Ford is Dead
And no one Cares

Ugh. Just registered to go on the apartment tour I went on last year. Makes me sick. I don't want to find an apartment. I hate them all. I used to flyer them when I was a salesman, they're not safe at all. Sucks. And I'll be alone this time. Last year I had 3 people looking with me, we were all going to room together -- until they couldn't agree on anything and we all had second thoughts, and I ended up where I am now, and they all split up. It was probably better for me, two of them are pretty f- up. But now I'll have to be living with random roommates. This could be ok or it could be wretched. My luck tends toward wretched, but I can't stay where I "am" now. Yea, I'd probably be better off staying....but let's face it, I've known my roommate for too long, and he's my landlord. I can get people to not f- with me easily through fear, but I can't bring myself to do that with somebody I know well, and with a landlord it seems like a bad idea all around. There's other perks too though, I'll be about 30 minutes closer to the campus, which I live at probably more than my home any way. Hm, I guess that's the only perk.

I watched a cartoon or movie or something when I was little that had this...dinosaur, or dragon thingy in it and she went on and on for about 5 minutes about this upside-down cake and how it's bottom was it's top, and it was a confused little baked good and what not -- then she ate it. I feel like that dinosaur/dragon right about now.

 Post subject: Keep tuggin'
PostPosted: 29 Dec 2006 02:15 
<center>Keep tuggin'
'Cause there's nothing on the other end
Of these heart-strings

Ugh. Bad day. My landlord called me and asked me for my rent in advance. The rent I already paid 2 weeks ago, and it isn't due until the first of January. Why was I ever friends with this guy? I hate this guy. I wanna rip his limbs off and bathe in his blood. I calmly told him I already paid my rent. I'm pretty pissed at the guy as it is, so my temper is already short with him, I had to use every last bit of restraint my will contains to keep from blowing up at him. He insisted that he needed me to go ahead and pay it again, and consider the last payment as that for utilities I haven't been paying since in the written contract it says I was supposed to be paying half. He needed me to pay it because he's in financial trouble [as he's been telling me since I f- moved in]. He's in financial trouble [this time] because his father died, and he needs the money to pay for his funeral. I said "So just cremate him" and hung up. I understand shit happens, people die. I'm surprised it was his dad and not his grandmother, but still, I understand that people die, it happens. For one though, he wasn't close with his dad, the guy moved out when he was young and only visited like once every year or 2, so it wasn't a big loss of his any way, and I don't know why he has to pay for the funeral, I kind of doubt the validity of this now that I'm writing it out, although I believed completely it when I heard it. But that's not what pisses me off, still. I'm pissed for the same reason I was pissed before. It's one thing to ask for financial help from a friend (which I thought I was at one point), or ask for a loan from a friend, but it's completely different to try to blackmail the money from me. Friends don't pull shit like that, what the f- does he think he's doing. I guess blackmail isn't the right word, since he doesn't have shit on me, but regardless, he's trying to do something sneaky, whatever the word is for it. I've half a nerve to make up a word for it, but nothing's coming to mind.

On top of that, my stomach started to hurt really bad about an hour ago, and hasn't let up. Feels like something heavy's sitting on top of it crushing it. Oddly though it's only the inner right side that hurts, not the left. This intrigues me a little, my right has never taken any hits. I guess I have a slightly off-the-wall idea as to what might be causing it, but I don't want to say it aloud. I guess the natural abnormality to it though is that only half my stomach hurts. Who knows what's wrong, I'll just take a few sleeping pills and wake to it's absence -- hopefully. On the plus side though, my tooth's been bugging me since about a week or two before thanksgiving. Finally got a chance to see my dentist last wednesday, he explained the filling in my tooth was taking too much of the bite (bite was a little off since my braces came off), he ground it so it would bite differently and not hit the filling so bad. Basically, it crushed the filling into the nerve or some weird shit but the point is he said it should be completely better by yesterday. Well last night it still hurt like a bitch. Plus though, this was a plus -- when I rinsed my mouth after brushing today (with cold water, which has been causing the worst pain), I barely felt any pain. So that's good, maybe I can drink without a straw again. Then again, maybe I just didn't feel the pain much because my stomach was hurting so bad, or perhaps I've just grown used to the pain. Psh, I wish I could grow used to pain that fast. Probably just getting better. Damn, I really am pessimistic sometimes, here my tooth is getting better and I find a way to see it as a bad thing.

 Post subject: At 5:55
PostPosted: 01 Jan 2007 04:16 
<center>At 5:55
He discovered
His cowardice

Been quite a day, quite a day. Older brother's birthday was today. I saw him at christmas, he was doing bad then, but after today, I'd consider his condition then to be...let's say 'grand'. I'm just waiting until I get a phone call from my mom, or the police, or somebody telling me he's dead. I've been expecting a call like that since...well for about 10 months or so I think. But now, should I receive that call, I think I'll feel relief more so than despair. Yes, I love him, but I guess when you expect him to have gotten himself killed for this long, we prepare ourselves for it so much, that it's no big deal when it comes. Truthfully though, he was never much of a brother to me -- sure I've always been his brother, but I wouldn't say he's been mine. Well, I guess when it comes to the brotherly tormenting kind of thing, he's been one hell of a brother to me my entire life. But brothers are supposed to be more than that, we're supposed to have a reason to put up with all of the ugly parts.

Wow, the things I planned for my roommate. I've gotta say, I came up with a lot pretty fast. Sure sounds like fun to do all that, too bad I won't. I guess a large part of why I wouldn't do that is because I really do know that it's wrong to do it, it doesn't help the situation, and I can control my hatred, despite how much he may deserve it. An even larger part though is that I know not to burn any bridges unless I have no choice. No, I'll never need this guy and there's no chance in hell he'll ever be my boss, or above me in any way. There's also no way whatsoever that I'd ever have him as a last resort to turn to, nor would I should that actually happen. But I still feel I shouldn't burn the bridge, I like to keep a low profile I guess.

On a side note, I've been working on a side project since the off days before finals started last semester. I was thinking it would be just a day or 2 for fun, but I've done quite a bit with it, and it's becoming quite...intricate. It reflects me in a lot of ways. I guess it's kind of like a work of art, to me any way. Unfortunately, I know I'll never complete the project, it's too big for me, and honestly I don't want to complete it. It's not just been keeping me busy during the break, but it's kept me motivated, inspired. I know I'll never finish, but the thought of what it could possibly be one day....gives me hope. Hope...Hope is one thing I can't seem to get enough of nor hold onto long enough these days. I may hate you more than my roommate, but I miss you that much more, Hope.

 Post subject: running to the light
PostPosted: 02 Jan 2007 01:56 
<center>running to the light at the end of the tunnel
like a fly into headlights

 Post subject: Listen to me
PostPosted: 05 Jan 2007 03:44 
<center>Listen to me -- everyone,
if the button is pushed, there'll be nowhere to run</center>

I went to the dentist this morning, for my appointment to get my tooth fixed finally. As it turns out, that night I thought the pain was gone -- I simply hadn't felt it over the stomach thing. The following morning the stomach pain vanished and the tooth ache returned. Always has to be something, always something. Since it didn't heal on it's own, my dentist explained to me that he was going to remove the current filling in the tooth (which caused the problem in addition to my bite biting too directly on it) with a medicated filling which will feed the nerve steroids or something, then we'll change it back to a regular filling in about 4 weeks. He said if this doesn't work, I'll have to see and endedontist to have a root canal. From my experiences, when a doctor says "If this doesn't work, we'll do [insert bullshit here]", it generally means, this ISN'T going to work. So I'm prepared to have to do a root canal. I had one once when I was about 8 years old, probably the worst dental work I ever had done, mostly because I was so young. Unfortunately, they take around 2-3 weeks to perform I think. This means I won't be able to have it done until I have 2-3 weeks in where I have weekdays off that I can do it. Guess it'll have to wait until next christmas. I'll just have to put up with the pain 'til then.

The first thing the doc did was numb my mouth of course. This is by far the worst part of any service like this. First he puts in the calm before the storm -- the fruity stick which is supposed to numb the surface of the skin, psh. Then he takes the first needle and jabs it in and I fear it comes out the other end. Very little pain, but a cold rod pierced into my cheek. He lets it set for a half minute or so. Then the second needle, again, it pierces straight into me. No pain whatsoever, just the sight of the butt end of the needle and the empty feeling of something pressing pass my mouth. I can take the pain, the tooth pain was much worse than the needles, but I can't stand needles. The sight of them going in hurts much more than the pain itself. I have such an aversion to needles for no reason. Some things are just out of our control.

My tooth's been bothering me since about mid November, so near 2 months now. This whole time I thought it was the second tooth from the back which was hurting. This tooth doesn't have a filling, but the very back tooth does. Surprisingly, after some sadistic assurance testing, my dentist proved to me that it was this back tooth which hurt, not the previous. Two months of this pain, and I couldn't even tell what was in pain.

My appointment was at 10:30, I got home at about 11:20. About an hour later the numbness had mostly worn off, it was almost gone completely. By 6:00, it didn't linger at all. I couldn't believe it wore off so quickly. Hmm, I guess it's been a while since I've been numbed by a dentist, but I guess that is about the normal time it stays numb. Must have just seemed fast 'cause the last time I was numbed, it never wore off. It's strange how quickly I forget my lower lip is numb, I don't notice it unless I try to now. That's a useful tool -- if only I could harness it better for other aspects.

 Post subject: burning whispers
PostPosted: 06 Jan 2007 02:05 
<center>burning whispers
remind me of the days

I washed dishes today. Washed lots and lots of dishes. Amidst the washing, I noticed I had a cut on my middle finger, on the left hand. A clean cut bleeding openly. I don't know what cut it. There were lots of pots and pans and a few knives, but I'm always extra careful with the knives, it seems unlikely I'd do that by mistake. The cut could have occurred before the dishwashing even, it's hard to say. Deep, red, cut. I didn't feel it when it happened -- makes me wonder, how deep of a cut could somebody get before they have to notice it? Could a person chop off their entire finger and not know it? Could I?

My project's been coming along...less than smoothly, but almost exactly as planned. This past week I've been cranking through a lot of it, the parts I know how to do, but, even though I haven't finished those yet, I've begun the hard part. I've decided that the easy parts which are left depend too much on one of the hard parts, so if I do that now, there's a good chance I'll have to re-do it later. It's far too time consuming to have to do it twice. So I started trying to learn how to do one of the hard parts, yesterday actually I think. So far, I've learned that the hard parts are hard, as I expected. So much to learn, and a very small chance I'll ever finish.

long, thin, heavenly line of crimson giving away it's treats, free to all

PostPosted: 08 Jan 2007 02:23 
<center>if you wanna be a hero...
then just follow me

I had an orthodontist appointment yesterday morning early. Got up at 8am to get to the 10:30 appointment. It's over an hour drive because my orthodontist moved to another location, and if I switched to the new one replacing her, it would delay me about a year. This was the second switch, my orignal orthodontist moved without telling me, it was about 8-12 months before I knew what happened. That switched delayed my braces at least a full year. I just had a retainer check, so after the long drive, I sit in the waiting room for them to call my name. After about 20 minutes, they call me in and sit me in one of the chairs in the back, I haven't been sat in the back before. The hygenist (I think that's what they're called) looked at my records, realized she didn't have to do anything, told me the doctor would be over there shortly, and set my records on the table next to me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nosey or because I have trouble just sitting there doing nothing and there's no magazines in that area, but I was reading over my chart as I usually do during the 10, 20, 45 minute wait on the doctor. I saw on the chart something out of the ordinary. Rather than just having my birthdate (month, day, and year), they actually had how old I was written out, both how many years and months I've been alive. I don't understand why they need that, calculated out and written in bold print. It's not that I didn't know how old I was, but seeing it written out...well it saddens me. I can't believe it's been that long, and I've acheived so little. The numbers stared at me for about 15 minutes until the doctor came by. She picked them up and said "Hi *****, how are you?" I managed to say "ok" as I hid my despair. She leaned my chair back, had me open my mouth, took out my retainers, said "bite down", told me everything looks good and she'll see me in 3 months. Traffic wasn't bad at all, but the drive home took just over two hours. I've mostly been lying in bed since I got home, got up a couple of times to use the bathroom. Just can't get those bold numbers out of my head...

PostPosted: 10 Jan 2007 01:34 
<center>I see a ship in the harbor
And my eyes are closed...

My friend convinced me to go to a hockey game with him tonight. My favorite sport and team. I hate people in general, so I'm not suprised the crowd we sat in back of pissed me off as much as it did tonight. The people sitting around us were all old people. A bunch of geriatrics drinking and being stupid. They didn't even seem to realize there was a hockey game being played. I spent some of the time knowing I was going to be just like that, an inevitable decline until I ease in. I spent the rest of the time thinking about how I'd already become that. There I sit in a crowd of myself.

 Post subject: you can ring that bell
PostPosted: 14 Jan 2007 01:15 
<center>you can ring that bell all you want,
'cause Nobody's home

I picked up my brother from his house, which he rents month-to-month until he's unable to pay the $100 bill. I picked him up, hm, it must have been on Thanksgiving? Wow, that means he must have paid his rent at least once -- I'm surprised. Or maybe they just haven't gotten around to kicking him out yet, or believe he's still going to pay them. Bah. So when I picked him up, he showed me his 'place'. Looked like it was hit by an earthquake, floors didn't match up, and the stairs leading up to the door actually went down, but it was pretty obvious they were built to climb up, not down. We could smell his stench from the driveway. His girlfriend has some awful perfume which they use to substitute bathing. I guess they could smell worse. He was playing his gamecube when we got there. The thing stopped working a year or 2 ago, just out of the blue. He had gotten it to work again. This above all, definitely amazed me -- and still does. He talked to somebody who knew something about them not working every so often. The guy told him he just needed to blow the dust out of it using an air gun of some sort. My brother didn't have an air gun, so instead he used a vacuum cleaner, sort of the opposite there. Amazingly though, after he vacuumed it, it worked again. I can tell the vacuum isn't as effecient as an air gun would be, due to the limited holes on the casing, and the extra bonuses air forcing in has bouncing off the walls and such over air being pulled out. Nonetheless though, it worked. I have our old PS2 with me at my house. This thing hasn't worked in about 3 years, same problem the gamecube had, couldn't read the discs. Listening to a song on the radio, kind of sounds like Offspring, it's not, they said, oh I don't remember who they said it was, but it isn't offspring. Well I guess it doesn't really sound like offspring, the singers don't sound similar at all now that I think about it, but it reminds me of offspring, yea, it reminds me of them. Offspring has a few really good songs, but they have just as many equally bad songs, and the rest are just...eh. Guess that's why I never bought an offspring cd. I was sittin around here stuck in this bad weather and afraid to drive any where. Holy shit this song that just came on completely blows, I wanna cut off the DJ's ballsack and strangle him (or her) with it! Let it slide?! Let you slide. I was afraid to drive anywhere because I went to the store this morning and had an accident leaving the street I live on. Basically, it's a neighborhood of duplexes so theres at least 4 cars per "house" here. The street had cars parked all along both sides of the road as usual, and as I passed a driveway at 20mph, some jackass backs out right in front of me, must have been 3 feet in front of me when I saw them. It was raining hard and I slammed the breaks and swerved to my left -- where a car was parked on the side, of course. I thought for sure I was going to hit not just the car I swerved into, but the guy that backed out in front of me too. I cringed my teeth and waited for the clank doubling my car insurance rate. On top of everything else, it was raining, and the first thing I heard was the skid of my tires not breaking. At that point I thought I'd lose control and just plow the car parked on the side of the road. But I didn't. In fact, I didn't hear any other sounds after that. Not even a honk or a "f- YOU". Did we not get into an accident? Did nothing collide? Is everything ok? I honestly wasn't sure. I was fairly sure there was no collision, but then again I've never been in a collision at so slow a speed, and I sure as hell couldn't believe that it was possible to have not hit at least one of the cars. The road I was on had a dead end on the other side, so I knew the guy was going to be following me. I drove slowly, and watched him (or her) in the mirror, trying to see if they wanted me to stop so we could exchange insurance and what not, or if they were going to speed off because they didn't have insurance. They didn't do anything out of the ordinary, just drove behind me until they went straight where I went right. When I got to the store, I got out of my car, looked it all over and couldn't find a thing. Not a scratch, not a scratch. It was impossible, there wasn't enough room for me between the cars, there's no way I could have not hit anything. The only explanation I can come up with is that there was no incident, there was no car that backed out in front of me -- nothing. I thought I'd give that vacuum thing a try while I sat here working on stuff, so I took my roommate's vacuum and vacuumed the ps2. Then I plugged everything in, connected it to the wall and TV, turned it on and popped Summoner in. Bam, it loaded it just fine. f- my ass. Something my brother told me to do for, for one: it didn't sound so stupid I wanted to make a milkshake with his brains, and two, it actually worked. If he keeps this up, he might get close to my good side by the end of the century.

 Post subject: now I watch
PostPosted: 18 Jan 2007 17:43 
<center>now I watch the Falling rain
all my mind can see now is your face

It's been quite a day. School was closed until 10, no classes before 11. Cut out 2 of my classes, I was glad about that -- although I usually enjoy my classes, I always repel beginning a new semester. It's been cold and icing fairly badly. The roads were undrivable for maybe a day, but there were patches of ice for about 4 days. Unfortunately, in this state that's rare, so even those of us that know how to drive in icey conditions are unable to because some local dumbass will always be there to cream us. My first class (which held up today) was at 12:30, so I went out to clear the ice off my car at about 9:30. It was an ice machine -- I hadn't driven anywhere since this started. I cleared most of the ice off, looked at the roads which still had a little ice remaining here and there, and said f- it, I'll just take the bus. Realizing the busses might drive slower than usual due to the weather I caught the 10:00 bus for my 12:30 class. Turns out the entire city opened up today at 10am from being closed, and everybody was on their way to work and school at this time. Traffic was absolutely horrible. My bus route is about 7 miles to campus. I got to my stop at 12:20, that's 2 hours and 20 minutes to travel 7 miles. I barely got to class on time, but that's only because once the traffic died off, my bus driver sped and ran red lights, hit curbs, all kinds of crazy shit to try to catch up with time.

One great thing about everything opening up as the ice melts is how dangerous trees become. The sidewalks on campus are lined with trees. Trees which for the past 4 days have been covered in ice. This ice just began to melt as I walked to class at noon-twenty. The ice falls long before it finishes melting. So all the way to class, the trees are throwing icicles at me. I was glad I'd worn a hat, though had I known, I'd have worn a helmet, or a bubble even.

Ugh, the two hour bus ride gave me such a headache. I hate the bus. We've missed 2 days of school now, which means about 1 of all my classes. Most of my classes are jam packed with way more material than there's time to cover in a single semester in the first place, so it's a given that we fall behind schedule in every single one of my [main] classes, but to start out behind, well f-. That's like raising your hand as high as you can and telling a midget to jump up and touch it, then wacking off one of his legs just before he starts trying.

What goes up must come down, but not the other way around.

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