Xentales

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 16 Dec 2006 16:49 
While since I posted. That friend of mine has gone a bit crazy. All he does is want to drink now and he did some weird mushrooms i didnt care to ask about. i've just kinda withdrawn from the situation as i know its best for me to stay away from that energy. its not tempting to do drugs or any shit like that, its just that energy has such a desperation. i dont care to help them deal with any problems they have as they dont give a flying f- about me.

I do have one friend i talk to daily. He is probably the only person outside of my CLOSE family i trust. He has helped me through depression and the period where I was discovering I was bipolar. Anytime i need to talk he is around. We go to the same school but he is in a different program so we cant hang out alot but do whenever we can. For all his selflessness I do plan on buying him a car at some point in the future, something really nice. I love being generous but being generous to those around me means nothing to them and its not even reciprocated.

Thats another thing i have problems with is people not doing ANYTHING for you whatsoever. Im always thinking of ways i can be of use or do something for someone, however with them i always have to ask. Its rare they say hey, how about ill take you there? hey, how about ill go? etc. it doesn't have to involve money, i've got enuff of that. i dont care if i pay for everything some of the time.

I got thinking about hurricane katrina and bush the other day. That guy makes no sense in the world, Thus here you go.


you can a look a hurricane right in the eye
1200 people dead or left to die
follow the leaders
if it's eye for an eye we'll all be blind
death for murder and this i'm sure in this uncertain time

so come pull the sheet over my eyes
so i can sleep tonight
despite what i've seen today
i find you guilty of a crime, of sleeping at a time
when you should have been wide awake

down on the road the world is floating by
the poor and undefended left behind
while you're somewhere trading lives for oil
as if the whole world were blind, hey

so come pull the sheet over my eyes
so i can sleep tonight
despite what i've seen today
i find you guilty of a crime of sleeping at a time
when you should have been wide awake

come pull the sheet over my eyes
so i can sleep tonight
despite what i've seen today
i find you guilty of a crime of sleeping at a time
when you should have been wide awake
wide awake! wide awake! wide awake! wide awake!


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 17 Dec 2006 03:03 
5 pages quite nice.

i know this guy named john, quite an asshole. thats all the explanation needed.

Say farewell, g'night, Sonny-Jim,
In your defenseless, winning smile.
What do you hope to win?
And bliss face down, defended.
Well, now stoned Demon John
There's no town the boy cannot belong

Why did you come here?
Is it to excavate all your sins? Boil within?
Slaughter like the daughter of the devil you send me.
I have to deal, you called me here.
You couldn't say that you were juiced
The night that you were introduced
To Demon John
Gonna take him with you when you go?
Dance down slow. Oh, way down.
You cannot escape the bar-side angel dissector
You undo you life with too much cocoon,
who's your protector?
Dark is the city where the white girls walk by,
Down below your eyes, just like fireflies.
You call me here, come on here, follow me dear,
Past cascades of rage and fear.
You called me here.
You couldn't say that you had been juiced
The time that you were introduced to Demon John.
Well, you knew you had to want to go , dance down slow.
By the light of the sun, murder comes
Today or tonight
Better get yourself and transcend it,
or burst of light
Blaze stars into me,
while the love breaks through here and now.
So, murder by the light of the sun.
Please don't get too close to me.
You said you are for real, it's not pretend.
All memories stolen, know this for yourself.
How would you like to be the happiest man in the world?
Behind the weathered field hands, whose blistered
paws
Harvest cut, for wedding clothes they'll never wear,
Marching down a road that was never there.
It takes place on a sunlit face and the backbone broken.
Please bring us light, Demon John, You Demon John.
Take him with you when you go.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 19 Dec 2006 21:59 
I thought about making this post all in french after my confusion at a certain someones recent post *cough below my journal atm*. However I laughed as it's f- bullshit. If you want to speak in German, then post on German forums.

I've started being more cautious with money lately. I don't really have to be but I decided it's a wise skill to have. One day having alot means I will have alot to take care of. I want it to go to good use and not be squandered on petty things. I've been alot more generous to people who deserve it lately. I know this one guy at school who is 40 and doesn't have much to his name, but he is dedicated to his 2 kids and is going back to school to get a decent career. I gave him a brand new remote control car as his son wanted one for Xmas. His son also wants to play videogames but they don't have a home console. I was thinking about giving him my old N64 or Gamecube and a bunch of games. It's just good karma and does some good for someone else.

I also have plans to volunteer my time to help develop applications for non profit companies during the school year. Maybe non profit websites if that's what they need help with. I want to do something useful for someone else who can use it and will also pay it forward when they can. I don't have to worry about money so I want to use it for some good.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 21 Dec 2006 03:42 
I don't like breaks from school. Idle time gives my brain more time to think. I woke up today feeling horrible (mentally) like no one in the world gave a f- about me. since break i really havnt heard from anyone. i know they are working and such (lucky i dont have to) but still, i've talked to NO ONE. im dreading new years eve, i hope i have something to do.

one friend i used to hang out with hasnt talked to me in weeks. we went out and some dude grabbed me as he was moving by. i got pissed and he said what? i said some guy grabbed me. he said so? so then i proceded to demonstrate what the guy did. it wasnt gay or anything like that but he gave me the dirtiest look i've ever seen for around 10 seconds. we talked slightly that night but not much before i left. i figured it was nothing.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 23 Dec 2006 02:56 
Just reading "2 Left Eyes" journal, wow he plans on being a huge douche. If it doesn't work then figure out a way to break it, don't be a dick. 2 wrongs never make right.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 23 Dec 2006 02:56 
The ghost comes to visit
With my keys in his pocket
Kisses on my mouth
With his eyes hanging out of his sockets
Memories crumbling
Under steel resistance
I was torn out like pages
From the book of existence

I woke up in a strange place
music so loud that I spilled all my beer
I made a call from my black death cab
Some destination was moving on in
And I remember words that you told me
Now they come down so hard, so plain
Fate is gonna find your love
In a glass of champagne

Love came calling
As a counterfeit mistress
Stealing from the pockets
Of a sadomasochist
And she's mouthing for this place
Like a tongue on crystal meth
Her cigarette smell
I can feel inside my chest

I woke up in a strange place
My mind a blur and some red on my chin
I made a ride in that black death cab
Some destination was moving on in
Easy now, this car is speeding up
For my last chance crashing to freedom
Fate is gonna find your love
in a glass of champagne

Sweat pours down,
you're in the back seat sleeping
And she waits by the window
From my empty bed weeping
And the ghost guns the motor
to the promised land he promised you
I guess this is the time
When my best intentions become accidents

Well, this is my story for the dislocated
You're gonna love, but you're doomed to be hated
Because the lies of the spirit possessed her!
Because the eyes of your lover resist you
Listen up, you keep your aim steady
As your temple turns to kiss the pistol
Fate is gonna find your love
In a glass of champagne


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 25 Dec 2006 03:11 
Happy Holidays to everyone. I love this time of year more then any other. Christmas means everythign to me. It's time to enjoy time with family, give and recieve. Everyone puts down their guard at Christmas. One thing I have always hated is I get up in the morning and have Xmas at home with my mom. Once that is done we go out to my grandparents and have another xmas there. Then have supper and go home. The ride home is always extrmely sad. It's always dark out and you look back at the house and watch the xmas lights fade away for another year. I could have been given $500,000 but its always the same.

Tonight I'm just sitting here, relaxing and munching on flax seed til I catch a few hours sleep before it all starts.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 26 Dec 2006 02:38 
I had an awesome Christmas. One I'll never forget. It wasn't exactly about all the cool stuff I got, it was spending time with family. Had an excellent christmas morning with my mom. She is awesome at getting gifts that are thoughtful and tailored to me. It's not some random stuff. Got this nifty neon guitar light. I love anything guitar themed. My nana got me a guitar ornament, well its not exactly guitar. It's a cello. I don't care, I still think its awesome. I got $700 in christmas money. I don't know what to spend it on. $300 was given for the intentions of an Mp3 Player but i am not sure what else to get.

I really enjoyed playing pool with my grandpa. I actually beat him a game when he is a fantastic player. I don't think I'll ever forget this day. I felt a tad on the manic side all day, but it was just enough to keep me energized with 2 hours of sleep.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 26 Dec 2006 15:34 
Anymore I definatly feel like I am getting older and more mature in some aspects. When it comes to money I currently have close to $1,000 in my wallet. I havn't spent any of it. I spent the giftcards I got but you have to spend them at that store anyway. My style is also getting older. I am starting to wear more mature brands of clothing like point zero, guess etc. I like to wear a solid color t shirt (maybe with a graphic) and a nice dress shirt/over shirt. A year ago I just wore nothing but levis. Also things like giving back. Now I am always thinking of how I can help or who would like a specific item I have no use for.

Today I blocked two of my good friends from my MSN and removed them from my contacts. I need to start and protect myself a little more. I am a generous guy to my friends, its just the way I am. However I need to protect myself from these people as all they do is take take take and never give back. It doesn't have to be to me but atleast not being greedy. Time to protect my future a bit. Kinda weed those people out.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 27 Dec 2006 23:45 
I can't stop thinking about next semester. The first 2 weeks are gonna be killer. Not doing anything with that one friend is gonna be hard to answer for. He isn't exctly one to take hints. However It's gonna be good for me as I need to get back to what I do.

Example:

After school we went down to the comp lab and did some homework. I finished 2 hours before him but waited around and helped til I got a ride home. Later in the week I was slightly confuzed by the way something was worded and asked him to read it and say what he thought, his exact words were "I don't give a f- about your exercise."

He also seems to taunt me daily with his latest drug or alcohol habit. I could care less but I find it very strange the way he does it. He will go on all day about it if he can. Asking me like 5 times if I can smell it etc. I have 0 use for alcohol or drugs. A few of the guys in my program are like 35-45. The one bought 4 40s of vodka and said he was going to drink the entire week because of assignments etc that had piled up until the break. When it comes to me I had been slightly stressed with all the assignments and wanted a break. Within 2 days of being done I had wanted to go back and keep going. I don't need these 3 week breaks to keep going.

We did go to the gym alot. However as soon as the break hit, I have yet to talk with him once. Gives no one a single thought in the world. It's fairly obvious to people i've got some money. He asked me the one day if I am going to ever do something for him when I inheret everything. I just said I wont know you in 20 years. I need new friends.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 01 Jan 2007 04:08 
Tonight was pretty damn cool.

I went out for new years supper with my mom, it was really good. we had a good time and some laughs. after we came home i had agreed to go play a small opening gig with a band called mellonhead

http://www.myspace.com/mellonheadband

The band is actually pretty good but the singer is lame. I got in touch and auditioned and they liked my stuff so we got an opening gig at a comedy club tonight. It was great to be back on stage but it wasn't wicked or anything. I flubbed a few verses due to not enough rehersal and was off on some cues but other then that it gets a 7/10. I think there was some recording going on, I'll throw some audio up if it's decent quality.

I should mention it's just a small cover band project at the moment. I'm still trying to find my legs for it as its been so long since i've jammed with any band. I had a fair amount of trouble with higher notes, probably coming down with a cold. On the song 'Hungerstrike' at the end 2 singers swap verses with one singer ascending into what I think is the C above middle C (i'm probably wrong). I just couldn't get there, oh well. With enough rehersal and practice I HOPE I can hit the F# above middle C so I could tackle Buckley's Grace or So Real. Anyway, here's the setlist.

Wicked Garden - Stone Temple Pilots
Show Me How to Live - Audioslave
Hungerstrike - Temple of the Dog
Outshined - Soundgarden
Eternal Life - Jeff Buckley
Pillow of Your Bones - Chris Cornel
PornoStar - Buckcherry
It Doesn't Seem to Matter - Army of Anyone


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 02 Jan 2007 04:03 
Dealin' with BP has been getting a bit easier as time has gone on. I stick to what i've gotta do to control myself better. Eating well, avoiding alcohol or substances has gone a long way. Gotta regulate protein and carb intake etc but it all helps. i've been dealing with those friends of mine decently aswell. one called yesterday, i presumed to invite me out. i couldn't go anyway with the gig but it would be sweet to have my friends there, i would give it 150%. however they are assholes so i just didnt get the phone. normally i could never do that, i would always be 100% available for what everyone else wanted to do. It's just a small step. I've gotta get them into their proper corner so I have the control I should have.

It should never be presumed i would pay for something. NEVER. Last 5 times i've gone out i left all my money and cards at home. Taken cab money and $35 for whatever. If you ever have money, don't tell anyone. Even it you are the generous type like me, don't pay for things. It's not appriciated, it's expected. The only person who knows how much is sitting in my bank account is my friend Jason. If he walked up and asked me for $5,000 i'd just give it to him no questions asked. He would do the same aswell. That's the thing though, both of us have money so we mutually respect one another and see how people out there are just out to get us.

Going back to school i'm gonna present a bit of a new image. I've been perfecting some things about myself like my skin etc. I didn't have bad acne but i figured lets clear everything up. Cost me like $250 for all the stuff im using *grumble*. I also added some new stuff to my wardrobe with christmas money. I also got this cool silver ring from my grandpa for christmas. I had always been a fan of his wedding ring so he had something similar reproduced but in silver (its made of some metal called tungsteen carbide or something like that). It better be damn good metal considering he spent $800 on it.

Been playing wow a fair bit with jason. he is addicted and has like 5 60s in epics. I've just got one. Been working on finishing off my PVP set and HWL cleavers. DW shaman rule now, i shred faces.

Hrm, what else to talk about. Ah yes. Gonna jam with the band later in the week. Looking back i'm not sure how great the event actually was. Pretty damn good for our first performance without much practice but still, gotta see how well we gel before i get serious about it.

I've been training since may to better my voice and physical shape. I run around an hour a day, swim for an hour and then maybe do the elliptical if i've consumed a fair amount of callories.

school is only a week away. Get to look forward to takiing JCL and mainframe cobol. Yay! The only courses i am actually looking forward too is enterprise web development.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 08 Jan 2007 01:42 
Been a few days since my last post. I've opened this up a few times to make a post but I havn't been able to.

Tomorrow is back to school, well I suppose thats today now. I'm stressing out over going back. Not because of the work or anything, I love school deep down inside. It has a cozy feeling and I feel like I belong. It's f- john being there.

I hadn't talked to him in around 3 weeks. I decided to unblock and undelete him from msn as I was forced to. I've got the new beta version of messanger, apparently it doesn't block people. I blocked his roomate aswell. He messaged me yesterday despite being blocked. I clicked on his name and it said Block contact, not unblock. I clicked block, then it let me unblock. So he had seen me online. He sent me a message saying omg, where have you been. I ignored it and turned the comp off at 330 or so. I really just want to tell john f- off your a sociopath douchebag but then i've gotta deal with him being around for another year. I've also gotta get around somethings like him giving me a ride home. It's gonna take all my skill to pull it off, have him pullback yet remain on good terms. He doesn't take hints and I don't play nice. I'll probably get into a mood and not care and voice all my anger for him. I get to points where I have to do something no matter the consequences. It normally isn't worth it but I do it anyway.

I know another guy at school who is decent so I am going to draw him into the equation. Peter is a talkative guy, couldn't be nicer. He has issues but he is open and says this is me, like it or lump it. Even though I don't agree with his choices I can respect that and set it aside. He has never done anything to disrespect me nor step on my toes. Anytime i've helped him with school he offers money, which I decline. He always shows he is grateful.

It's defiantly gonna be rough getting away. The problems is the things I am doing he might follow me. I found I was being a bit too at ease with my friends, adorning the motto anything goes. I then realized anything I wanted to do was a "we'll see." I don't think I've ever been given a yes. They worry about $20 when they have no expense.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 10 Jan 2007 18:05 
I hate people that are afraid to show some weakness in themselves.That john guy spent 10 minutes today trying to convince me he isnt an alcoholic. I just talked about how useless I find alcohol etc and he agreed and then started saying he has only drank at home by himself once. Last semester I can remember 4 days in a row where he came in hung over from sitting at home drinking.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 22 Jan 2007 01:36 
My My, i've been slacking. Not a whole lot has happened. My bank account has goten fater, which is always a plus. I have done ok keeping the douchebags out of my life. He has been sneaking around behind me asking people 'why is brian acting weird? i used to give him a ride home'. Friday i hung out with him as i had to, i locked myself out of the house. being the way i have has been one of the hardest things i've done in a long time. its going against the way i am.

band is going really good, this could be leading somewhere. it feels more natural then my last attempt. they seem to like the same music i do and have no problem jamming to an obscure song i happen to like. i hope to get a cover of audioslave's number one zero recorded, awesome song.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 24 Jan 2007 13:28 
Long week like normal and its only wednesday. its hard to keep this people at arms length when they try to be around you so much. although im getting more experience dealing with it and getting some great inspiration for music so its all good.

i finally had the breakthrough i've been looking for and managed to get a good chunk of my COBOL assignment done. its hard for me to even approach this language let alone use the mainframe for it. but im getting better at it despite hating it so much.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: 29 Jan 2007 00:14 
White lemon days
Blue colored lines on your face
Devil in your best
Settling like death to the pain
Now loosening your grip
Feel the wheel slip from your hands
Walking the devil's dog
And carrying his groceries

I fell on black days
Fell on black days
How would I know that this would be my fate
White lemon days

Love steal the schemes
Drive around like spaceships on bald tires
Burn the mother's milk
So another fog is in line
Now getting the devil's kiss
And wipe the mothers kiss from my face
Keep a stiff upper lip
Spitting on my past to the pain

I fell on black days
Fell on black days
How would I know that this would be my fate
How would I know that this would be my fate
I fell on black days
I fell on black days
White lemon days


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PostPosted: 06 Feb 2007 11:04 
I normally don't come here and post that often anymore, howee right now I have a need to vent. I feel very off today and there is no real reason behind it. I had an awesome job interview yesterday but something about today. Being around that john guy anymore sets me off. I get pissed off, angry, whatever. I try to manipulate situations with subtle hints or gestures that never work and it leaves me feeling hopeless. All I want is for him to confirm he can be a decent guy. After class I have a big assignment to work on so I am curious to see if he will come anywhere near me. God when will this end, it drives me up the wall. Maybe ill just write some stuff here and forget about the stuff with him, it could help.

school is pretty relaxed right now. I've got a few assignments and tests but its nothing to bad at all. Got a 90% on my cobol assignment which is damn good as cobol is quite cumbersome. Ack i can't stop myself from still thinking, my mind has more then one track.

I've started trying to take my skills to the next level when it comes to manipulation. Im starting to get good at reading body language and the art of suggestion. If i want something I work terms into my sentence structures to help plant that seed there. I find it actually does help quite a bit but it allows me to say things without saying them at all.

The new job I hope I've got coming up is at a new tech company near my house. They have contracts to supply systems and networking to several large companies around the area. They need someone to kill the systems when they come back so they can be returned and considered to be off lease. It sounds like a really good job and it does pay well, not to mention the place is like 5 minutes fom my house.


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PostPosted: 11 Feb 2007 01:12 
Just realized that I've got the most active journal on these boards, pretty cool!

Started a new job doing some basic comp repairs on off lease comps. Im still unsure of it


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PostPosted: 12 Feb 2007 01:28 
new job starts tomorrow after school, im quite nervous about it and bp makes it that much worse. i know how it feels to not want to ever work as you feel you can't. i do my damndest to not let that hold me back but sometimes it is f- hard. i would rather curl up in a corner then meet some of these people. the new job has a really nice building, but it feels so cold to me at the moment. the girl that hired me has been nice enough to answer my questions and introduce me. probably some new people there tomorrow i have yet to meet. the thing is, if i find her first then things will go decently. however i dont know where her office is, its a small place but even still ive got 0 idea. im gonna avoid the tech section until i finds her i think. i hope it goes ok! im doing all i can to relax right now. i watched a movie and sipped on tea the entire night. im going to try and use positive reinforcement to help solidify the positive things about the place so i can see through the negative.

i did visit one day after school for an hour and it was really akward and i didn't know what to think. i felt like none of them liked me at all, but i was really nervous. im going to use some tricks tomorrow to try and win them over, if it doesnt work ill atleast have felt them out. most of the time when i get to know people i will emulate them back to themselves. people feel most comfortable that way. its not mirroring them but doing small things, using parts of speech they use. creates that bit of a connection. the thing is if i started that right away i would be doing it too strongly and it doesn't work well.

the one guy was cool and i could see myself talking to him a fair bit once i get to know him. the other guy on the other hand seemed like a bit of a douche and seemed completely disinterested in having another dumb f- student there. i am alot more then your average 'i dont care' part time student but i understand getting lumped in with them.

one thing i always do is listen to jeff buckley's grace before things like this. it instills a certain mood in me that i need to promote. the strength and confidence while still being down to earth and vulnerable. willing to accept fate but question it.

god this entry is rambling, shows the state of my mind. i will end with 4 words that i will tell myself tomorrow during this, repeat them in your head for me. just do it. all day. the words wont leave you.

i have strength


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PostPosted: 18 Feb 2007 02:14 
job sucks ass, im getting paid to do nothing again. it has its perks but does suck. i like having something to do.

well lets see, whats happened. i split with the band, after a couple shows and numerous rehersals it just wasn't tight enough. not to mention like every single one of their songs they were asking me to sing was in e minor, gets old fast. i like complicated vocals with timing changes, false stops and the such. im not so much into vocal acrobatics but i can do it if it feels right. sometime letting out a shrill high c or something is pretty f- sweet.


well im tired.


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PostPosted: 20 Feb 2007 15:27 
i quit that job. i sent off an email and got a nasty response so i went meh and quit, i dont need the money. the entire thing was far to simple, i couldnt even put it on my resume as there was nothing i could really list as duties besides hitting 2 once an hour. she questioned weither i showed up for my second shift at all as i didnt go and talk to her. when i was hired i was told they wanted someone who could show up and do the job with no intervention or assistance, so i showed up and did my job and then i loose out as i didnt go and see her? for what she is a f- HR chick. if i was told to check in or swipe in i would. i hate businesses that are very unprofessional. they act all relaxed until one minor thing and they go off acting like its you thats wrong because they dont have protocols to follow. jesus christ!


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PostPosted: 27 Feb 2007 01:49 
kept saying i would post some music but i never did so i recorded a cover song. here you go. im not a huge fan of it. i used a shitty computer mic despite having performance quality stuff 3 rooms away. there are a few flubs but over all its not bad

http://www.home.datacomm.ch/xenatlas/dreambrother.mp3


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PostPosted: 18 Mar 2007 23:49 
been quite a while since ive posted here. i have been starting work on a more open blog. i want a place i can be a tad bit more honest and have a larger audience.

well school had a big work placement fair and i have yet to hear anything, along with 75% of the class. the government takes most of us but they are taking their sweet time. its frusterating as they wont take everyone so some of us have to find out own jobs. i made a solid impression but my gpa exposes me as the slackass i am.


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PostPosted: 24 Mar 2007 00:53 
You and I.
Ah, the calm below that poisoned river wild,
You and I.
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child.
Where you look down
I've walked before, burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown.
If we had only known, in a way
We wouldn't reach this ground.
You were my only home, silver eyes.
I want to see you shine.
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I,
All for you.
Where you think you'll fall,
I adore you.
Where you shut your soul,
I will open for you.
If we had only known, in a way
We'd never reach this ground.
I'll know, silver eyes.
I can see us shine.
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I,
All for you.


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PostPosted: 27 Mar 2007 23:38 
Today was a fantastic day for once and I've got a fair bit to write about.

It started off as dark as any other day. I have been miserable as i dont hang around that john guy anymore, job placement has yet to give me a call (1st round interviews happened today, im hoping im 2nd round or im f-), and one person i thought was sorta cool was for the most part disregarding me. well today he sat next to me in the lab and shot the shit for the entire lab period, that was good. he asked me to get a place with him and his one friend. im not interested but i played it up. for a bit of background, that john guy asked me to move in with him and i shot that idea down immidately. i just said i was happy at home. he was in the room when i played it upto my buddy. i actually was just one step away from agreeing, ive got no intention of doing it. i just did it to further prove my intentions to john. you have to smack him upside the head with it. he has been backing off me which is good. i actually debated about giving him money to drop out or hold himself back a year. that would be the most akward coversation ever, lol. asking someone how much it would take for them to quit, ahahah. its not feasable anyway as im spending $6000 on my teeth in the way of braces and some smaller cosmeticy things.


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PostPosted: 31 Mar 2007 23:27 
Being introspective is a vital part of my existance. The reason I still come to this journal after 2 years is just so I can have a place to fetish. Normally I never read what I write. I look at it and go what the f- was I thinking. I do live in the heat of the moment.

I was looking back at last year this time. Right around when I had the fight with my mom and moved out for a month. Alot of the things I was saying on here was complete f- bullshit. It was hard for me to read stuff that I was creating to try and conjure some stupid ass drug addiction in your (the reader's) mind. It simply didn't exist. I am trying to figure out what exactly I was trying to convey. It's hard to feel like I did then as it was so scattered and off the wall. It was important to read through that and understand some things. The whole living with john thing has caused me problems for an entire year now. It's to the point where I disregard him. He used to be able to suck me back in for a few days but I am wiser to his tactics now. I just don't acknowledge him and it's working. I know he has gone behind my back and questioned people what is up with me, they have told me and I assumed it before they told me. I could care less.

Another thing I've noticed is the way I express things. The only thing I hope for in life is as I get older the way I express things and myself is more intricate. The things last year with the 'drug addiction' and the lyrics i was posting was dumb as f-. now its alot more artistic and not literal.


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PostPosted: 15 Apr 2007 22:34 
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Joined: 08 Apr 2007 04:58
Posts: 35
Ashlar wrote:
You and I.
Ah, the calm below that poisoned river wild,
You and I.
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child.
Where you look down
I've walked before, burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown.
If we had only known, in a way
We wouldn't reach this ground.
You were my only home, silver eyes.
I want to see you shine.
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I,
All for you.
Where you think you'll fall,
I adore you.
Where you shut your soul,
I will open for you.
If we had only known, in a way
We'd never reach this ground.
I'll know, silver eyes.
I can see us shine.
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I,
All for you.



not bad...not bad.

_________________
Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.


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PostPosted: 18 May 2007 09:45 
I haven't posted here in a month. Alot has happened in that month and I felt like writing it down.

Well ending second year was tough. I am trying to embrace the people around me more while ousting those that I no longer trust. The main one would be the John I have talked about quite a bit in this journal. He ended up landing the better summer job mainly due to his GPA. He had a 2.9 or something like that which isn't great, but it's better then mine. The employers from our job fair were going by numbers only. The hiring literally started with the highest grade and went downward from there. People in my range got offered nothing at all. I've got a 2.7. I made alot of stupid slacker mistakes in first year and it bit me in the ass.

I got an email from a local university saying they would take someone in the fall and there would not be any summer positions offered. I doctored a transcript putting my GPA in the 3.5 range. I did it so I actually stood a chance. I then told them that I have been holding out for a position I would want and I wanted this one. Needless to say I got the job. I get paid in the way of school credit. I will be doing PHP there for about a year as part of placement. Most of the placements would take the person on in the summer and pay them for it, then they get the person for a year free ontop of that. John got a job at the ministry of health, along with 8 other people. They pay over $20 an hour.

I've been feeling sorry for myself that I didn't try harder in school or fake my grades in the beginning. I don't believe he deserves that sort of money but I do my best to not focus on it. It's not really productive to focus on other people. IF I was there I know I'd be miserable.

For the summer I am working at my college's bookstore. It's sort of easy but hard work at the same time. The big downside is I am making $8.50 an hour. All I can think of is how everyone else is making $12-$25.

They are in the middle of having the front of the store redone as the floor is buckling and there is some other things that need to be changed as well. We buy back books from students when they are done their classes, so what they do is bring the book in to sell and walk around looking at other books. Grab one off the shelf and go and sell both of the books they have. Now they are putting the station right inside the door so we don't have to watch people quite as much.

Things between me and my mom have been ok. We don't fight like we used to but I'd like some more understanding. I'm normally a night owl staying up all hours of the night. I had been staying up until 3 AM until I got this job. Now I have to go to bed at like 10-11 and get up at 6. Needless to say I haven't been able to sleep when I am going to bed and I've been really dragged out. I then go and meet my mom and have a 30 minute walk home. I do it as she wants to get exercise and it forces her to if I am there. We get home at like 6 oclock and I've gotta get to bed by 10, so I want to do nothing and relax. That doesn't work well for her and she has been pissed with me. It's ok though as my energy will pickup as I get used to the schedule. Today has been alot easier so far. I got to sleep at 11 and I have energy.

One thing that sucks is I pretty much have to save all my money this summer. I am going halfers with my mom on a car and right now I've got nadda, zip, zilch saved. I've got investments and such but that is untouchable for awhile yet. Not to mention my credit cards are over $1000 so my first months check is pretty much gone and then some. However in the fall when I've got my first car then it shall be all worth it.

I've been trying to embrace my own darkness a little bit. I find sometimes I come off a little too happy or cheerful when I'm really just wearing a mask. I want people to see the real me a tiny bit more, I think its because I am getting older. Not everything is always roses. I want that kinda mysterious dark side thats inside of me. I like complexity and mysteriousness.


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 Post subject: Re: Killing Birds
PostPosted: 11 Jun 2007 14:26 
What is happiness? I don't understand what it really is to be happy. For me it has always seemed to be something temporary, fleeting quite quickly. There have been times where I feel at peace and happy with the world around me but that always goes away as quickly as it came.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a dark and bleak person by any stretch of the imagination. I just get sick of going through life as if its colored in gray scale. Anymore I spend most of my time thinking about the past. How for some reason I know I wasn't happy then, but looking back I ask myself how I couldn't be happy. I had good friends, loads of extra money, a nice home and a good job. Then it started, my money started to go dry and my contract wasn't renewed, luckily for me I had savings.

Then school kicked into gear and my friends became busy and we drifted apart, I spent most of my time looking back at what could I have done to keep that going. I am not sure it was really me that caused it but everything seemed to drift apart. School took over and all of a sudden everyone was too busy sitting there being stressed over an assignment or such.

--------------------

This is a separate thought I had. Maybe I am not so miserable at all. Things are just a bit pent up at the moment. Work has been a stress today as one girl that had never worked since I started decided to come back. Just her whole tone and actions disgust me. I can't stand when people attempt to order me around, I don't have a demeanor to suggest I take things at all. I need to come here more often to vent. Normally I write for readership, watching the numbers tick higher. Thinking maybe a couple of you care, but none of that matters anymore. I've got a black canvas here that I can make my own and say whatever I wish, so I'll do so.


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 Post subject: Re: Killing Birds
PostPosted: 25 Jun 2007 08:59 
Things are going better in my world.

My creditcard is officially paid off, first time I have had a zero balance since I moved in with John a year ago. It's a really good feeling but I am asking myself now what? Most of my financial responsabilities are long gone now and I've got almost everything a guy could want. It's probably time I start saving for cars and houses and that sort of thing. I do have student loans but it's a while before I'm due to repay, about a year and a half, so I guess starting to save is my best option.

One thing that has been making me a ton of money is Windows XP. At work a bunch of copies were found that had never been entered into the system so they were marked to zero and set aside. Well i've been getting $100-$150 a pop for em, sucks I only have 11 copies.

I ended up spening $750 this weekend, but I actually got something with it. I had 25% off at my favorite clothing store so I managed to use some of their combo based deals with the 25% so I got a ton of clothes and it only cost me $250. Not too shabby considering I normally spend $100-$150 just on a pair of jeans alone. I got a pair of guess and a pair of silver jeans, really nice too.

This coming weekend is canada weekend, which will be fun. Me and a friend are going to go see the fireworks and hang out for a bit. I need some familiar friendship and energy in my life now, things are too slow and dull. The bookstore has been good but alas, its not exciting by any stretch of the imagination.

My birthday is coming up in a month. My one friend wants to go out clubbing and shit on it, not sure if I'll bother. He is a bit of a weird guy, he has some traits I can't stand. He went on and on the other day about how he said he wouldn't fix his ex gf's computer so she threatened to have some guys come and kick his ass and he told her well if you do that i'll kill them as i know some uber karate move or something. It's all just 5 year old bullshit. Even things like he said he is drawing somethig, I said what is it? He said someone. I said oh yeah, who? He said not sure he should say, a man has to have his secrets. Things like that bug me, as he wanted me to ask yet he didn't want to tell me. To top it off, he sent me the picture the other day. It was of some ugly ass chick and he didn't draw her ears or mouth, aparantly its "modern".


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 Post subject: Re: Killing Birds
PostPosted: 04 Jul 2007 14:46 
Life is confusing at the moment, i'm unsure what I really want. Money is begining to bore me. Making it can be fun but then I've got some numbers on my side, big f- deal. Really, thats all money is to me. Numbers. Sure, its enabling and such but it gets to the point where anything i'd buy would be so out there, lavish and useless in the long run that it leaves me feeling like well, now what? So i've decided it'd be best to challenge myself physically. I've cut all the bad food out of my diet and i am eating strictly high-protein foods and fruits and vegetables. ive been feeling really good so far, hopefully it keeps up!


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 Post subject: Re: Killing Birds
PostPosted: 23 Jul 2007 11:14 
Argh is summer over yet? This time last year was so much better then now. It still had its ups and downs but it wasn't this bad. It seems like I'm just grasping at straws waiting for september to come. I'm hoping maybe i'll feel slightly satisfied with life again by that point. Anymore its just work and sleep. Seems like most of my friends are gone or I don't want to deal with them anymore.

It was an awesome weekend through. Friday I went to toronto to see chris cornell. As i was getting into the city i got a txt saying that he was going to be at a local radio station before the show. I figured i'd make it in to late to see it but i managed to get there. At 430 he pulled up and there was about 15 of us standing there. He went inside and I figured that'd be it. Within a minute they let us all in to watch the interview. Afterwards Chris came and signed a bunch of things for us and posed for pictures. It was awesome. The concert was also awesome and I had meet and greet passes for after the show so I got to meet him again. I got a copy of the setlist signed by the entire band and a signed CC photo so I can die happy, I met my god.


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