Xentales

woah. the last time i checked this post, there was 890 or so views. now there are 900+ bahahaa.

thanks a ton.


Hallow gets a special manipulation done, since he was the first to send me a working version of ps.

Baaaaaaaaahahahaha.

Some people just deserve to die.

Sometimes, it hurts the most when realization hits too late. What do you do? Do you wait it out and see if the friendship is still there? Or do you just leave it null, void, and hope that tomorrow is a better day?
f- waiting.

I catch myself reminiscing memories from junior high school, and all the way up into highschool, i've noticed but one thing... people change. And what is there to do but sit still and watch your friends disappear?

High school was always something about the drama. It was never about making the grade, keeping the peace or even kicking it with friends. It was always "Guess who's pregnant?" or "Who just broke up?" and shit like that. It's never like "Did you hear? so and so got admitted to NYU, isn't that great? I'm going to miss her." It's "blahblah got admitted to NYU, the lucky bitch."

i tried to see you for the goodness inside, but the ugliness bleed through . you said i was one of your closest friends, ive helped you through so much and loved you so truly, yet i had to wait 7 whole months for you to even pretend for a moment that you may actually care that things between us were dead. i still dont know why you wasted your time that day, your words and disdain only go to show how shallow and empty you are.

Goodbye to you, forever.

- end!

My brother has departed for the Marines.


Goodbye Chachu. I love you so much. And I miss you like crazy right now...

worked the O2 bar last night.

so much fun.

theres another two day rave this weekend. i play friday night and then I gotta work the O2 bar again.

maybe I'll have pics this time?

Bad weekend.

Here's why. (to make it easier on me, I just copy and pasted a convo between me and my oh so favorite DOFF)


Doffen says:
what happened?
// Technicolor Girl. says:
well, lets start with the story from the top.
I was supposed to go to this three day two night rave this weekend and bring my Oxygen Bar so I could make profit. I spent like $45 on a new tent, $30 on an airmattress, $65 on gas for my Tahoe each trip x 4, and over $100 on camping gear, and another $200 for food (i had a group with me). Plus I had to rent a trailer to bring the Oxygen bar with me.
We have to go for a 4 hour drive out to South, and when we get to the Exit to GO to the event, someone in my truck calls and says "The event got busted." SO we turn around and come back to Salt Lake City, which was another f- 4 hour drive.
When we get back it's like 2AM, the promoter says that the event is now being held in an INDOOR venue, and it's going to cost $20 to get in.
EVEN if you have already brought a presale ticket.
He said the event got busted outside because the cops took away their permits. bullshit, i call. I think that he didn't HAVE the permits to begin with.

Doffen says:
gay :+
Doffen says:
:\*

// Technicolor Girl. says:
Well, I ask him for like, $60 to pay back some friends who bought tickets to come see me spin records and enjoy a fun camping party. He says that he hasn't picked up the money from ticket sellers yet, and I get really angry because I know that isn't true.
was at Uprok when the promoters came to pick up the money.
If he would have been honest and said "well, I lost a lot of money on this event and I'm not refunding anyone" I would have said something like "Well, youre a f- scumbag but at least you were honest about it. I'm never working another Lucid Nation event, EVER."
The worst part for me is that I spent ALL that money and was hoping to make back some. Because the Oxygen Bar brings in up to $ 2000 a night on a good night.
and if it's slow, we would have at least gotten $600
BEH

"There's always two sides to a story. Most people only hear one side and they begin to judge. But if you took the time to hear the other side, you will begin to understand why people act the way they do."

It never became apparent to me until I had to see it through my very own eyes. It was never of relevance until I realized that I actually cared. Society can be so judgmental these days. As my life goes by, I realize that I'm being ridiculed for the person that I portray myself to be. I never thought that being me had such an impact on an individual. But can anyone relate to the pain I've been through, the miles I've walked, and the life I've led. Can you? If you take a step back, can you really tell what type of person I am...why I am the way I am? There's no way you can understand the person I am until you have at least given yourself a chance to get to know me. But then again, I wouldn't expect that from you. I guess there will always be someone in my life that is willing to f- up my day, just to simply satisfy their own needs. But as I get older, I start to realize more and more about myself and other people. People are always going to judge you no matter what you do, no matter how mean or nice you are, no matter how innocent or naughty you are. It's hard for us to understand one another because sometimes, we confuse the hell out of ourselves. Our lives are lived one day at a time and nobody can tell us what is going to happen. All we can really do is keep our head up and allow ourselves to not judge someone until we have at least--"walked a mile in their shoes, lifted the weight they've carried, and lived the life they've lived." I am the way I am because I choose to be...not because I have to be. But for those who are constantly seeking more...I just want you to know that, I'm not a materialistic person; although I do know what I want. I'm a nice person; although I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in. I know when I'm right, but I'm willing to admit when I'm wrong. I'm known to start fights, but only when I feel that they've crossed the line. I'm innocent; although I can't say I haven't "done" anything. I may act as if I'm black, but I'm not ashamed of my background. Last, but not least, I'm not a "slut", I have morals and values and I tend to stick to them.

**Nothing can ever be perfect unless it's viewed through the eyes of the beholder. Perfection is only what you make of it...

hoping to get some feedback on my topic in JUST TALK.

i made Anders move the post to where mods can preview it.

(This is directed to no one in particular)
I'm sick of people telling me that "Techno sucks" because they don't simply understand that there is more than one general categorization of electronica.

And people who end up being an asshole to me for that are truly f- up in the head. You not only wasted my time in an effort to search for a better genre, you also pissed me off.

I don't go around telling you that your music selection sucks, so just give me the same respect that I give you in musical taste.

And to the person that told me that electronica is nowhere near talented - stfu.
I think you should go pick up some records and try to mix them into eachother without trainwrecking and keep it on for three intervals. THEN you tell me that it's easy.
Obscenity recently got into the same stuff that I've been in, and I'm very happy for him. He found something that a lot of people are too chickenshit to try.

I wrote a poem the other day that I thought was interesting enough to share.

Stand with me,pose.
Smile,pretend,dissolve into the background.
Choose your words and rehearse,
repeat those backwashed verses..spit,rinse,regret.
Wipe your mouth and close your eyes.
Open wide and shut it out..
wash it away,forget.
Tear up..hate yourself,
give in, fake it.
Love.
Create yourself...
a new image.
Laugh it up,
break down.
Look forward to today being tomorrow's yesterday.
repeat,relive,relax.
Realize.
Learn--nothing.
Everything spills,crashes, and gets new meaning.
And all for half-price.
Bargain shopping for romance..
smart consumer heartbreak.
You saw it all,
and laughed.. because everything--
is just fine.

Today.... absolutely nothing happened.. it was merely a continueum of yesterday, and a prelude to tomorrow.

love.
♥

My photoshop broke again.

FFS.

some people...



*will post when she gets home*

Sometimes, I wish they'd choke on their words and realize how stupid they sound and how ridiculous they're making their life out to be.

all of a sudden, you're running a damn soap opera, and youre the star of the show!

well, I hope you're the one that falls off the balcony and drowns in the pool, because your hair swamped you down and your shoes weigh a ton.

better yet, i hope youre the one who gets hit by a car and lived to tell the tale. then i hope you get aids. or syphillis. or ANY std.

you can rot. and i would feel no remorse.
harsh words for a harsh person.

signed with toxic kisses,
xoxo


(this is a vent post. directed towards no one in particular...on this board)

I'm sitting here, sipping on Green Tea mixed with a little bit of honey.

I sigh, a sigh of relief. One that I've been holding in all day. Today, was one of the harshest days of my life. I had so much to do in so little time, and to top it off, Lunch went by too quickly.

Saturday seems to be the day that fades quickly, while Friday and Monday drag. Tomorrow, I get to sleep in. *makes a YESSSSS arm motion*

So I'm sitting here, I have my tea and a book. I want to just pass out, this heat is killing me.

Maybe I'll go do that.

" I've been waiting
Forever again
I've been dying
to get next to you
I've been dancing
All night through
I've been trying
to get next to you... "

There's nothing interesting going on in the forums today.

For shame.


Where are your postwhoring skills, Vis?!

*goes on to read Hallows journal for the fifth time today*

It's been a long time since I've been online...lets recap why.

Last week was the most stupidiest and longest weeks of my life. I had to take care of a lot of shit in Work and School, but now I have something else that I need to take care of.

Cody his left fibia, shattered his ankle, and his tibia suffers from a spiral fracture. I won't say how, but it happened and now he's helpless and cant do anything by himself. We made an appointment to see an orthopaedic surgeon, but that won't be until next week (which they say is normal), and then reshecule the operation for a lot later. I don't know if THATS normal, because I would assume waiting will cause the bone to set in.

Anyway,
Since the accident, he can't get out of bed anymore (its too low to the ground) and getting around is a bitch. He's on 3 Lortabs every 4 hours, and is restless at night. Can't get his tripod splint wet, or it will reset the cast made. So that means that he needs a caregiver to make things easier.

Well, guess whos the caregiver? Ding ding ding!

I didn't get to sleep last night until 2:00 in the morning, and woke up early to go to work.
These past few night have been uneasy. Sleep comes and goes, and if I don't catch it - tough luck, wait til the next time. I'm tired and achy, I just want to lay down and pass out, but I can't. I have a priority.

But besides that, my heart hurts.
Yes, it hurts so bad.

Oh why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me
But I'm nothing so good
no, I'm nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
where you hold me down, fold me in
deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh
I break in two
And each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you don't see me, you don't

Here I'm pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
where I'm tossing and tortured 'til dawn
by you, visions of you then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face
when I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you

Once again, you're running the show.

A laugh, a cry, a kick in the ass, what does it matter? It's your drama. You make it sooo lively, so full of blasphemous drop kick remarks, that it should probably be a top hit in the states.

Isn't that what it's about? Drama?
Please.

Young, maybe. Naieve, possible. Stupid? I'm sure.
Why drag yourself down in other's grief or misery when you can be walloping in your own depression? Shun yourself. knock yourself out. And when you do, realize something.

Just as quickly as it's found, the promise decays, the dirt piles up at your knees, and you gasp for air, but like so many things you've come to neglect - it dissapears. WAS IT EVER THERE? You can't remember what it was like to have something that didn't fade... And now you're settling for this broken room, and the broken stairs that took you there. The broken door that walked you through. The broken window you're peering out of. YOU CANT ESCAPE THE DARK YOU'VE JUST CREATED... The light has fled, it weeps for you no more, and finds solace in places that nurture it's growth... so the dust at the crack of the door is not meant to be a sign of hope. It's a perfectly painted picture of the things you've lost...

Look.

It's my heaven.



*orgasm*

haha. and tony is just standing there.

More pics to come from the annual unnoficial STi Showcase. (mine is the only black STi! but it's not the one on the end, thats a regular impreza)

xxx

amore e baci.

What a perfect weekend it has been.

I spent my time with an old friend, William. We sat down on his bed and discussed how life was going. I know that he's going through worse things, and it makes me feel bad to bitch and moan about my life.

He just recently got arrested, for not showing up to a court hearing (which he missed because his only sibling and living relative was dying in the hospital), and for that he had a warrent for his arrest. As soon as he showed up to work, five police officers arrested him.
He sat in Jail for three days, until his ex girlfriend bailed him out.
His car broke down, and it cost $4500 to fix it...and then it broke down again. He sold it on eBay. He got $900 for it. That's no bueno.
He's now living with his friend Brent, several towns over from where he used to live.
For him, life is over as he knows it.

And here I am, bitching about where my friend's loyalties lay.

Interesting as it may be...

I also spent the weekend with Jason and Sean. We went to the tea grotto and munched on biscotti, which was simply delicious. I then went to dinner with Cody and his mother, yum for Olive Garden! Then on Sunday, I rented Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail and watched it with Cody and Megan.

Yay.



I'm driving my ass out to California this Thursday. I'll probably be there for a few days, but I'm going for the sole reason to pick my brother up from his Marine Graduation Ceremony.

He's taking me to Disneyland for my birthday. Yay!

=D That is all.


FOURTEEN DAYS TIL MY BIRTHDAY!

YAHOOOOO!

Well here I sit at the most empty and desperate part of my life. I wonder whats going to happen next. Everything seems to pass by like a dream I can't control. Some things still inside keep my sanity from going overboard. On one hand I have something beautiful I don't ever want to lose and have only everything to gain. On the other... well, its a sinking ship and I'm the captain and by god I'm going down with my ship. I'm stuck at a fork in the road... my insecurities holding me back while the rest of me tries to gain control. To some it may seem i'm handling my situation rather well and doing what I can. To me, I can't do enough and I'm doing everything wrong. My mind wonders to false realities of hopes and dreams of things that might or could save me... then to what ifs and what nots of what would have been or could have been... from there to shame, guilt, and self hate or hate for another.

Holy hell. How did I pull that one off?

(2100+ views)


p.s.

This is just something that I found, that I thought I would like to remember, but since my email isn't working, I have to leave it here for you bastards to read.


"Sometimes the unspoken word , speaks the loudest."

California in 30 minutes.

Au revoir for now.

<3

Back.

And, for those who have had it before, my cellular number has changed. If you want it, please inquire by using the PM button.

I've created something beautiful and ugly at the same time.(email me for my photoshop creation.)

Because I have not been on,

Happy Birthday to Hallow and Me.

*sigh*


I was dancing. I was feeling the rhythm, like a drug...being inhaled through my nose, where it was kept warm in my lungs, and then it rolled off the tip of my tongue.


They say that music can heal a broken heart. They say that music can turn the darkest of days into sunshine and happiness. I feel like music can do just about anything, but heal a broken heart?...No.


I have met musicians who swear that their health depends solely on the well being of their guitar or violin, or whatever it is they play. That music is their escape, and that without music, their world would mean nothing... it would be like a score with no notes to play.

Terminal - City by the Sea

"she had a way of not fading, but lingering and settling into the back of mind, where everything was prone to collect. it's like a junkyard in there, or an attic with hidden treasures. but few of us take the time to tidy up that place and discover all of the mystery in it. i never had to seek her out, because while everything else slowly grew a film of dust, it was like she had always just been placed there. the memory was always fresh and unfaltering. why my mind placed her back there was something i had wondered for awhile, but i realized the beauty of it one day when i sat alone at my desk. my brain had gotten the better of me the day it sorted through the information and placed my memories into the boxes where they belonged. i would have kept her at the front of my mind, like a fresh wound which would never heal. instead she remained in a box with the childhood toys, the memories of first summers and first loves. untouchable and long vanished but sweet, mesmerizing and unforgettable. all the things we took for granted and threw away, all the things we wish we would have saved."

i shouldn't write this entry but i don't know what else to do. i want my hands to stop shaking but they won't. i'm just crying, crying. and feeling empty and alone and tired and selfish. it's like every now and then, you feel okay. and you are happy and you can smile and it's all so easy. but i've been laying in bed, trying to think of something... anything, but when i close my eyes there's just a lot of blood. and i keep thinking about how i'm going to die and it's not that i want to, oh god, it is the furthest thing from my mind. but it seems so terribly inevitable that i just want to curl up into a ball and wait for it to come for me. because i have no way of knowing how long it's going to take and i don't want it to catch me off guard. i don't want to be in the middle of something terribly important and then just have my life go away. i want to have dreams that i know will come true. i tell some of you, about the medicine man, about the future that i sometimes think i'm destined for. and then i feel like a little child and i get so worried, i get so scared that someone else is in charge of this and they don't care what i have to say and they're just going to have everything end, before i've done anything good. i crawled out of bed because i figured, i thought maybe you would be on and you aren't and i just wanted to tell you i don't think that you can save me just like he couldn't save her, and it drove him away and that's why she did it. i'm not strong or weak enough for that. i just. you don't. you're not here and that's an awful lot of weight on my shoulders and you can't carry me, you won't carry me, you're not carrying me. i always wondered why i could never control my dreams and why i always got chased or murdered and i don't, i don't think it has anything to do with those things scientists dream up, i'm just scared. i found, i found all of my things in the recycle bin on my desktop. i apparently have no qualms about dragging anything to that location, or clicking it there, willing it there, but i never remember to empty it. so it's all still there. i found these conversations with you, when i called you a liar. and i found these pictures. and i just keep crying. and i want someone to say it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. just lie to me and say "its gonna be alright."

is it bravery to stay or bravery to go? my god, she and i are the same. forever and always. don't be a fool, no don't get lied to. love was always cruel.

and every time i try to pick it up, like falling sand, as fast as i pick it up, it runs away through my clutching hands, but there's nothing else i can really do... there's nothing else i can really do at all...


wasnt it only a little while ago that i was driving you around singing to you making wild right turns? let these tears hit the keyboard... ohhh yeah...

I'm going to start a photography business.

I'll name it, "nFocus Photography by Sarah Cadence" or whatever.

I went on a short photoshoot the other day with my friend
Kayden. He had something that he wanted to express.
So I took him downtown. Into a dark alley. No, I did not rape him.
We found grafitti against a few buildings, and there it was.
What we had been looking for. We wanted emotive portraits,
and right on the wall, smeared and aged, was a broken heart.
Perfect.

He said, "Of all the things I've broken... I miss this the most."

I give to you, "Of all the things I've broken"

Model : Kayden Rasmussen
Photographer : Sarah Cadence L.
Date : November 13th, 2005
Equipment : Cannon Rebel, 35mm camera.
Flash : speed set optical
Location : Salt Lake City, Utah.

Upgrading to Linux in a few days.

Does anyone know it well enough to be my new Tech guy/gal?

GOD, am I ready to rock.


The snow is piling down on us. I'm having a great buzz, and you know what ? I just might be in love. <3

Yeah, you f-. I'm in love. Every year, when the fluffy white falls from the sky, and blankets the ground, and the frost starts to form, and when you exhale and it gets all foggy inside your car, that's when I fall in love.

If you didn't know, I'm very passionate about my snowboarding season.

And now that you know, quit PMing me for details.

Kat should name her new bong "The Disco Harlot"


Barhahaw.

It must be a new tradition.

I will name hers.
She will name mine.

The most intimate bond EVAR!

Savonarola it is.

Ah my lovely Savonarola.

<333

She and the Disco Harlot will unite soon. BAHAH!!

He makes it feel like its always raining outside.



Anyway. I'm all torn up inside. I feel like I have no sense of direction anymore. My company is doing great, I have clients who have actually returned to me and asked to start a portfolio with me. I'm flattered...but I just don't know if I'm ready to put everything into this yet. I just wanted something to keep me going, in between parties, in between paychecks...

But I feel like I don't have enough time for myself, yet again. I took some time out yesterday to go watch The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. It was a great movie. I just wished it was a little bit longer.
I also have to admit that during the movie, where Azlan sacraficed himself, I cried. I also cried when Mufasa died in the Lion King. Haha, and here's the story...
When I was a little girl, I had a stuffed lion that I carried around with me, EVERYWHERE. I had an uncle named Peter who was always mad that I'd bring that lion everywhere. Well, one day, he decided to take the lion out of my room when I wasn't home, and burn it in my backyard. I came home with my older brother, and found my burnt lion so since then, i've been scarred for life.

Yesterday, I spent my day with Scott. We went shopping, we watched a movie, we also baked cookies with his little sister, and then studied together. Ideal weekends. I wish I had more time like this.

Courtney called me yesterday to bitch about her boyfriend. He'd broken up with her (again) and now she's kicking herself in the ass for it. She's co-dependant and can't stand that now she lives alone. I think she needs to get over it.

I've decided that living in a house right now is irritating. I wake up to find roommates being loud and obnoxious. I walk into the kitchen to find that my food is eaten, and my rum is dry. I finally get my ass up to do my laundry, and my room mates have used all of my detergent. My room mates don't change the toilet paper roll, either. They just leave it on the spool, and place more toilet paper on top of the tank. Or near the sink. And it drives me mad. I think that I'm willing to move into an apartment, even though apartments are so... public. I can't bear the fact that I'll be living in paper - thin rooms, where I can possibly hear my neighbors bumpin to music...hopefully, they bump to some Marvin Gaye. Then I can laugh.

I guess thats all I have for this entry.