Xentales

Good day today. Sorted some shit out with friends in a way. My one friend is going insane because of his girlfriend. He spent last night wandering around in a town 30 minutes from here thinking about things. I wish he just would have f- called me. If he needs to get away from things then he can just crash at my place. Going out at that late in the night isn't good. Lots of junkies wandering around looking for dr.feelgood. The whole story is basically there was tension between the two of them and she cut him off, not wanting to see him for a few days. He tried to get ahold of her to no avail so he went to her school and tried to find her, no luck. She also has a guy that hangs around with her alot. Doesn't help. It does sound like there might be something going on between her and this guy. I hope for my friend's sake there isn't as he has been a complete wreck. I havn't seen a person that broken down in a long time. I appriciated his honesty anyway. He told me everything which shows me a certain level of trust I respect. We talked for about, oh 4 hours. Then he came back here and hung out for awhile. I could tell it helped take his mind off of it but he still spaced out alot. I could tell he didn't want to go. I know what he is feeling. I've been in his shoes before. I am definatly concerned for him.

Another dilema is a group of projects ive got due. I agreed to work on one project with john k (him above^^). However in his current state he isn't focused. I was given an offer to jump ship and group with another friend. He isn't so messed and he has a really good idea. So im stuck. I dont want to f- my one friend but i dont want to f- myself. I did however agree to work on another project with him. john k won't be pleased i bet so im debating about doing both projects.. at the exact same time. meaning x2 the work when i dont have time for anything as it is. ack.

im really worried about my friend. i talked him since the time i got home til now. he just left to come pick me up at my place and take me back to his place. ive never been there before. its about an hr north of my place. i actually really upset my mom as i think he is suicidal. he talked about going out and getting "substances". obviously if he wants to come pick me up then he is desperate, im predicting suicidal. im going to pick us up some booze but my main function is to control him. i know i really hurt my mom... i might have done it in actually. she said something about ill never be forgiven for this one. well i better get ready..

well that was a rough night. i ended up coming back home as we just hung around town. he needed someone really badly. i dont think he has had someone there for him in a long time. i talked him out of the substances as it didn't feel right to do it. he is really f- though and my power can only reach so far. he lives a ways away as i mentioned. f-, im tired and worried. in the end i think he got choked up. i got out of the car and was talking. we talked for like 5 minutes and then i said "you know i am always here. i dont give a f- if its 4 oclock in the morning. im here. you know that. if you need something i am always here, no matter the day or time. i said well you need to get the f- home and sleep. ill catch ya later. ill be on msn if you want to talk. he couldn't say anything. he kinda looked at me but not quite. i knew. im glad he sees me for what i am. im the kind of guy you can get high and drunk with but im always looking out for you. i have your back. i would hold back drinking to help my friend, which is what i planned. all of his friends he could drink with but being honest about himself=meh.

Just got home. What a nightmareish 3 days. Wednesday night I got into the fight with her and hung out with my friend. I came back here and she ripped up the note I left her. I got up and drove myself insane. I was slightly suicidal. I called my grandpa and talked to him most of the afternoon. I then came home and was worse then before. My friend came online and he offered to come in and pick me up and let me stay there. It did really help. I went to the dojo he trains at and learned alot from his sensi. Very smart man. He went to meet his girlfriend and came back. He walks in the door and I will never forget this moment ever: "It went great. She came out to the car and talked. I cried and she cried. Then she broke up with me." The way he said it was haunting. I was so damn glad I was there for him. We talked til 12 then went to bed. Talked the whole way to school. He was also helping me deal with my mom. I tried to hint about me going back there but I think with him working this weekend etc it just didn't fit. So i came back home. I am angry now. I called my grandpa and he called her and said he wants to mediate the discussion between us tonight. so at 5:30 ill see what the future holds. I am still depressed but there isn't anything more i can do but wait. In a way i dont want it to work out.

Added after 1 hours 4 minutes:

quarter to 5. cant think straight. do i want this?

being suicidal is great..not.

im left with no one. i dont know what i can do. im at my grandparents but only til sunday. after that then it looks like i am done. ive asked him to get me a motel room for the night. my intentions are bad. im not going on the streets on monday. thats not an option. feeling alone sucks and every minute i dont get any human contact i slip further and further in. i thought i might get a nice pm or something telling me good luck. nope.

looks like i am moving. on monday im moving in with a friend for a month or so, i hope longer. i just need to get away. ive lived here my entire life and this place will give me freedom. im still at my grandparents. its alright here but just too many memories. i dont like it here much either. it sounds weird but there are 5 guns in this house, i dont like that. the one good thing is there is a stocked licquor cabinet full of different brands of whisky rum and vodka. ill probably snatch one when i leave. ill have to work today n tomorrow. i need to get the money in that ive had coming in from multiple sources to see what ive got. i think im doing pretty well. im making the situation out to be dire because i am so unsure but if i plan things right then im golden hopefully.

You are probably checking here for some sort of a statement regarding the whole blessed warrior thing. I am not going to say much bout that except its not exactly fair when no effort is made to contact me. You probably want to know if i stole the gear?

WENT TO FAST
OUTTA LUCK
I DON'T GIVE A f-

you'll never know.

Buckchery's new album came out today. I must say i am REALLY digging it. Probably best album of 06 so far.

Well ive been out of the house 2 weeks now. Im still not exactly sure what ima doin'. ive been applying for jobs and i even submitted a business plan to start up a summer business with a $3,000 grant from the government. I talked to mom once and left her a message yesterday. im looking forward to getting out on my own. im ready to kick the shit out of the world and take all the money i can.

hey your crazy bitch but you f- so good im ontop of it.

things never cease to amaze me. its strange how far things can come in a period of months. i look back on the people i know now vs then. i think back to my intial impression of people. i remember the first day i was nervous, waiting for the bus. there was a guy and looking at him it kinda went through my head he looks like a cool guy. low and behold he was in my class. infact im staying at his place right now. knowing these people has introduced me to a world of drug addiction and sex. things i never thought id do ive done. i am a sinner.

ive decided its time for an image change. i might post some pictures. im changing my hair color and dropping the glasses for colored contacts.

im stayin with one of two friends over this month. my one friend lives an hour north of me so i only spend the week with him. the other friend i spend the weekends with so i can work.

well i am, i am. here i cum, i cum.
imma just gonna get next ta you
imma gonna get close to u
wouldn't want me have ta hurt ya too
hurt ya too

i ain't, i ain't
a buyin' in ta ur apathy
imma gonna learn ya my philosophy
ya wanna know bout atrocity, atrocity

--------------------------------------

what a lonely day. first easter i have ever spent alone. my friend has dissapeared probably out with his family for easter, not bothering to tell me about it. so ive sat here all day. doing nothing. i talked to a friend for a bit, thats about it. i did dye my hair like i mentioned. i think it looks really good and it suits me. well im going to raid his fridge in revenge.

I got this blessed view
Late night working avenue
Never had a chance to love you
Never want to see you cry
Thank god it's quitting time
f- me harder kill the lights
Never had a chance to love you
Never want to see you cry
Never had a chance to love you
Hard cock nasty mind
Yeah
Well come on
Take off your clothes and shut the door
Pornagraphic monster on the floor
That's what you like, I'll come some more
Don't you know we f- for money
I'm a big dick
Mother f-
Porno star
In my face, on top again
Dead lay lover never wins
Never had a chance to love you
Never want to see you cry
The best f- you'll ever have
Good job from a working man
Never had a chance to love you
Never want to see you cry
Never had a chance to love you
Hard cock suicide
Yeah
Well come on
Do you like that baby?

It's amazing how people change. Time changes. People die, time dies. One month has altered my perception of everything so much. I was pulled out of my comfortable element and i have had to live as other people live. i have had to be modest. my excessive tastes and behaviors wouldn't work here. I have learned alot. I have gained alot of oppourtunity aswell. Things are coming my way because I asked for them. Im still shaping myself into what i want to be but i can feel that im getting closer to what i am meant to be.

Learning to live. Thats what im doing. so many ups, so many downs. im more tempted to jump into synthetic bliss then ever before. May12th i am going to see Guns N' Roses! I bought a ticket to the FIRST show the band is doing at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York city. Shall be an amazing trip.... take trip and think an alternate meaning. ive got interesting intentions after the concert....


ohh
whoa

Well things have been slow. Im racking up my creditcard so i can go see GNR, to me its worth it. Getting the bus tickets friday. Buying contacts tuesday, then im getting me a super sexy pair of sunglasses. matrix esque ones, hawt stuff. its going to be slamming evening at the concert, imma have never looked better. ill have to document some of it with my camera phone and post some shots.

im not that happy here. i hope i have some fun in the next couple days, sitting here sucks. no booze, no drugs. i cant really do what i want either. im just planning the concert. poor credit card

It's been a long time since I did a big entry, but then again It's been a long time since I was home. Im still staying with my one friend. He finally can drop the idea of ever getting back with his girlfriend so living here has been a bit more manageable. I pretty much do as I want which in a way sucks. He works a fair bit and this isn't my house. I don't have any of my things around so I can't be blasting my favorite CDs, screaming my lungs out. I can't get ready and head downtown for the night. I theroritically could however this is a sh!thole town of about 1900 people. Not exactly my idea of fun. I could find some wiggers and indians downtown at around 12am. I have come to appriciate what I had. I love the town where I live. I never thought I did but its where I connect. Its my stomping ground. Its a city of about 125,000 people, a huge majority being college and university students from out of town. You can find pretty much anything downtown (drugs, booze, hookers). Here you go downtown and you'll find wiggers wanting to have a fist fight or some white trash dude selling oregano as weed. I don't feel connected here. At home I feel it running in my veins. It's What im all about. Fast living and doing what the f- you want.

I am not too sure how long im staying here. In a way I want to leave but in a way i don't. Living here has taught me alot. I see people trying to eek out an honest living. I see people struggeling. Then I blow in and cook everything up. They definatly are not used to someone like me around. My friend has commented at the amount of money I throw around and how I always seem to have more where that came from. How if i want something i can get it. I find everything really easy, especially money. Who wants to work to achieve your goals? See what you can do to make it happen sooner. Do business. Everyone has something someone else wants.

I decided I was going to built my own computer. I figured I would save from september til january-february. 4 days later I had all the money and bought the parts? Why? I did business. I talked it over with my grandpa. I was then able to secure over $3,200. I see where i can get money. This summer i can get $2,500, then earn $5,100. I can also pull 12 hours a week at my current job and earn another $1700 at my current job thus netting me $8,000 for not doing much. I throw that at my grandpa and he holds it to september. I apply for student loans and am awarded $14,000 based on my current situation of having no money left. Anything about $8,000 you don't pay back. Boink i now have $12,000 to live on from september-april and im still earning $150 a week. If i had a word of advice to people is that there is always programs out there for students. Take advantage of em! Your only poor if you want to be. I don't believe in working my ass off for nothing. I don't do much and i net myself a decent amount of cash.

Guns N f- Roses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still can't believe im going. i bought my bus ticket today, $220 for a roundtrip to new york city from the 11th-13th. I leave at 6:55 and get into quebec at around 10:30, leave there at 12 and get to NY at around 7:15. In quebec the drinking age is 18 so ill be smashed off my ass. Sober up at dunkin doughnuts in the morning then head over to mustang harry's for a big party before the concert. Have a nice big steak with french fries and go to the show. Get out and catch the 12:01 bus back to kingston. This concert is actually a really big deal. Unless your a true fan or you paid big bucks then your not getting in. This is the first show Axl has done in around 5 years. There is alot of speculation who the new guitarist for the band is going to be. It could be John5 who has played with everyone and is my personal favorite. It could be buckethead still, or even someone like michael angelo batio who is a shredding machine. Also many indicators point to this being THE gig where Axl tells the world that chinese democracy is coming out soon. IF it is then the gig will be legandary as its probably the most anticipated album in history.

Well im going to go pack some lines away, party time.

after this last month i feel lucky to be alive. i havn't exactly been gentle on myself. mentally ive been pretty up and down. ive also been more excesive then normal. ive lost like 15 pounds up to this point. im down to around 144 from 157-160. fasting and appetite supressors aren't fun. I have went days and days and days without eating this month and it hurts like a f- when no one cares. One friend said he would buy breakfast one morning. What does he do? Buys something for himself and eats it infront of me. Then around the end of the day he buys himself two slices of pizza and eats in front of me. Its hard to believe how many people are out ta fukin get me. I am ready to kick these assholes in the face and take what is mine. I am not going to be told anymore. Havn't written in awhile.


You live your life like it's a coma
So won't you tell me why we'd wanna
With all the reasons you give it's
It's kinda hard to believe
But who am I to tell you that I've seen
any reason why you should stay
Maybe we'd be better off without you anyway


You got a one way ticket
On your last chance ride
Gotta one way ticket
To your suicide
Gotta one way ticket
An there's no way out alive
An all this crass communication
That has left you in the cold
Isn't much for consolation
When you feel so weak and old
But is home is where the heart is
Then there's stories to be told
No you don't need a doctor
No one else can heal your soul


Got your mind in submission
Got your life on the line
But nobody pulled the trigger
They just stepped aside
They be down by the water
While you watch 'em waving goodbye
They be callin' in the morning
They be hangin' on the phone
They be waiting for an answer
When you know nobody's home
And when the bell's stopped ringing
It was nobody's fault but your own
There were always ample warnings
There were always subtle signs
And you would have seen it comin'
But we gave you too much time
And when you said that no one's listening
Why'd your best friend drop a dime
Sometimes we get so tired of waiting
For a way to spend our time
An "It's so easy" to be social
"It's so easy" to be cool
Yeah it's easy to be hungry
When you ain't got shit to lose
And I wish that I could help you
With what you hope to find
But I'm still out here waiting
Watching reruns of my life
When you reach the point of breaking
Know it's gonna take some time
To heal the broken memories
That another man would need
Just to survive

Last chance ride

Im gonna die inside your dirty f- mind

Im out of here! Sunday my grandpa is coming to pick me up and get all of my belongings. Taking me back home. I can start building on what I want. I have 100% freedom in my life now. I can come and go as I please. Hell, she is ok with me going to NYC for an entire weekend! I know that means she has got over the idea she can control where I go. Ill have my own bed again. My kitty cat. My own computers and videogames. My own food. Ill get back to being me which is all I want.

Got a call from St. Lawrence College saying they are going to hire me for the database admiral position I did an interview for. Its not going to be alot of hours, around 25-35, but its going to be good money and I will be happy doing it. I will be all by myself in my own office. I am going to have my OWN office! How cool is that!? I don't have to stand on my feet for minimum wage anymore. I just can't believe I got it. I am going to be the admiral for the alumni office. They keep a record of all past graduates and need someone to ensure accuracy of their records and manually change the records based on the new info people submitted. Its a pretty important database. Horrah!

You can't refuse and you just can't choose.

Back home tomorrow. Got all my stuff packed. Can't wait. I have a ton of laundry to do, I have pretty much been wearing the same clothes for a month. f- disgusting, but I can't exactly be demanding if I want to stay now can I? I'll just take a nice long shower tomorrow and do like 4 loads of laundry.

Got lots of shit to do. Need to get ready for the concert. Pick up contacts monday. Get new sunglasses. Gotta make my way out to the fed ex office and RMA this shitty thumbdrive that has all my work from 1st year on it. Damn thing died.

My idol just did an interview on a NY radio station with sabastien bach. was really cool to hear that voice again. he said "democracy" will be out in the fall. the only thing i didn't like that was said is that they just wrote another song. i hope he doesnt fall into a cycle where it never happens. i might know more on friday, hard to say.

Back to the fact im going home. Thats where I feel my pulse is. I hate leaving the town after school as this town has no pulse. No people. No action. No scene. There is literally nothing here. I like big dynamic places. There is always action to be had. I can't even buy anything I want here.

why should you get mad as hell?

2 entries in one day, wow. Nothing has really changed but I am looking to waste time. I am glad to be out of here but I didn't like the "see ya" as I shall call it. Friend decides to hit the sack. Says a few works like do I need a ride home tomorrow (no) and thats it. Walks out of the room, says night to his dad and thats that. He probably expected me to be greatful and show my gratitude to him. I would if his dad wasn't a f- cock and wanted $250 from me to stay here. Even when I wasn't eating or costing him anything but water he wanted that much. Mind you I am worth a fair bit so it wasn't a problem but I was expecting either a fair amount or a small amount and I provide for myself. So I have been a glutton but in a modest way. I have been feasting on anything expensive thats around. Drinking jug after jug of milk. It's cost him over 250 for me to live here. Hell, I have been here over a month. I am damn sure going to get what I paid for.

I hate the way my friend is. He has taken karate for years and years. A few times he will be showing me something and do a minor move with no power behind it and it seriously hurts. I have been forced to sleep in the same bed (sucks ass, not literally ). I know his reflexes. You make a minor move and he will strike. His girlfriend jumped at him a specific way one time and he nearly broke her wrist. Last thing I need is him attacking me for entering his room. I know he shuts his door so he has warning if someone is trying to come in. Doesn't make me feel comfortable about going to bed. There isn't much I could do to defend myself. I am a fairly strong guy, but he has an extreme amount of power. I know some karate but that doesn't help much VS a black belt.

What we have here is fear and power that can make a way out of knowing.

Well im back in town. I realize why I miss it so much
didn't do much that was meaningful but i sorted through alot of my crap. made some promises to myself and spent $55. thats that. au revoir, i have a date with some white.

can't stop drinking gonna die

I had a scary dream last night (im being serious, not leading you down the garden path). I had a dream of having a cocaine problem but I got some weird feelings out of it. I hate these sort of haunting dreams and thoughts. I will dispell the rumor. I have only done weed and DXM. I am extremely tempted to do cocaine and I think I know where to find it. It seems the more I avoid it the more my mind wanders in that direction. Maybe its something I have to understand, who knows. Ill do my best and I will do what I feel is right. If I did try it I could only do it once, its FAR to expensive to ever get addicted too.

started my new job today. what an awesome job. I can come and go as I want. I can work the hours I want. If I want I could only go monday tuesday wednesday one week, thursday friday the next week. I could work weekends etc. I have my own office and fridge. Its a typical office and it rocks.

The job is easy too. We have a stack of records that need to be processed. Its probably greater then 10,000 at this point at the database is quite big. Probably totaling around 200,000 records (my previous guess of 60,000 was way off)

pornograph is the face in my nightmares
bloody tears baby im right here

hellow my faithful.

been home for about an hour and a half now. I tried to stop myself but i went to the bank and took out $100 american, my intentions are bad. i am going to do my best to stay away from everything but it is the big apple after all..

enough of that, im going to see a concert not f- my mind up. its probably my anger thats making me want to go something as i am pretty angry right now.

why should you get mad as hell?
my friends keep asking me
are you ok man your eyes are blazing
i cant get over it
this sh!it is killing me
my body is aching
hands are shaking

im coming down on the line
whisky in the morning one more time
smoke that cigarette colt 45
whisky in the morning
cant stop drinking gonna die

don'tcha just want to hate?


that's the sort of mood im in. i hate my friends sometime. a buddy gets online and starts volunteering how he f- some girl last night. i get sick of that shit. if i get laid i don't run around and brag about it. so i proceeded to give him a sort of lecture and he seemed to get the message loud and clear, i hope. i basically told him he is inexperienced and a dumbass, but that one day he could learn to harness more power and respect. i also bashed his pornstar urges that make no difference. such as cuming on someones face or even asshole for that matter. i see that shit as degrading and just a sideshow. its not real and it is degrading. i would never ask a girlfriend to do that shit, nor would i if she asked.

i just got thinking about music. i love when you hear a song and it takes you back. i got listening to creep by stone temple pilots. i remember when i bought a copy of Core. i started singing creep and after i was done my mom steped in from the next room and said that was the most mournful vocal she had ever heard and i had a gift for it. my singing "career" kinda started there.

2 hours before i leave, whoo. guns n roses here i come!

Just getting home from NY, planning a gigantic post. The concert was beyond unbelievable. More to come tomorrow

Well alot of you know I was going to NYC to see GNR this weekend so I figured I would doucment my trip.

The bus ride there was around 16 hours long. Got off without a hitch until the border. We waited about an hour to get in and of course some people had to f- around so it took them like 2 hours to do what ever they had to do. It took me like 35 seconds to clear.

Got into NY around 9:30, had around 10 hours to kill before the concert. I wandered down to the venue, then madison square garden. I spent the next 6 hours wandering around checking out the sites (times square, trump tower, soup nazi place, central park etc). I walked down to the concert around 2:00. The line wasn't that big, 100 people at that point. I met some cool people in line and we sat around chatting until the concert started. Nothing eventful happened during the wait. This rabbi kept walking by every 5 minutes as he seemed confused by us. The venue finally opened at 8:00. I sprinted in and was standing front row just left of the central part of the stage. There were 3 people in wheel chairs next to me. I was kinda like WTF!? disabled people in the general admission area of a Guns concert.... thats smart!.

Bullet for my Valentine was opening. They came on around 9. Holy balls did they suck majorly. After the curtain came up you had to run like 5 feet to the baracade. The disabled people ended up behind me. I was hanging on to the baracade for life. Some dude shoves me and says "Hey f-, let them go ahead of you." I turned around said f- off buddy and kept clinging. He then tried to reef me off the baracade but I just took my free hand and shoved him off (tiny guy). My 2 friends I met there were also telling the guy to f- off. I did let them go ahead and I stood the left of em, although no f- way should have they been there (more on that later).

Guns came on around an hour after that bullet band. They f- killed it! I must say, Axl can f- sing again. He sounds way better then he ever has been, even back in '87. Axl was 5 feet infont of me. I was screaming my f- guts out. I feel sorry for the dude infront of me. He wasn't a guns fan at all and I was singing the lyrics as hard as I could right behind his head.

Sebastian Bach was standing 2 feet behind me! That was the coolest thing ever. He looked like a f- god. Axl pulled him onstage for a song and it was amazing. The guitar player jumped into the crowd 3 times. The one time was near me so I was pushing as hard as I could to get towards him. I got close but no cigar. I realized the disabled people got shoved somewhere so I was back at the baracade. The show ended but guns came out for a paradise city encore. holy f- that was cool. Confetti went off, pyro was going off, fireworks were going off. The lights went down and I went chasing after Bach as I wanted to shake his hand but he was long gone.

I now had 8 hours til my bus and no hotel room. I tried to get into a few afterparties that were advertised as all ages but they weren't. Wandering around I got offered cocaine and numerous other drugs. Seen alot of addicts and lots of crazy f- up people. I went and sat at the port authority for like 10 minutes and a dude comes up and introduces himself. He then asked if I wanted girls, I said not interested. He then asks me if I "wanted anything". I just laughed at him. He then asked for 2 bucks so he can run down the street for 10 minutes, saying he will bring me back a soda. I laughed again and he wandered off. I decided I would spend the night down in the port authority as there are cops around.

Here are some pics. Security was pissed I was taking pictures, kept trying to snatch my phone.














(bumblefoot, new guitarist)

This weekend is a big victoria day camping trip with a bunch of friends and alot of booze. Gonna be alot of fun and I think im getting off free aswell, huzzah. Havn't been able to work much this week, HR dept has been holding my check so I havn't been able to go in. I can officially start working tomorrow. Even though I have done 20 hours so far.

not sure if i should do this bullshit camping trip. the guy im going with is who i stayed with last month. all in all i spent over $700 staying there. im still pissed off at how i got f- staying there. ive learned my lesson though. i tried to be cool and help out then boink, give $250 for the month. bullshit. it could be a free campign trip though...

Still nothing bout the camping trip. If i don't go its a weekend of sleep. If i do go its a weekend of booze and being f- up.

signed a contract at work today. this means i am now on salary. alot of you asked what ill be doing. right now i have a stack of 3500-4000 tracer forms. these are printed records of all the addresses of people that the office has lost contact with. i am looking for new contact information for these people. once i find this stuff the other people that work there give them a call and fill out a new information sheet so i can then update the record and remove them from the list. alot of these people are hard to track down, half of the time all i have is a 2 or 3 year old phone number thats out of service.

I have moved to another venue permanently. I hope my faithful will follow me to www.chinesedemocracy.wordpress.com

It's been quite some time since I've posted here. Worthwhile break I would say. It has been a long four months so far this summer but a good time none the less. Its a season for changing. I realized what an angry fellow I had become and I believe that's been turned around. It's only healthy for so long. Sure I'll never loose my edge as that's part of me.

Tuesday is my 19th birthday so I will finally be legal, I am looking forward to it. Going out wednesday then a weekend camping trip as a sort of celebration. I hope i'll post a wee bit more, if the energy is right anything goes.

Tomorrow is the big 19. Looks like I am going out with a friend to some clubs tomorrow, then a sportsbar wednesday then a big weekend camping trip. Gonna be an excessive time. I don't know what's happening tomorrow. That's part of the fun I find is it could blow up in my face. It's on the edge of not even happening. So is wednesday. I like to call it organized chaos.

Reading through this journal makes me realize how being my age can make you seem so schizophrenic. So many ups and downs, ins and outs.

Work is boring. I get paid to do nothing. My boss took a 4 week break so my job is very limited but I still get my full 40 hours a week so I can't complain.

Had a good weekend. 5 of us went camping as a sort of birthday celebration. All went well until the last night. One guy got very aggressive and broke a bottle and was threatening people with it. He finally droped it but he almost got his ass beat. He was aggressive with everyone and kinda ruined the trip. oh well, it was fun anyway.

I find myself listening to more experamental music lately. I find my taste is changing to go more towards electronic music. I am in love with Nine Inch Nails at the moment. Alot of their stuff has such a good groove while still feeling hard rock.

I have been doing some reasearch into bi-polar disorder and I am starting to think that I could definatly be bi-polar. I see alot of the typical symptoms in myself. Earlier in the summer I spent a period debating the best ways to kill myself. Nothing was really wrong either, It was just sheer boredom and lonliness. If i had some sort of event coming up I was alright. Even the massive amounts of money I have been making have done nothing for me. It has fueled my addiciton for clothes but thats about it. The guy I lived with for awhile was always really boring. He never wanted to do anything. I kinda got in with his group of friends and got invited camping twice. I have been hanging around his one friend a fair bit and I talk to him almost daily. Now I have been finding I have things to do. This weekend I might be going to wonderland and then to washington state in december. Thats wild to me. Im used to my group of friends never wanting to do anything, this is gonna rock. When my mind is idle the bipolarity kicks in. I always feel it but I keep my eye on it now. Its easy to control now that I see it.

Finally made a new sig. Its a far more stylized piece then ive ever done. im quite proud of it. i still love nin .

GNR concert coming soon, cant wait.

Thats all!

Had an amazing weekend. Spent it in my original hometown of Toronto. We went to this gigantic amusement park for 2 days. Hit up every single cool ride and then went downtown for some fun. We are planning a roadtrip in the begining of september, can't wait.

Things couldn't be that much better at the moment. I just feel in a frame of mind I havn't been in for a long time. I am busy doing things with a new group of friends. Work sucks f- ass but I could care less. One guy I work with I have had enough of. He doesn't show half of the time and there are projects that need to get done and I have no idea what he has done up to this point so I've decided to say f- you and not even bother with him. I'll do shit myself.

Found out a distant uncle died today. Not sure if I'll go the funeral. I just hate the energy at such a place, nothing comforting about it what so ever and I barely knew the guy. He went outside to do soemthing and died out in one of his fields on his farm. I think he was 68.

This weekend sucks. I had to blow off hanging with friends this weekend so I can spend the weekend trying to work things out with my mom. I blew her off last weekend but I can't exactly do that again this weekend. If we don't fix a few things I'll prolly move out when I get the chance, in a way its what I want. Since i've come back nothing has really changed.

Rough night. I agreed to watch a movie with my mom but I got invited out. Sounds no biggy but I hate saying no. The movie was terrible and I kinda felt like watching it was a lost cause. My mind tries to convince me that Oh, now I won't be invited out to do anything. The entire night was spent making jokes about me bla bla. I had a couple drinks just so my f- mind would turn off. There isn't much question now, I am bipolar. I don't need some shrink to tell me that. Nor am I gonna see out medication. I was made this way so it's my destiny to deal with it. At one point I was thinking of going and taking out as many credit cards and lines of credit as possible. Taking that money and buying the most expensive shotgun possible. I am not insane enough to do it but boy that would be an arrogant excessive way to go out. Im going to see that new will farrel movie with a friend so that helps, im loved .

Well I had a good weekend for once. Spent it going to a friends after spending that saturday with my mom. I am going back over tonight. Aslong as I keep busy my stupid f- mind doesn't bother me. Work is boring like usual but now I've gotta show up. Yesterday I didn't show up til around 1 oclock and I found out my contract was threatened. 3 of us didn't show up for the record and he said to the one guy he doesn't have to cover for us and that we might not have jobs in september. it sounds like an empty threat but i'm not taking any risks. so im here at 830 even though the boss isnt around. his secretary is back from holidays monday so i will actually have work to do. im gonna be the first one here cracking on the stack of updates that she will have. if i play my cards right the one guy will be getting fired or will quit. he never shows up and when he does he does nothing at all. the one other guy takes pot breaks so i could get him fired too.

A bit more about him. My nose is really sensitive to pot for some reason, I can pick it up a mile away. This guy reaks of it when he dissapears for 5 minutes. His dealer shows up here every so often to sell him pot and hash. he will use msn and say things like 4 black, i know that means 4 grams of hash and i have even said i know what the f- your doing. yet he still tries to hide it. the sad thing is that this guy is 38 or so. f- fag.

toodles for now

I can't stop thinking about music. Anymore it's all I think about. Its rare when there is 5 minutes where there isn't music playing. Everywhere I go I have my mp3 player. One day I plan to take vocal lessons and understand therory more indepth than I do. I am constantly reworking songs in my head. Adding guitar parts. Fiddling with vocal tones, guitar tones, whatever it may be. I know a great song when I hear one as I don't want to mess with it at all. Sure i'd mess with it to make it my own but not redoing an the entire guitar mix as I sometimes find myself doing in my head.

I've been listening to Jeff Buckley lately and god, he is amazing. Such a shame he died at such a young age. In a way he is one of the most overlooked artists of the 90s. I also wanted to rant about post humorous releases. I think its pathetic that record companies try to cash out after someone passes on by releasing unfinished songs and tracks and even in some cases gets other artists to finish off the work. Dumb f-.